The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I seek representation for my 96,000-word literary fiction manuscript, A Children’s Playground. I always tell people not to open with your word count, title, or the fact that you're seeking rep - they know that, you're querying them. Everyone else querying also has a word count and a title. Start with what only your have - your hook.

In the wake of the Global War on Terror, Unfortunately, this could span a pretty large amount of time, so you might want to be a little more specific. twenty-four-year-old Asad Khan, an Afghan tribal heir, and twenty-three-year-old Anna, a once-promising American music prodigy, find their lives intertwined, weaving a tale of resilience, love, and sacrifice as they search for a common future across two nations in conflict. This is a great intro! Definitely lead with this. After reviewing the entire query, however, this opening makes it sound as if Anna will be sharing half of the narrative, but it doesn't really look that way. She's a factor in Asad's story, by the way the rest of this query reads.

Straddling the responsibilities of succeeding his aging father, a war hero from the Soviet-Afghan war, as the new tribal chief and his dreams of becoming a successful Silicon Valley entrepreneur, an agonizing revelation shakes Asad to the core: an American drone strike in his remote village along the Afghan border has brutally injured his childhood playmate, Samina, ultimately claiming her life and that of her family. This paragraph is basically one sentence, so you need to break it down. I highlighted spaces above where it's getty wordy and some things can go. Also, if Samina ultimately dies, I'd just say that she's killed, along with her family.

This jarring news ignites inner turmoil as Asad strives to reconcile his affection for Anna and his newfound home in the USA with his duty to address the ravages of war against his tribal brethren. In this soul-searching tussle, Asad loses Anna not once but twice. Anna needs more room here. She's got a brief intro in the opening para, but she's not being built here at all other than a shadow of a real person. How serious is "affection?" What is the nature of their relationship? What is he losing if he loses her? Also, the vague nature of loses Anna not once but twice doesn't work in a query. Lost her how? Gained her back how? Lost her again how? How is any of it tied to his inner turmoil?

Will Asad choose love and a life in the USA with Anna, or honor family expectations, returning home to avenge Samina’s death and lead his tribe against the New World Order, risking everything to save his homeland from destruction? Don't end with a rhetorical question, that's not a good way to round things off. Instead phrase this as him facing a choice, and illustrating what he loses or gains either way.

A Children’s Playground echoes the timeless themes of social upheaval caused by war like Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner with the identity struggles of Mohsin Hamid’s Reluctant Fundamentalist in the clash between East and West.

I was born in Karachi, Pakistan. Currently, I live in San Jose, California. I served as a military pilot and lived in seven countries. I have endeavored to capture this interplay of human diversity and conflict to provide the readers with both sides of the story in my debut novel, answering the age-old question: Why do kind-hearted, well-meaning people worldwide find themselves entangled in wars so frequently? If you don't mind me saying so, as a non-military person that lives in the US, I don't find myself entangled in wars frequently. I think this is distinct to areas of the world and certainly sets up a great question in regards to Anna - could she ever understand that mode of living?

Overall your query is well-written, but we need a little more plot detail in here. The overall question - what will a man torn between two cultures choose? - is very clear, but the more granular aspects of the plot aren't present. A divided life is a known narrative - what makes yours distinct and separate from the others? Get it into the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ethan Wells, a lonesome young man living in a secluded manor with his fanatically Christian mother, finds enjoyment in very few things, but one of them is an old Jest magazine that evokes forbidden sensations in him. What are those sensations? Lust? Hinting at things isn't a good idea in a query. You need to come out and say it. Also, having an idea of how old Ethan is and where this manor is located would be good.

When one of his emotions, Love, comes to life, he is finally able to have the experiences of a normal youth. What does this mean? Comes to life inside of him? Or outside of him, like he's interacting with a real person? What are the experiences of a normal youth? Sex? Again, come out and say it.

But Ethan discovers that the human mind is a multifarious place, and the arrival of Love has also enabled the emergence of something sinister, a memory almost forgotten. Like what? I don't have any sense of a plot here.

Such is the story in the book I recently completed, entitled The Ones Who Linger, my debut romantic horror novel set in a Gothic manor hidden in the forests of 1970s rural Oregon. Get those details in the beginning In this retelling of Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid, the creepiness of made-up monsters taking on a life of their own in Keith Donohue’s The Boy Who Drew Monsters meets the personification of human emotions seen in Pixar’s Inside Out and the romance between a human man and a sexy pin-up style drawn fantasy character as depicted in Ralph Bakshi’s Cool World. You're using comp titles to try to explain elements of the book, but what's happening is that it just sounds like you mashed a bunch of different things together. I don't know what the plot is, I don't know how these things are related to each other, and I don't know that this is offering anything new.

The Ones Who Linger, complete at approximately 80,000 words, tells of a young man’s path towards escape from his fanatically religious household and mindset. It grapples with the topics of unrealistic ideas about human bodies, the realization of one’s sexuality, and how the often unpunished sexual abuse by Christian authorities impacts the mental health of a victim. It will appeal to fans of Neil Gaiman and Silvia Moreno-Garcia. My real name is REDACTED, but I would like to publish this book under the pen name REDACTED. What's his path towards escape? What's the role of Love? How does sexual abuse fit in? Again, these are just a list of themes, and I have no idea what the plot of the actual book is. Don't worry about telling them you'd like to publish under a pen name, that's a detail that comes much later.

Although I unfortunately possess no writing credentials or accomplishments, this story draws on the true experience of my grade school friend who was sexually harassed by the local pastor, my own realization of my bisexuality, and the close-mindedness of the small, devout Christian Slovakian town community I grew up in, which regarded my family’s atheism very negatively. If you're basing part of this story on someone else's life, you might need to look into the legalties of doing so. And again, you're listing themes and concepts, but not telling me what they have to do with the plot. You also don't need to indicate that you have no writing credentials. If they're not included, it's assumed.

I have included an excerpt from my book, and I hope it will be enough to make you want to immerse yourself in my story. Don't include pages unless the agent specifically asks for the first however many as part of their submission guidelines. Be sure to check guidelines for each agent that you query.

Right now this query reads as a list of themes, concepts, and elements from other stories. I don't know the plot. What's at stake? What does Evan want, and what is stopping him from getting it?

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for THE GRIM UP NORTH, a supernatural detective novel. I advise everyone to open with their hook, and skip anything else. The fact that you're writing to them seeking representation is an assumed.

The dead speak to David Teasdale – in fact, they never shut up.This is a great hook, so you need to put this front and center Ever since his father slit his own throat after stabbing David and killing his brother, David’s heard ghosts. The inciting incident (and obvious trauma included, I'm sure) is a good thing to have here, but this second sentence at the end tells us the same thing that the opening six words do. Also, the slightly jokey voice of they never shut up feels at odds with the very heavy suicide and child murder that follows that up. You'll need to decide what's a better representation of the voice of the book - humor nods, or heavy dark shit - and pare down on the one that doesn't fit best.

Spooks, spectres, phantoms, phantasms, whatever you want to call them, he calls them annoying. For twenty-five years since that night, David has been trying to drown out the spooks’ whining, incessant voices with whatever comes in a bottle and costs less than a fiver – Special Brew, mouthwash, nail polish remover, he’s undiscerning. I think you need to combine these opening two paras, and slim down on the description of the child murder to buy you some more space, and get the setup in the first para, then move us into the actual plot, below

David’s daily routine from his flat to the alley behind the Cash and Carry is disturbed when a spectre claiming to be his brother floats through his door with a warning. Is he an actual detective? Like a PI? Does his ability to hear the dead benefit that? Clarify In five days, a bloodthirsty spirit of vengeance will rip through the streets of Newcastle in search of those that killed him.

To stop an impending massacre and rid himself of his curse Why would stopping the massacre rid him of the curse?, David agrees agrees with who? to hunt and kill the perpetrators What perpetrators? before delivering their souls to hell. But in the course of justice, David will be shot at, stabbed (again), possessed and have his testicles dangled over a meatgrinder in a journey that will take him to hell and back.

It’s at times like these that David remembers what his dad said to him and his brother before he went bonkers: “It’s grim up north, lad.” IDK if you need this last little para. I know it's there to explain the title, but if an agent is interested they will request, title nonwithstanding, and the last line of the previous para is a better ending point

The novel is complete at 88,000 words and combines our love of pavement-hitting gumshoes and all things spooky. THE GRIM UP NORTH contains the nerve-shredding mystery of Stacy Willingham’s ALL THE DANGEROUS THINGS with a twist of the gothic richness of Johnny Compton’s THE SPITE HOUSE.

This is a stand-alone work with the potential to continue David’s journeys into the world beyond.

The idea here is solid and most of it is pretty good, you just need to pare down the first two paras into one and clarify on the points I have questions about.