The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

EROXUS: THE AXIS AGENT is a character-driven adult grounded fantasy complete at 118,000 words, blending metaphysics with psychological tension and an atypical romance while exploring the overlap between perception and reality. So I admit fantasy isn't really my arena, but I don't know what a "grounded" fantasy is. it could be a term I'm just not familiar with, though. You probably already guessed that I'm going to point at your word count. Breaking out as a debut is incredible hard. Breaking out as a debut in the fantasy genre is even harder. The market is completely flooded. Try to get that word count closer to 90k to give yourself a better shot.

Eighteen-year-old Jade Starr, a neurodivergent outcast, has spent her life fighting intrusive thoughts she believes mean she’s losing control of her own mind, only for them to begin manifesting in the world around her. Definitely a good hook, however the phrase "believes mean" is awkward. It's not technically wrong in any sense, but I had to read back over it. Also, you don't need to specify that she's losing control of her own mind. I'm just assuming it's the only mind she's supposed to have control of in the first place.

When a raven-headed entity called Enkidou begins appearing to her at the edges of reality and dreams,I don't know what this means. It sounds elegant, but I really don't have any sense of what this would look like, plotwise. he reveals that she is an Eroxian, a cosmic being capable of influencing probability and outcome, and that her intrusive thoughts are not symptoms of illness, but unfiltered manifestations of power that could destabilize the world around her.

After a sixteen-day disappearance she cannot fully account for, Jade is led to Dr. Leo Ingenito, an enigmatic psychiatrist who studies the relationship between neurodivergence and anomalous perception. She soon learns he may be the only one who can help stabilize her thoughts before they manifest, due to a symbiotic bond between them, one that is intertwined with Enkidou. But why does she want the thoughts stopped in the first place? Intrusive thoughts can be anything from violence to sex to suddenly thinking about cake when you're on a diet. What is the danger in her thoughts, specifcally?

As Jade grows into her power, two threats close in: a hostile Eroxian force intent on taking her, and a relentless detective building a case against Leo over her unexplained disappearance. But... why? Why would the force want to take her? And take her where? And why is there a case being built over her disappearance when she's very clearly no longer a missing person?

If either succeeds in separating them, her power, still growing faster than she can control, could break loose and collapse the world around her. But - how? Is her power specifically bad? Why do some Eroxians want to take her? What does the real world disappearance / investigation bring to the plot at all? It's the only mention of a plot line that doesn't fit neatly into the SF/F genre, and I don't know what it's purpose is, or how it fits in amongst everything else.

Eroxus: The Axis Agent is the first novel in a planned series, and I am currently working on Volume 2. I live in Minnesota, and have studied metaphysical concepts, with a particular interest in chaos magick, for over twenty years. Definitely do not try to sell the first book in a series, especially right now, especially in this genre. This needs to be able to stand on it's own and be presented as having series potential, but not as the first in a series.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to seek representation for DIE FOR ME AGAIN, a high-concept upmarket novel blending speculative elements with psychological suspense. The manuscript is complete at 119,000 words. So, right off I'm going to point toward your word count. It's not impossible that being over 100k means you won't get an agent, but it's definitley not making it easier for you. I'd adviseto get this down to at least 90k, if not 85k.

What if the best way to teach someone empathy was to make them live through other people's deaths? Interesting hook, but the wording isn't straightforward. Do you mean that they experience someone else's death? It's just difficult to parse the sentence "live though other people's death." I reread it twice. If what you're saying is that they experience the death, use that wording and it becomes much more clear.

In 2060s London, Kilo designs theatre stages and indulges in first-class cynicism nourished by his excellent and useless classical education. I feel his pain. All the while, he suffers from a strange affliction: a limited ability to read and express emotions. I don't know what this means. He can't read other people's emotions well? And struggles to exprss his own? Does he feel them but not express them? I have a limited understanding of autism, but that was the first thing I thought when I read this. I don't know if that's what your aim is, but my brain made that leap and I'm sure others will too. When a self-driving car crashes into Kilo on his way to the theatre, he wakes up in the body of a stranger—Klara, hiding in a basement in a distant distance by geography or distance through time? war zone in the 2020s. The basement teems with civilians facing impossible choices: admitting newcomers to an overcrowded space, rationing limited supplies, risking a scouting trip under the whistles of weapons. Not totally sure on the wording here either. I associate "whistles" with care free attitude, which is clearly not what this is implying. It's not wrong, per se, but it did bump me out of the query. While trying to grasp where he’s landed, Kilo remains unfazed by the suffering, including the torments of Klara’s friend Josephine, who is frantically searching for her daughter. Meanwhile, Kilo’s ghosts—childhood abuse, failed relationships, and unfulfilled professional dreams—slowly unravel. Why? How are these things connected?

When an aerial bomb drops on their hiding place, three survivors, including Kilo and Josephine, scramble to flee the city. A face-off with enemy troops reveals that Kilo’s reincarnation as Klara is only the first in a string of ‘placements’ into the lives of other people, shortly before they are due to die. Not understanding how facing off enemy troops would trigger that reveal. Until he manages to prevent the impending death, he won’t be returned to his pre-accident life.But he was miserable in his pre-accident life anyway, right? So why would he fight to return to it? Feeling watched, Kilo suspects a darker design behind the cycle of ‘placements’. Like what? This isn't a great way to end a query. I don't understand why he feels like he's being watched, or what the darker deseign might be.

This needs to see some pretty serious re-working. What does the main character want? What stands in their way of getting it? What is at stake if they don't manage it? Like I said above, Kilo wasn't happy in his 2060's life, so I don't see a real reason for him to fight to get back to it. Also, I don't see how living out Clara's death makes him feel emotions more clearly, or really what the actual condition is in the first place. Does he have an acutal "affliction" or is he just a total narcissist? Honestly in some ways this is just reading to me like a Christmas Carol reboot - someone with weak connections to other humans has to go through difficult experiences in order to find their path. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, of course, but I'm just unlear on what Kilo's actual issue is, and more importantly, not fully understanding what is at risk, who is pulling the strings, and what the "darker" plan might be.

DIE FOR ME AGAIN combines the gradual unravelling of a dystopian system in The Compound by Aisling Rawle with the mystery surrounding the protagonist's identity in The Strange Case of Jane O. by Karen Thompson Walker. Is there a question of identity surrounding Kilo that the reader doesn't see? Or are you just saying he was Kilo, became Klara, and needs to get back to being Kilo?

When I’m not writing, I practise human rights law, dividing my time between London and Amsterdam. A former refugee myself, I have worked with victims of war for many years. In that job, like in writing, emotional insight is everything. I also run a writing club and daydream about becoming a full-time writer. Good comps and strong bio. I just need ton have a better feeling of how Kilo's affliction, the time travel, and this darker pattern all come together.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

THE POWERS THAT CAME BEFORE US is a multi-POV adult fantasy that explores the power of love for oneself and others, the importance of friendship, facing one's own trauma, and that freedom should not end at the border of one’s own country. This is well written, but it has a lot of echoes with "one's" and also the themes you're highlighting here are quite vague. It's not "bad" per se, but I think you can find a stronger hook to lead with.

Growing up with myths about dragons and powerful magic, Alisae dreamed of adventures beyond the sequestered life her overprotective father, the Earl of Darholm, had dictated for her. And although he promised her autonomy now that she's an adult, when he receives a mysterious missive, his paranoia resurfaces. He forces Alisae to flee and go into hiding with Cal, his most trusted Sentinel. A little confusing here, because you state that she's always dreamed of leaving her situation... and that's exactly what she gets at the end of the paragraph - but it says she's forced which feels contradictory.

Tortured by his traumatic past, Cal maintains the somber facade of a lone wolf. However, Alisae’s sardonic, flamboyant nature and her constant inquisitive chatter and vivacious personality make Cal's sturdy walls crack, and a friendship blossoms. lots and lots of adjectives here. In a paragraph that starts with Cal, we havr 6 references to her nature, not his.

When they arrive at the cottage hideout, Alisae discovers that the reason for her isolated life was that the Antasanari King tricked her father into her betrothal and is finally coming for his bride. She discovers this at the hideout? You say she's super inquisitive, but her life is turned upside down and the way this reads, she didn't ask many questions about it, only to stumble onto answers later. Right now she's not reading with a lot of agency. The blows continue when, despite all the efforts, Alisae is kidnapped and brought before the king, who not only asserts she possesses magical powers he intends to weaponize but also presents Cal as his son and spy. Again, things are happening to her, but she's not really doing anything. It's also confusing to say that the King "presents" Cal, b/c that word is usually a first meeting kind of descriptor - so when I first read it I thought it was saying Cal didn't even know. But Cal despises his cruel, mad father and secretly offers Alisae help. Confused - so Cal was a spy all along... so why didn't he just take her straight to his father? You say she is kidnapped but if Cal was on the other side all along, that doesn't make much sense. Alisae, fed up with being the pawn well I'm glad she finally got there, but your description of her above is contrary to her lack of action so far. in the machinations of others, now has to figure out how to prevent the brewing war over her, uncover the political conspiracy, and discover the ancient magic that supposedly courses through her veins. And most importantly, find her voice not only for herself but also for the ordinary citizens who are perceived as voiceless. Again, these are pretty vague references that aren't doing a lot to distinguish this from any other fantasy query the agent got in their inbox that day. There's a chosen one, a Romeo and Juliet kind of feeling, and a war, and a princess and a spy prince. Definitely find what it is that only your story has that distinguishes it from all the rest. Right now, that's not here.

Completed at 139,000 words, THE POWERS THAT CAME BEFORE US would appeal to the readers of The Bridge Kingdom series by Danielle L. Jensen with its secret identity, complex traumatic past, and slow-burn romance, and those who enjoyed Cassandra Clare’s The Chronicles of Castellane with its diverse cast, courtly drama, unearthing of ancient magic, and both abuse and beauty of religion. Really good comp titles here. Word count is high for a debut. Fantasy gets room for worldbuiling, but not that much. You need to lop off 40k or so. Also, you reference Cal's trauma twice, but we have no idea what it is, or how it fits into the story. You'll need to streamline this and clarify plot points. Every query needs to answer these questions - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of them getting it? How will they overcome these obstacles? And what's at stake if they don't?