The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Life as the daughter of a prominent chieftain has never been easy for Akira. Her headstrong nature rebels at the thought of an arranged marriage, but her father insists that it will strengthen alliances with a neighboring tribe. How can she refuse the union when the fate of her tribe rests on her compliance? Theoritical questions aren't all that helpful in a query As her father’s warring past and her tribe’s uncertain future collide, an arranged marriage is about to become the least of her concerns. What does this mean? It's very vague. To make matters worse, a stranger from across the sea arrives, challenging Akira’s perception of herself and her future. Again, what does this mean? It could be anything from she figured out she's part Dalmatian to she wants to work on the railroad.

Alex is hurled into a desperate struggle for his life when he escapes from kidnappers and finds himself stranded in the primeval world known only as the Hinterlands. This raises the question of where/when this is? After a harrowing scrape with death, he is rescued by a spear-wielding beauty and brought back to her tribe. Alex quickly earns Akira’s trust, but he’s keeping secrets about his identity and motives. What does this mean? A hostile tribe from the north is lurking in the shadows, and Alex alone has the key to exposing them. But can he trust Akira’s loyalties when his own kingdom hangs in the balance? Yep, no idea what all this means or how it ties together. You know, b/c you're the author, so it makes sense to you. The only thing I'm getting is that there's a girl, there's a boy, there's danger, and people are mad, but I don't really know why, or how all these things tie together into a plot.

"J. H. Lehr’s The Hinterlands delivers a clarion call against injustice, somehow blending modern headlines into an epic fantasy journey. Follow feisty Akira into the wilds if you dare. But beware! When adolescent dreams and gritty reality collide, the results can be not just life changing but world changing." ~redacted Using blurbs in a query isn't going to do you any favors. I haven't heard of this author, and when I looked them up their most reviewed title only had 500 some reviews, which (unfortunately - b/c this is true of my books as well) isn't all that impressive.

THE HINTERLANDS (86,000 words) is book one in this YA action-packed primeval fantasy duology. With gritty, humorous characters that will appeal to readers of Jennifer Nielsen (Ascendance Series), this story is set in a savage world that captures the raw essence of tribal epic Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean Auel. The Hinterlands is a panoramic adventure centering around a strong female lead thrust into a world of escalating plot twists and treachery. A world that threatens to destroy her heart even as she fights to ensure the survival of her people. Great comp titles and descriptions here, but if there's any way at all you can get this into a standalone with series potential, that's the way to go. YA fantasy is insane right now and nearly impossible to break into.

As a 1st Dan (black belt) martial artist, book connoisseur, and equestrian, intriguing and action-packed stories have always played a pivotal role in my life. Here in the beautiful mountains of North Idaho, my days are filled with reading and creating stories that – in the words of Samwise Gamgee – really matter. My literary accomplishments include eight top prize-winning short stories (one Grand Champion), a self-published YA novel, and hosting multiple writers’ workshops/book signings. With an AA in both Communication and Education, I work as an inbox and social media manager for Christian Karate Association. Great bio as well! You clearly know what you are doing, you've just fallen into the common trap of thinking that your query is delivering the plot, but really it's vague - your brain is filling in the details and tying the elements together, simply b/c it already knows the answers.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Magdalane wanted a raise. Just a raise. Surely after five years as the sole overworked, underpaid secretary of a kingdom courthouse, she’s earned that. Your tenses are throwing me off a bit here. The first sentence is in past tense, and I'm not sure there's a real reason to do that. It takes away the immediacy of the hook. Also, I think a better hook is in order - a mail slot to the Assassination Department (mentioned below) - definitely got my attention. I'd find a way to work that into the first line.

She did not ask to be forcibly reassigned to Lord Morbotron’s castle in the Empire’s capital. But since her new workspace comes with direct a mail slot to the Assassination department, she’s not about to file a complaint. So... did she ask for the raise and got reassigned? Or did the reassignment come with the raise? What's the benefit of having a mail slot to the Assassination department? Is this something that works into the plot?Is she slipping her enemies names into it?

Better to make the best of it. After all, working for the Empire comes with plenty of perks. Three watery meals a day, four supervised vacation days a year, state-of-the-art enchanted office equipment, and a tiny living space shared with an off-puttingly bubbly coworker. This para is setting up some type of world building, but it's not really adding anything to the plot at all, and this query is lean on plot.

To be fair, it does pay well, which means she no longer has to worry about supporting her aunt. And the job could hardly be described as boring. As the new Incident Secretary, Magdalane interviews all the colorful characters who commit crimes in the Empire, from flirtatious pirates to talking bears to rebel brawlers who… are surprisingly nice to talk to.

But working for an evil empire takes its toll. Rebel tensions are rising, and a lackluster performance review might mean dire consequences for Magdalane’s family and newfound work-friends. How long can she keep this up? And if she can’t, is there any way to submit her two weeks' notice and make it out of the castle alive? I think your ideas here are interesting, but I don't see a plot. It sounds quirky and fun, but I have no idea what this story is actually about. What does M want? What stands in her way of getting it?

Told in a series of vignettes and snapshot scenes, SECRETARY OF EVIL follows Magdalane as she navigates office shenanigans and malevolent magical altercations, set in Dungeons and Dragons-style fantasy. It runs 60,000 words long and is the first installment of an adult fantasy duology. It might be hard to plot out something that is structured in this way, but right now everything in the query feels very loose and disconnected. We need to have a better idea of the through line of the narrative.

I earned a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Creative Writing from [University]. SECRETARY OF EVIL is my first novel.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Peter Prior was born with dopplism. Not a great hook, for a few reasons. I don't know what dopplism is, so I had to go Google it, and it's not a real word. I think the concept is cool, but essnetially you're beginning the query with a made up concept and word while not explaining what it is. This isn't a good move for a query, but additionally for an MG it raises the question of whether the text itself might be similarly veiled for the young reader. Whilst sleeping on his 15th birthday, he spawns a twin - the ganger to his original doppel. Start with this instead! This is interesting, and doesn't need a ton of explanation. Government Guardians, sent to snatch the ganger, take Peter by mistake and imprison him in an underground training kingdom, known as Subterra. There, Peter joins the 'renegades' – a group set upon escaping the punishing regime where gangers are at the mercy of the President's absolute power. Peter is determined to tell the world about the government's hate crime against gangers and to destroy Subterra. I think we need a little more world building here - so having dopplism is something that happens on a fairly regular basis in this world, it seems. Peter isn't necessaily an anomaly. This needs to be more clear. Also, why are the gangers hated / disliked? Is there something different about them? How are the distinct from their doppel and why are they persecuted?

The novel comes with a copy of the handbook given to all gangers when they enter Subterra, containing important information, including a map of the kingdom; the history of the organisation; the rules which recruits must follow; their training timetable and details of future missions. This is not the place to talk about bonus content. We don't really know what the plot of the book is, so you need to use your query space to get that across. We need more worldbuilding, as mentioned above, but we also need the plot to be more clear - what does Peter want? What is stopping him from getting it? How does he feel about his ganger? How does he feel about the other gangers he meets? Is there a supporting cast? Friends? I think the concept is awesome, but we need more plot here in order for an agent to jump.

SUBTERRA is an upper middle grade novel, complete at 54,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Chris Bradford's BODYGUARD series as an action adventure story, as well as to readers of Ben Oliver's THE LOOP in its story of teenagers’ bravery when imprisoned within a callous, fictional regime.

I have a First Class Honours Degree in English Literature from Durham University and I have been Head of English in 11-18 schools not sure what that means? for 13 years – a job which, happily, allows me to read and talk about books with young people, all day. I have had a short, humorous story published in Reader's Digest and I have met both my father's and my brother-in-law’s ganger. Good comp titles, good bio.