The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking your representation for What Happened to Her, an upmarket feminist thriller that will appeal to fans of My Dark Vanessa and Bright Young Women. I feel my book would be a good fit for your agency because many of the items mentioned in your manuscript wishlist are key elements in my book, particularly the emphasis on flawed protagonists and female rage. What Happened to Her also has a strong social justice angle, which I noticed appealed to you. This is great! You identify you genre and comp titles as well as signifying that you are approaching this specific agent for a reason and have done your research.

In a world obsessed with dead girls, a haunted woman uncovers a beloved public figure’s trail of victims and must decide whether she will become another cautionary tale or take matters into her own outraged hands. What world is this? Like our actual world? Do you mean like true crime fixation? I'm not sure what your hook is trying to get across. What would it mean to become a cautionary tale? Is she in danger from the killer?

Two years ago, Nadine Dalton had the world word echo here with "world" at her feet. Weaponizing her grief after her sister’s school shooting death into firebrand activism, Nadine was a rising star and media darling. But just as rapidly as she rose, she fell from favor and is now living a hermit-like life as a reviled has-been. Why did she fall from favor? Feels important. She spends her days thinking about “dead girls” such as Laura Palmer, JonBenet Ramsey, and Marilyn Monroe—a hobby which both consumes and disgusts her. The first is fictional, the second two are real. Just wondering if there's a reason to include a fictional dead girl After beginning an internship with a nationally beloved front runner for governor, who inexplicably is fond of her despite public opinion,The way this reads is that the public believes the governor is not fond of her. Needs rephrased. Nadine feels rejuvenated. This, however, proves to be a deception, and Nadine spirals again. Is this a romantic connection? Or just something she was hoping for career-wise? When she discovers a link between her boss and a dead former intern, she realizes the scope of his abuse is larger and more sinister than she ever imagined. Nadine embarks on a treacherous investigation that uncovers a trail of manipulation, lies, and the ghosts of other forgotten girls. Descending into a dangerous rage as she is thwarted at every turn, Nadine feels her restraint slipping away and will stop at nothing to find justice and give voice to the voiceless. This is the first mention of her rage, so idk how it fits into the plot. Is she going to go after him herself? Vigilante justice?

I have been writing my entire life and cannot remember a time when I wasn’t either actively working on or daydreaming about a new story. I won a writing scholarship in college and have had my work showcased in regional publications. As a young woman who grew up in a world of mounting hate, I wanted to write a story exploring this turmoil, but also the determined resistance borne from it. Good bio, I like it.

Overall I think we need to see a little more plotwise here - what does Nadine want? What stands in her way of getting it? What will she do to overcome the obstacles, and what is at stake if she fails? Those are the biggest things to make sure are in a query, and right now They aren't all totally apparent.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m seeking representation for RUNELIGHT BURNING, my 106,000 word new adult romantic fantasy novel with series potential, inspired by Norse mythology. It’s the slow-burn romance of Spark of the Everflame meets the intricate worldbuilding and politics of The City of Brass. Given your interest in XXX, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. Not a bad start, although if you think it's possible to get it under 100k, I would definitely try. You'd be surprised how much you can cut out.

Her power could spark a war, but will she let it burn? Let what burn? Her power? The war?

Half-breed Aelia Fairburn has never truly belonged, with too much Runelight in her blood to be accepted in the Mortali realm, yet not enough of it to be welcomed amongst the elitist Álfr. So why should she care about the growing discord between the two? Especially when she’s busy looking after an overly altruistic father and a thriving smuggling business. Why is there a growing discord? What is the problem over?

But when escaping arrest leads to her revealing the true extent of her Runelight – a light power greater than the Four Runes – the Mortali hunt her as a weapon for war. This really doesn't mean much to the reader, b/c there is a lot of assumed knowledge here. We don't have a grasp on the worldbuilding, so this is just kind of a jumble of words that I understand, but don't know what they mean when put together. That’s when Cahír, a condescending mercenary hired by Aelia’s estranged half-brother in the Álfr realm, This is a pretty long descripion. I think you can just say he's a condescending mercenary arrives promising to escort her to safety. Unable to contain her powers, or her growing attraction to the unusually moral mercenary, their journey forces Aelia to confront her fears; what will happen if she lets him, or her Runelight, in.

But as it turns out the Mortali aren’t the only ones after her power, and choosing not to wield it may cost her everything.

Same problem here at the end. I don't really know what the power is, or what's at stake, or who is arguring, or what they're arguing about. There are a lot of words here that aren't necessairly coming together with meaning unless you already have background information (like the author) to fill in the gaps.

I work in communications at a university library and consume books with a passion when not writing or walking my dog. I was a finalist in the London Festival of Writing’s Friday Night Live competition. Good bio! Just work on getting more plot into this query rather than leaning on the worldbuilding.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Your enthusiasm for smart, commercially appealing fiction with strong protagonists and unexpected twists makes me think my manuscript, Capo Cruise Lines might interest you. Not a bad start, but you need to indicate a genre for your story here. Smart, commerically appealing fiction with strong protags and twists is a broad swath. Where would this be shelved in a bookstore?

Josh, a repressed engineer, reluctantly joins a singles cruise at his father’s urging to loosen up and live a little. But when he’s seated with four captivating women—each with ties to organized crime—his vacation spirals into a dangerous flirtation with seduction, secrets, and betrayal. As shipboard antics and exotic ports of call complicate the group’s dynamics, Josh must navigate a web of intrigue to escape with his life and livelihood and a newfound sense of self. This isn't really doing the work of a query, it's way too broad. What are the secrets? The seduction? The betrayal? What are these antics and how are the group dynamics complicated? What is this web of intrigue? Right now this could be anything from an at-sea Amish puppy mill to sex trafficking. There's no indication here of what the book is actually about. A query needs to answer these questions -- 1) What does the MC want? 2) What stands in their way of getting it? 3) What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? 4) What's at stake if they don't? Right now this answers the first one - the MC just wants to chill out and maybe hook up. What stands in their way is vague at best, and the last two questions are unanswered.

Complete at 70,000 words, Capo Cruise Lines is my debut novel.Don't bother mentioning this. I’m a professional freelance writer specializing in cybersecurity courseware for high school students, where I craft engaging, accessible content on complex topics. This manuscript draws from my own travel misadventures and is written in the spirit of Elmore Leonard, Carl Hiaasen, and Janet Evanovich. I studied under Pulitzer Prize winner, Frank McCourt, who described my work as “witty, intelligent, and humorous”—qualities I’ve strived to carry into this manuscript.

Right now your bio is longer than the part where you actually talk about the book. Get the word count and comp authors into the first paragraph to make your genre more clear. Studying under Frank McCourt is awesome, but the query isn't conveying wit or humor. If it's a voicey work (and the authors you use as comps are very voicey) then the query needs to have a voice that conveys the voice of the manuscript itself.