Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
You vs. Gone Girl, The Storyteller’s Bodyguard is a psychological thriller and twisted love story, complete at 80,000 words. I always tell people to put the title, word count, genre, and comp titles at the end. Everyone has those things - start with the one thing you have that distingushes you - the hook for your book. I also don't really know what You vs. Gone Girl actually means. I've seen meets used, but not vs. and it just leaves me confused.
What if the only way to get your happy ending was to let a killer get away with murder? Your hook shouldn't be a rhetorical quesiton, but the concept you've got here is a good one. Rephrase it into a declarative sentence.
Birdie Abel is a survivor. She survived her parents’ abuse and her husband’s violence. I'd combine these two sentences and rephrase for flow. She writes stories to heal her wounds, and they inspire millions of readers, but Until one reader’s admiration turns into a dark obsession. He leaves a note on her own bed: I love you so much that I will kill anyone that has ever hurt you.
The police dismiss her, calling the note nothing but a publicity stunt, just like when she asked for their protection from her husband. Mr. Abel sees it as an opportunity to ask for a second chance. When she insists on a divorce, he hires her a bodyguard to prove how much he still cares. Confused about the marital situation here - are they still married, separated, estranged? Do they live together? What's going on? But as the murders start in her name, What does this mean? Who is being killed? How is it in her name? and the notes arrive more personal with intimate details only a spouse would know, Same question - what does this mean? the bodyguard suspects that the husband is the stalker, a sick attempt to scare her into staying with him to keep his share of her fortune. Except the husband, too, is murdered, and the last note holds a detail he never knew. Only one person other than Birdie did. The bodyguard. This is starting to feel more like a synopsis than a query at this point.
As she discovers he’s orchestrated all these events to ensure she throws herself in his protective arms while he moves from stalker to bodyguard to boyfriend, it’s too late to run. Is it? Why? He kidnaps her, determined to make her his and only his. But there’s one thing he doesn’t know. Survivors aren’t afraid of getting their hands dirty, even if it means murder. For Birdie, it won’t be the first time. So... what's at stake? Whether she kills this guy or not? It sounds like it's not that hard of a choice for her, and also raises the question of who she's killed before. I think we need a better idea of what the goals are here - what does Birdie want? (just to survive, or does she totally want to kill this guy?) And what's standing in her way?
I’ve written over fourteen novels under the pen name (redacted), sold over 300,000 copies and had over 350 million pages read. I’ve been hyping this story to my 20,000 newsletter subscribers and 50,000 followers on TikTok and Instagram, and they’re more than excited to read it. This is a GREAT bio, and will certainly capture an agent's interest.