The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Fifteen-year-old Jerri Campbell, who despises all things popular, gets taken in by the queen bee at her new school and uses the opportunity to redefine what it means to be popular. This is cute, and a decent hook, but it could be the lead in to anything from a horror movie to a self-help. Is she redefining it by promoting body positivity? Or is she redefining it by murdering the queen bee and replacing her? Just a tiny bit more info here in the lead in to give us a touch more feel for the genre. You've also got an echo with the word "popular."

Jerri Campbell wants to be invisible. Ever since her dad’s recent anxiety attacks, she’s done her best to avoid drama, even when he made her change schools in the middle of sophomore year. What's the connection to her wanting to be invisible and his anxiety attacks? Same question for her changing schools? Instead, she focuses on reconnecting with her best friend Lucy back home, who seems to have ghosted her. But when Jerri gets paired with popular girl Celebrity Orion as her student tour guide, she is unwillingly thrust into the spotlight. Not understanding why a simple (one day, I assume?) tour guide pairing would thrust her into the spotlight? Did something remarkable happen?

Jerri’s natural instinct is to resist, but she realizes she might get Lucy’s attention by documenting the inner workings of the popular crowd for a laugh. Documenting how? Online? Like a blog? Or only to Lucy? Only Celebrity isn’t what Jerri expects her to be. At least, not at first. Maybe there is a way to do this popularity thing right. And Jerri is determined to find it. If she can pull this off, she will prove to everyone, even Lucy, that popular girls can be kind and loyal, too. If she can’t, she will become what she despises: selfish and disloyal. Why? What is this thing she's trying to pull off that will either prove that everyone is great, or that she herself is horrible?

Fans of Morgan Matson’s Since You’ve Been Gone will enjoy the aspect of proving something to a friend who has disappeared, while fans of Mean Girls will enjoy the popularity showdown. Is there a showdown though? It sounds like Celebrity is a decent person...

You've got the bones here, but they're disjointed and out of place. Did Lucy ghost her b/c there was an argument regarding popularity? Or is that an unrelated issue to her falling out of touch? What does Dad's anxiety have to do with anything, and why the school change? Why does Jerri want to be invisible? Is it connected to any of the things above? You say, if she can pull this off, she will prove to everyone... But what does that mean? Is she documenting a single event that will serve as proof? Does Celebrity know her actions are being documented? Is there a fallout between those two? Does Jerri have to prove loyalty to one or the other?

You can see there are a lot of questions that this query raises - and that's a good thing, you want the reader to be curious. But you also don't want them to be confused, and right now you've got too many questions raised, not enough answers. Draw the lines between the related elements in the query, and let us know a little more about the driving plot points. Like I said - good bones. You just need to put the skeleton together :)

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Thirteen-year-old Myrdra lives on one of her planet’s thirty-six moons with her father, Grondyl, the moon’s political leader. It's interesting enough, and lets us in on the genre right away, but it could definitely have more of a hook to it. So, she’s well-versed in all the moons and their histories. Her favorites are the ice-covered one with its two-hundred-million-square-mile Frozen Sea and the landfill moon that used to be a gorgeous, green paradise a millennium ago. Again, interesting enough - but where's the hook?

Then a wealthy, high-powered politician, Valdor, slanders Grondyl, usurping his position. Myrdra desperately wants to get revenge on Valdor and clear her father’s name. However, Grondyl catches wind behind the political scene that Valdor is an extremely dark-natured man ultimately out to rule the planet and its moons, by whatever means necessary. Therefore, Grondyl strongly advises Myrdra not to interfere with Valdor’s plans, afraid that if she does, Valdor might hire somebody to pick her off. Unfortunately, her mother (and Grondyl’s wife) met a similar fate a few years ago, and to this day nobody knows who killed her or why. Hey... I found your hook. It's down here, buried.

But then Myrdra remembers something her mother once told her—listen to your heart no matter what. Thus, leaving her with a difficult decision. Will she listen to her father or attempt to clear his name and spread word of Valdor’s depravity, risking her life and potentially others’ in the process? Ending with a rhetorical question isn't a good idea, but even worse when you can answer it yourself. I mean if she DOES listen to her father and just lie low, there wouldn't be much of a plot, would there?

Your hook is that mom died mysteriously, possibly at the hands of a questionable political figure who is now smearing Myrdra's father. There's a lot more there to gain interest than what your current opening is - general introduction and some environmental world building.

Get your hook out there front and center, then raise the dilemma of listening to her father and keeping herself safe, or risking it all to find out the truth.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

KICKED THE BUCKET LIST is a Dumplin’ style spin on a Dear Evan Hansen-esque story of grief, love, and overcoming the past, I'd use an ellipsis here instead of a comma if you subtract characters breaking spontaneously into song and add a whole bunch more dead people.

Sixteen-year-old Mackenzie Quinn-Zislowsky has come a long way since her sister died a couple years ago. She’s more or less pushed grief aside by focusing on her anonymous Instagram account, Kicked The Bucket List, where she posts about fulfilling the last wishes of the newly dead. The kicker? I'd change the phrasing here as it almost feels like a side-wink to the agent like... yeah I know big deal - BUT! Maybe flesh it out more like -- What she doesn't share with her [however large] audience is that Each last wish is pulled from one of Mack’s nightly dreams about real life people who recently croaked.

One night Mackenzie doesn’t dream of someone dying. She dreams that her old crush, Colton Reyes, is contemplating suicide. Determined to help Colton see that there are parts of life worth living for, Mackenzie drags a less than enthusiastic Colton just use him here. The drags wording already shows his unwillingness along for Kicked The Bucket List escapades. However, Mack doesn’t tell Colton that she is the List’s creator or that she befriended him because she knows about his suicidal thoughts. If he finds out the truth, she is worried she will lose him for good. World building question - if Mack is the one making sure the wishes are carried out, isn't it obvious that she's the creator? Or is the list something that others contribute to in order to fulfill them? Worth mentioning, as it's a plot pothole.

But Colton’s life isn’t the only thing Mackenzie has to worry about. As Colton and Mackenzie grow closer, Mackenzie must find a way to protect her heart and her anonymity, or risk exposing the painful secret that would destroy the new life she’s built for herself. But what is the painful secret? Right now this just feels like a help others but guard your own feelings redemptive story with a small supernatural twist. A query isn't a place to be coy, so we need to know what the painful secret is.

KICKED THE BUCKET LIST is a complete 70k word young adult novel. The manuscript has received multiple awards including the RWA Linda Howard Award of Excellence and first place in the RWA Pages from the Heart contest, and it was a finalist for SCBWI’s Joan Lowry Nixon Award for most promising manuscript.

This novel is personal for me having overcome my own struggles with mental health and body image. I am an active member of SCBWI and a mentee in the Nevada SCBWI 2019 mentorship program. In addition to being a writer, I am a hotel designer/developer, a human rights activist, and a world traveler.

Great bio, and lovely list of already-accumulated awards and accolades. Right now the query is good and I think you could get some bites with it, but in order to really pack a punch and give yourself the best possible shot, you'll need to clear up the world-building question above, as well as put the crux of Mack's secret out into the light.