The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Meili Bai hates humanity with a passion. Good hook!

Humanity disowned Mogwai You sure you want to use Mogwai? I immediately think of Gizmo and from the description that follows, I'd say that's not accurate like her for their red eyes, black nails, and the way their feet hovered inches above the ground. Humanity embraced the Mogwai-hating empire that stormed the City and the corrupt government officials who let it happen. I would just refer to them as humans after the first hook.

Worst of all, humanity tore Meili’s little brother Rin from her side. Meili will do anything to find him, even if that means clashing with a dangerous police state.

Then, Meili discovers her first ray of hope: a brash fugitive who can track Rin’s nervous signals. Chul Kim does not hate humanity, but he does hate dying. If he’s going to help Meili find Rin, it’s going to be on his terms, whether Meili likes it or not. You're leaning a little heavily on the hate theme. It's getting repititive. Hate is not necessarily a sustainable emoiton, so I'd rethink using it often in the query. While it might be an accurate reflection of the character, it's also the only trait we're getting about her - HATE. What else? Are the red eyes and black nails just for show? Can she fly, or just hover? Tell us more than hate. The same is true of Chul - of course he hates dying. That's an assumed. What else?

Political turmoil brews in the City. The commander of the invading empire So the City is a bad place anyway, and they hate Mogwai. But there's somebody worse at the gates? wants total control—a fate that will prove disastrous to Meili and her fellow Mogwai. Isn't it already disastrous? Would this really change things? But little does Meili know that Rin is the key to the City’s downfall. How? Why? Bullets spray. Blood spills. With each passing day, the City creeps closer and closer to complete submission. Meili must overcome the blind hatred in her veins as Rin edges further and further from her grasp. Why does she have to overcome her hate? Is she going to help the City? Why is Rin moving further from her grasp if he was already lost?

Someone is bound to yield, and something is bound to break. Great last line!

Cyberpunk Mulan meets RED QUEEN by Victoria Aveyard in GHOSTHEART, a 93,000-word YA science fiction novel featuring #ownvoices Asian representation and key components of Taiwanese culture. It will appeal to fans drawn to the futuristic landscape of Marie Lu's WILDCARD and the political intrigue of Victoria Lee's THE FEVER KING. Great comp titles. However, from the description this feels way more like fantasy than Sci-Fi.

I am a high school senior in Central California. When I’m not writing, I’m bingeing anime at late hours and listening to BTS. I wouldn't reveal your age in the query. Of course, don't lie about it, but let the story stand for itself and if the query garners you a phone call, be honest and share a more detailed bio.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

By combining a healing salve with a poisonous sap, brainiac Haddie Kellar set out to change the world for all women—one man at a time. It would make more sense if you share what the salve does before making the broad statement that it will change the world. Not all men—just those who continually exerted their power and strength on their wives, their daughters, on strangers. Not sure that the "exemption clause"is necessary.

Fed up with continued abuse and sex crimes—not to mention blatant sexism—Haddie decided Consider writing it in present tense to make it more dynamic "decides" vs. "decided" to start a movement after discovering that her special gel weakened the central nervous system just enough to alter a man’s personality. Get this closer to your lead. This is the hook - it's buried down here. It only needed to be pressed into the skin, extinguishing urges for control and dominance, leaving the recipient calm and docile. I'm going to make the comment here that I (as a female) definitely have some urges to control and dominate, as well. Might want to consider rephrasing?

But Haddie was just one woman, needing an army to carry out her mission. So, she plucked her warriors one by one from Facebook, secretly vetting them from behind special software that concealed her IP address, assembling a group that stretched from coast to coast. Not even her loving, supportive husband, Sam, knew what his wife got up to once he left for work. This is fine, but again, the present tense would be more compelling. The way it's written now it feels like we're reading backstory, rather than the actual story, if that makes sense.

Wanting to remain anonymous, yet be recognized, Haddie’s recruits left their mark with three letters: H.O.W.—Hands of Women. When social media and major news outlets buzzed with stories regarding the mysterious society, Haddie knew she was crossing a line. Yes, men’s lives were being altered, but for the better, in her opinion. Was it so wrong what they were doing? Right now you are verging into synopsis territory. In general, this is already too long, and too detailed, to be a query.

When Sam discovered Haddie was behind the covert mission, it rattled their marriage. He loved his wife’s convictions for her fellow woman, but feared she’d be found out and then what? He couldn’t lose her, but she refused to stop, convinced that her cause created a better world for everyone. He eventually came around after reading stories from the women directly affected by Haddie’s creation.

And then it happened—a white hat hacker tracked Haddie’s identity, showing up on her doorstep. Imagine her shock when he turned out to be her brother-in-law. Will he do the right thing and expose her identity to the authorities? Or will he turn a blind eye, leaving her to continue helping women all over the world? Suddenly this story is about the brother in law, not our main character.

HANDS OF WOMEN is a women’s fiction I'm not convinced it is. This sounds more like a soft Sci-Fi or a domestic thriller novel complete at 81,500 words.

Starting out as a self-published author, I have seven books out in the market, three of them with a start-up contract publisher. Currently, I am writing book number ten, another women’s fiction. I wouldn't mention that you are self-published previously unless you have very good sales numbers to back it up with.

Right now this needs a lot of work to be turned from a synopsis into a query. The hook needs to be front and center, the details need to be cleaned out. A query sells the idea of the book - not the plot itself, or the order of events.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

En wants a quiet life working on mechanical marvels. The invaders want her to work on their lethal dehydration guns instead. Nice! Good hook. I'm invested.

The known world is a sunken basin, and the sides of that basin are impenetrable clay, referred to as “the Wall”. Mechanic En Etspring’s small desert hometown is nestled safely into the edge of the Wall. Like they are suspeneded there? Might be a little too much description here. What you are saying is that basically they are isolated, which is covered without the added detail of "nestled into the edge of the wall." But this safety proves to be an illusion when a hostile army arrives, and En must cooperate with them to keep her family safe. Townspeople begin to go missing, including En’s love interest Mo, a blacksmith. At the same time, an ambitious and ruthless invader named Javier has begun to take a dangerous interest in En. Soon, the only way to protect herself and her family is to flee her hometown into the lukewarm embrace of a group of rebels. Is it a surprise that these rebels exist? The "known world" felt small by the earlier description. Was her hometown the only known habitation? Why is the embrace lukewarm? Now that En is free, she is ready to be done with making weapons, but the rebels want her to share her new expertise. For En, escaping town isn’t the same thing as escaping the consequences of her decisions - or the jilted Javier’s revenge. So now she is being asked to make weapons again, but to use against the invaders this time? Feels a little anticlimactic. Maybe some inclination of if she feels any difference about who is on the other end of her weapon? Or is she a pacificist through and through?

Firebelly is an 86,000 word science-fiction adventure story about a young woman balancing conscience and survival, set in an alternative world. It will be my debut novel. Hopefully it is the first of many to include fantasy-style names and dragon motifs. No need to clarify first novel, that can be assumed. I would strike the last sentence as somewhat confusing - you're not clarifying whether this is series potential or themed career potential, and also the dragon motif might fit the title, but not the novel description./span>

Right now I like what you have, but I feel like there needs to be a little ray of hope or an alternative choice for En. Make weapons or... make weapons, doesn't feel like a plot. Is she searching for an alternative? Questioning pros and cons of using her skills against invaders? We know there's a moral quagmire here, but how is it playing out through her actions in the plot?