Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Eighteen-year-old Irina struggles to move on after a man broke into her house and held her mother at knifepoint. And her, I assume? Did she witness this? I would include her in that, if so. Still terrified by the threatening words he uttered before running from the police, What were those words? Promises of more danger to come? Don't tease in a query, let us know what happened. she embarks on a hiking trip with friends–away from her hometown in the center of Romania–hoping to kick-start the healing process.
On a forest-covered peak of the Carpathian Mountains, Irina meets Alex, who wins her over with confidence, witty conversation and his favorite Pink Floyd song. But when they relate his fugitive older brother Robert with the criminal she’s trying to forget, Awkward phrasing here. You're saying that she discovers that his brother is the one who broke in, but the way you're saying it is a convoluted. the healing process Irina was working on needs a makeover. What does this mean? To be with Alex, she’ll have to step into Robert’s world instead of running away from it.
When they tell Irina’s family the truth about Alex’s brother, her father demands the end of their relationship. Irina is not the obedient girl she used to be, I didn't have the feeling that she was obedient, or that it was a character trait she was trying to ditch but leaving leaving to go where? with Alex could not only estrange her from people she loves. But with Robert still on the run and out for revenge, it might place both of them in the line of danger. Revenge? For what?
THE CHOICE IS MINE is a dual-POV romance novel with elements of suspense, complete at 73,400 words, set in my hometown of Brasov–a lovely place in the center of Romania. It should appeal to readers who enjoy Colleen Hoover’s writing style and has a similar “forbidden love” angle as COME BACK TO ME by Mila Gray.
Here's the biggest problem - if this is a dual POV, the query needs to reflect that. Instead the entire thing is told from her POV. Alex doesn't even come into it. Also - why does Robert want revenge? For what? Was the break-in random, or targeted? If her being compliant and obedient is an issue that she has to overcome to get what she wants in the story, that needs to be a larger element in the query as well. Overall, well written, but it needs to reflect the dual POV and my questions above need answered.