The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

It’s 1955, and in Manhattan, three sisters embark on individual life journeys that will test their resolve to follow their dreams. Even when that pursuit means going against the wishes of their family as well as societal norms family’s and society’s norms. Not a bad lead in, but watch for awkward usage. I'm not sure that the second sentence is a complete sentence.

Helen, the eldest, has finally fallen in love and wants to get married. However, her father forbids it due to an ancient feud he refuses to abandon. Need more. How is this different from any other star-crossed love story?

Carolyn, the middle daughter and most beautiful, is determined to become New York City’s most sought after woman. Chasing this dream gets her thrown out of the family home, but her pigheadedness may have landed her in the lion’s den with no way out. What does this mean? And what are her goals? Doesn't sought after mean she's looking for marraige? If not, what does it mean? Marriage wouldn't get her thrown out of the house, so we need details here.

Peggy, the youngest, is determined to become a doctor, not a married housewife. When she meets a man twice her age, her resolve falters and she must decide whether a family or a career is more important to her. Why is his age relevant? How does that factor into her future?

Right now, these are all very vague, and verging on tropes. We need specifics in order to see what makes this different from every other star-crossed lovers, good girl acting out, and choose between a career and family narrative. Details are going to be important to show that this is different from any / every other historical title with a similar vein.

A TALE OF THREE SISTERS (102,000) is a historical romance full of family secrets Like what? I didn't see any secrets mentioned above. which will appeal to anyone who has gone after their dreams in spite of challenges. This novel is in the style of We Are the Brennans (Tracey Lange) and The Star-Crossed Sisters of Tuscany (Lori Nelson Spielman).

Your word count is a little high. You'll want to get this under 100k. I also question the genre slightly - is this romance or is it women's fiction? Only you can know the answer to that, but romance tends to have a heavier focus on the relationips in isolation, whereas this seems to have a function beyond the that.

My traditionally published debut historical novel won the 2019 Marie M Irvine Award for Literary Excellence. My historical fiction, Maybe clarify not the ms you're querying presently with Woodhall Press and scheduled to be released in September 2022, won the 2021 When Words Count nationwide competition. I’ve also had short stories published in various themed anthologies. My non-fiction essay appeared in the 2021 Chicken Soup for the Soul Blessings of Christmas. I received my MA in English (Writing Emphasis) from Northern Arizona University. I’m a member of the Historical Novel Society, Women’s National Book Association, Women Fiction Writers Association, and Authors Guild.

Good bio!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Eleven-year-old Frederick David Jones is bored of school and routine and boredom. In general, having a main character who is bored can be a hard sell. Reading about someone else's boredom is... boring. You've also got an echo here (repeated use of the word). Instead, find a synonym - unfullfilled, dissatsified.. etc His solution: wander into the woods. When he accidentally drifts off, What does this mean? Floats away? Falls asleep? he wakes up Aha! Fell asleep - but you need to say as much to find the trees have grown about a hundred feet tall and look about a million years old. But did they, actually? Is he in a different place or in a Rip Van Winkle situation? A spirit lady warns that the world is fading and he must strive to “remember.” What does this mean? What world is fading? What does he need to remember? How does he feel about this? Back home, after months of trying to reconcile the two worlds, a failed attempt to run away, from what / who? and a whole lot of magically skipping through time, this is potentially confusing - is he skipping through time in our world? Their world? What is the connection to the plot? What is he trying to remember? Which world is fading and what is at stake? he meets Sage Namid Luna, a weird, home-schooled kid who just moved from the countryside and who has no qualms about holding hands. They venture into the woods and pass into the other realm, but everything has turned monochrome and misty, and the spirit has become a monster. They flee, but when Frederick emerges from the fog, Sage is gone. I don't really understand how all of these things form together to create the plot.

Frederick must resist an ever-strengthening time-skipping curse, gather his friends, escape the authoritarian adults, and charge into the woods (now crawling with cops) to find Sage and stop the insatiable spirit-turned-monster even as the greyness seeps into the eyes of the people around him and the fog leaks between worlds, throwing into question the separation of the two places and threatening to blanket everything and everyone in mindless, colorless, everlasting nothing.

Why is time skipping a curse? He was bored to begin with, now time skipping is a curse, not fun? Was it fun in the first place? What is he trying to remember and why will that stop the grayness? You say he has friends, but they're not mentioned. He sounds like a loner. Why are the adults authoritarian? Why did he try to run away? If the spirit is now the monster, was her warning bad... or good? Should the places be separate? Is that bad or good? you can see that right now I have a lot of questions about how these disparate elemeents tie together to create the actual plot, and the query will need to do more work to illustrate that.

FREDERICK AND THE WOODLANDS is a 51,000-word YA If he's 11, it's definitely more MG novel somewhere between urban fantasy and magical realism. Its primary audience is 12-18, but it will appeal to a wide range of ages. That may be true, but they want to market it to a certain age group, and kids tend to want to read UP - by that I mean, about kids older than them. They don't want to read about younger kids. With your protag being 11, this is definitely in the MG realm The novel uses magic as a means to explore such relevant themes as coming of age, conformity, expectations, belonging, consumerism, ontology, and the human-environment relationship in today’s dynamic world. It very well could, but I don't see those reflected in the description above.

Elements of the story and voice evoke books like Colin Meloy’s WILDWOOD, Katherine Paterson’s BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA and Brandon Mull’s FABLEHAVEN; movies like Wes Anderson’s MOONRISE KINGDOM, Hayao Miyazaki’s MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO, and Guillermo Del Toro's PAN’S LABYRINTH; and shows like Patrick McHale’s OVER THE GARDEN WALL and the Duffer brothers’ STRANGER THINGS. Good comps, but too many - pick two!

I am a young writer living in Fort Collins, Colorado, where I study political economy and environment in graduate school. I have been published in a local magazine and a college literary journal, and I have a minor in creative writing. This project—hopefully—will be my first published novel. Name your college journal and don't bother mentioning that you don't have any novel credits yet - it's assumed.

I hope you will consider FREDERICK AND THE WOODLANDS for representation. Please find the first [] pages below. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Harmony “Goldilocks” Gold is hunted by a “Charming” guard she can’t help falling for as, haunted Using "hunted" so close to "haunted" had me mentally confusing the two. I didn't realize he was pursuing her until I had read further by the tragedy and accusations of her past, she travels across the kingdoms to see the trial of her abusive father. I realize I might be alone in this, but I don't understand why Charming is in quotes - is he prince Charming? But a guard? I think this opening sentence is a touch convoluted and must be unraveled in order for the reader to dissect what's going on. I'd shoot for simplicity in your opening hook.

The Criminal is a twist on the story of “Goldilocks” and tells the story of Harmony Gold, a sarcastic fugitive forced into a life on the run by her abusive father and the death of her mother. In desperation to survive after the loss of loved ones, Harmony slowly becomes the criminal the world thinks she is, taking on the identity others have given her. Harmony struggles for freedom and desires a normal life but has to come to the realization that neither is in the cards for “Goldilocks.” Right now, this is running in circles - you've got an opening para that sounds like a pitch, but then you go into an overview statement here. We need to know why the world thinks she is a criminal, and how she evolves to become one. Right now these are broad statements that don't tell us much at all about the actual plot.

But when Harmony finds an advertisement for the trial of her father, she sees a way towards the freedom she so desires. If only she could lose the guard chasing her. And if only she could stop falling head over heels for him. Why would there be an ad for a trial? Is it just like a news statement? Why would the trial be a path toward freedom for her? Why is a guard chasing her? How can she fall head over heels for someone she is evading? Do they interact? Surely they must be thrown together at some point in order to fall in love? You'll see from my questions here that the plot isn't reallly present in the query.

Now Harmony must decide: is freedom what she really wants? Or will she redefine her identity as something more than a criminal? Why does she have to decide? What forces that?

The Criminal is an 87,000 word YA novel appropriate for both MG and adult audiences. That's a pretty large statement - that this book can be read by MG to adults. You need to be more narrow, b/c the counterargument is that they won't know how to market it.It is the first in a seven-book series You definitely don't want to be pitching the first in a 7 book series. It needs to be a standlone with series potential - and that needs to be an accurate statement. entitled Once Upon a Tome with themes of identity and racial discrimination. Really? Where? I had zero idea that this was the case from everything above. The writing style is a cross between Gail Carson Levine and Sarah J. Maas with a little bit of Chris Colfer’s middle-grade whimsy.

I am a dual citizen of New Zealand and the US, a dog mother, and a tea enthusiast. I have been writing with the intent to publish since I was twelve and recently self-published a poetry book entitled Imagine This: From Pain to Possibility about the severe pain and medical conditions I face and the ways I push through. The book has sold about 75 copies so far. I hope to publish more books in the YA fiction realm in the future. Without extremely impressive self-publishing sales, don't mention it at all. Also, most people who are writers have been writing since they were children. If you don't have anything incredibly relevant to include in your bio, don't be scared to leave it simple, and skimpy.