The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

A new Bringer and her Unburdened must break all the rules to save the kings of two dimensions and stop a generations-old curse. Typically you want a hook to grab your reader - any reader. The agent reading this doesn't know what a Bringer or an Unburdened is, so this really doesn't mean anything to them. It only means something to a person who is already acquianted with the world.

Princess Bria and Tievel are the dream team. She’s the Bringer, the one who ushers human souls to her realm of Vernichtung; same situation, we don't know what Vernichtung is, so that doesn't mean anything to us he’s the Unburdened, the one who creates the portal to the human dimension and ensures that everything goes off without a hitch.You're doing a good job of getting the explanation of what they do in here, but it needs to be more succint and the query should have swung over to plot by this point Bria’s down-to-earth but naïve nature pairs perfectly with the humorous and charismatic Tievel. They take to Bringing souls and signing off on Death certificates like wine pairs with cheese (or more wine).Nice quick character sketches, and a flash of humor - shows the (I assume) voice the book

Yet not everything is right in Vernichtung. A Bringer dies prematurely, something completely unheard of in their land. Bria is suspicious something is amiss, but when her father falls ill with similar symptoms, she has a sense of déjà vu. She’s read these exact events in one of her human fantasy books. But what she thought to be fantasy might hold more weight than she ever could have imagined. This might be a little in the weeds, for a query, plot wise. You could cut this and the next para is still doing the work of getting the plot across.

They learn the royal family of Vernichtung has been cursed, linking them to the fate of those in the human world. The royal family? Like the real, contemproary one? It’s up to Bria and Tievel to break it. Why? With her father's life on the line, she and Tievel will break all the rules: meet with a secret society, infiltrate a royal court in another dimension, and befriend a member of the usually unseen Green Guard. This is a new term. I don't know who they are or what this means, or why it's wrong. They quickly make allies wherever they go, but not everyone is what they seem. When people’s true colors begin to show, Bria and Tievel must do what they have to in order to save Bria’s father, punish the wicked, and maintain the balance. We need more info than "doing what they have to do. I can see what's at stake, but what are the obstacles, a little more specifically? Who are the bad guys?

I saw you represented [book]and hope you will find interest in my YA fantasy novel THE UNBURDENED complete at 72,000 words. It is a standalone novel with series potential.It blends the vibes and archetypes of Jennifer Armentrout’s The Harbinger series with a little playfulness similar to F.C. Yee’s The Epic Crush of Genie Lo series. Nice, good stats info and comp title para.

In my alternate life, I work as a systems analyst.

Likes: reading, the beach, curling up for a movie or video game marathon with my husband and 3 dogs, general silliness. Dislikes: People who take themselves too seriously, writing the dreaded book synopsis (but I have one if you want it).Lol - okay. I don't know that writing a bio like a dating profile is a good idea, but the last line is pretty damn funny.

Looking for the Tievel to my Bria. Thank you for your consideration.Once again, this is still a reference that means more to you than to them, so I'd cut.

Overall, not in bad shape. You need a better hook that isn't relying on familiarity with the content in order to pack a punch. The worldbuilding needs a few more details for clarity, while pulling back a little bit on that to make more room for plot. Also, if there is a romance between the two MC's, that should be mentioned.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for IN THE SPACES BETWEEN, a dual-POV adult psychological thriller complete at 95,000 words. I generally encourage people not to start with title, genre and word count simply b/c everyone who is querying has those - start out with something they don't, the hook for your own book.

There is an ever-growing list of shoulds in ten-year-old Esmee’s life. She should have friends, she should cry after her mom’s suicide, and she should fear the creature that is rumored to live in the forest behind her house. Good hook - I think start with this! But she doesn’t. And when a whisper beckons her into the woods forest, it gives her a sense of belonging and lulls her into a trance, until she exits hours later covered in blood. Not sure about the word "until" here, as it signifies something has ended or changed - which you may be referring to the trance, but I think it needs to be clarified.

Esmee’s dad, Peter, struggles to make sense of his new reality. The pain of losing his wife is unbearable, and the shadowed memories of his upbringing are creeping back in. He reminds himself that he isn’t his father, and his past is behind him. But when a stranger is standing at his wife’s grave, Peter’s grief is stained with questions, and he spirals in search for the truth. This is good until we get to "But when a stranger..." everything after that is extremely vague - graves, questions, search for truth - that could be anybody's book. You need more specifics about what THIS book has in it, that others might not.

Esmee’s reality becomes convoluted by her obsession, the creature’s voice overtakes her and incites increasingly violent behavior. I think collapse Esmee's paras together, this one doesn't really add anything and doesn't deserve to stand alone.

Peter unravels his wife’s secrets.Like what? Again, being vague won't win points in a query. And when he discovers that the same darkness that troubled her may run through Esmee, he attempts to get his daughter help, because he can’t lose her too. He's certain he can keep his family together, and safe… until Esmee’s actions threaten to shatter everything Peter has ever loved. How? In what way?

I work in Finance and live in Salt Lake City. When I’m not writing or working, I’m out in the mountains.

You have a good start here, but you need to get those specifics in there. Right now there's just a vague danger, and I'm not sure what the goals are, and what obstacles stand in the way of those goals. It sounds like Peter is the one who will have those goals, so I would use Esmee's intro (b/c it's quite good), and then have one para for Peter where you explain his struggles, what he wants now, and why he can't have that.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

OUR SECRETS WILL SAVE US is a 72,000-word YA modern-day psychological thriller. Told through multiple points of view over a 2-day period this “whodunit" mystery revolves around small town secrets and the lengths each character takes to keep them hidden. It’s perfect for fans of Holly Jackson’s FIVE SURVIVE and Netflix’s series MURDAUGH MURDERS. Good intro! I typically tell writers to put title, word count, genre, comp titles at the bottom, but you've done a solid job with this and I see no reason to move it.

It’s the night of prom prom night in the small southern southern is implied in naming the state, so you don't need it here town of Foley, Georgia. The high school guests all gather to celebrate the grand finale of the year I'd find a different way to intro this thought, you're basically describing prom, and we all know what that is and everything is going as planned - that is until one of their fellow classmates is found dead.

I'm not sure about the structure that you're using here. Is one of the listed characters below the victim? My initial reaction is that you're listing possible suspects, but then the last sentence implies that one of THEM is going to die... so do two people die, or is there only one death and one of the listed characters is the victim?

It also raises questions about timeline - is this book about the murder, or about figuring out who the killer is? In other words, are we going to see all these characters bouncing off each other, and then the penultimate moment is the murder itself? Or is the murder an early occurrence, and the story is actually about figuring out who did it? You call it a whodunit in the intro para, but if that's the question, then one of these characters has to be searching for the answers - not just being listed as having a motive.

Vivian - the Junior Class President - has worked tirelessly in perfecting the night, but of all people, she knows that nothing is ever as perfect as it seems. That's a pretty broad statement that could mean anything

Walker - the druggy - has one last chance to prove to them all that what happened last year doesn’t define him, that what happened last year should have never happened to him. But what happened last year, and why does it matter now? How does it tie into prom?

Averitt - the musician - has suffered for three years after his best friend’s death, but how can he move on when he is in love with his dead best friend’s sister? But how is that a motive?

Miya - the runner - has learned how to keep her distance, but when an unexpected romance becomes the center of her attention, she will do anything to protect their interracial secret. Definitely interesting, but again, I don't know how this is a motive, partially because I don't know who's dead

Brookyln - the newbie - has moved in with a step-father and step-brother she hates and is desperately searching for a connection - a connection that quickly turns into an obsession. Again, interesting, but all of these feel very disparate. It might be more intersting to trace how they connect, rather than setting each apart

Each of them has a secret. Each of them has a motive. And when each of their secrets begin to collide, someone will not leave prom alive. I like this, but it might work better as a hook!

I think you've created a difficult plot to query, lol! First of all, ask yourself if each of these 5 characters actually needs their own POV. Five is a LOT to juggle and as a first time writer, an agent might question your ability to pull it off. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but I do think it's something of a barrier.

I think your plot sounds interesting, and I love the idea of a prom murder, and each of their secrets being interconnected. That interconnection might be a more interesting way to structure the query, rather than listing characters.