Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am a seventy-six years young mother of four and grandmother of five. I graduated with a B.S. in Education in 1968, and decided to go back for an MBA fifty years later. Reading has been one of my favorite things, most genres, all of my life. I found that I also love to write, and that I, and my family and friends enjoyed my story: it is my hope that you will also. I advise almost everyone to put their bio at the end of their query. Quite frankly, you have to grab attention with your first line, and the first line of anyone's bio isn't typically all that interesting.
Grace of God is a modern-day tale about protagonist, Delle Carrington, born to parents at like, yet conflicting conclusions of their early existence. This is a very conovluted opening sentence. You need to work on a hook that will grab the reader, not intro them in like a book report. Each a product of a large inner-city environment, they survive, yet with different outcomes. At this point we're talking much more about the parents than about Delle, even though D is supposed to be the protagonist. Delle’s father advances to a high-profile position and wanting more for his family than he had, moves them to an upper-class community. Her mother, coming from the exact same environment, yearns for the opposite: a diverse community in which to raise their family. Although beloved by both of her parents, young Delle loves her mother, but adores her father: she is his Princess. Again, lots of focus on the parents, not Delle, and no idea of what the plot might be. You only have 300 words to get major points across in a query. Right now I don't know what the plot is or who Delle is, and we're already 1/3 through.
To folk on the outside looking in, Delle was blessed by wishes from all the good fairies at birth: You haven't mentioned a genre, so while everything sounds like a modern, contemporary setting, the mention of people considering the wishes of fairies muddies the genre waters beauty, wealth, prominent, good-looking parents, intellect, everything that would dictate a happily-ever-after outcome for her life. But the marriage has chasms that cannot be forged and at odds, they divorce. Again, still talking about the parents.
One might ask, what recourse is there for a Daddy’s-girl, literally torn from her father’s arms, on the occasion of her parent’s divorce? Rhetorical questions in a query are best avoided. They're not compelling. This becomes the catalyst that forms the kindled-dysfunctional person she will become. The Princess, will not forgive her mother from removing her from the only home she’s ever known, and more importantly, from her beloved father. In fact, she distains her mother from that moment forward in her life and instead seeks fulfillment from the most horrific influences of society: drugs, alcohol, sex and living in the super-fast lane.
It is only after a spiraling, life-long path towards all-embracing destruction and eminent death, that she seeks to attain salvation…in a most unexpected way.
Again, there's no plot here. I have no idea what Delle does to attain salvation, how old she is, what the goal is, etc. At the moment this just reads like a poor little rich girl story, which had been done a million times before. What makes your story different? Get the plot in here. A query isn't the place to tease. We have no idea who Delle is, what she wants, and whats preventing her from getting that - in other words, the main character and the plot.
Also, you make no mention of genre or word count, which is pivotal to a query. Check out examples of successful queries at Writer's Digest.