The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

SIGHT UNSEEN, my 87,000 word YA Fantasy novel, will appeal to readers of V.E. Schwab and Brigid Kemmerer. It is the character-driven portal quest of Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow married to the world-building, poetic adventure of Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik. I tell everyone to start with a hook, not their data. Everyone who is querying has a title, word, count, genre, and comp titles. Start strong with what only your have - the hook for your book!

In SIGHT UNSEEN, Maya Delporte is an 18-year-old California teenager who can practically taste her independence as a college student and marine biology intern when an accident rips away her sight and future, forcing her to navigate a new path as a blind teenager. This is a long and unnecessarily complicated intro - get her new blindness front and center. Your word count is already pretty high, and you can trim this down quite a bit. When college-bound senior Maya Delporte suddenly loses her vision... etc

Doctors give Maya a BrainPort device to train her to see without her eyes using different pathways to the brain by shocking the tongue with electrodes. This is probably abit too much explanation of the device. For one thing, I don't understand at all how the tongue could help you see, and the query isn't the place to illustrate it. While using the device, she accidentally opens a portal What does this mean, really? Can she go there physically, mentally, or only visually? to a magical realm with five half-human, half-oceanic clans whose kingdom and environment are in peril. The king was murdered and his killer, Drezden, fled, but plots to attack the throne and gains strength by sapping Rhine’s ancient forest magic into his tentacles. The forest and its mighty trade resources are dying, and Prince Ari and his guard need Maya’s scientific skills to save their environment and her immunity to the strange curse befalling Rhine’s clans. Again, way too much detail for a query. ...a magical realm with a murdered king, political unrest, and an assasin who plans to use... Maya can help by...

They have something no one else can offer her—in Rhine, she gets her sight back. In California, she’s blind again. On Earth, Maya is powerless and reminded of it every time she bangs her head on an open cabinet door and fails her Braille tests. In Rhine, she’s useful and essential to save their environment; it’s a relief to fight for something greater than herself where she can see straight. Maya must not only straddle youth and adulthood but sight and blindness as she navigates her complicated relationship with her best friend (and maybe boyfriend), Sam. Though she loves Sam, Rhine offers her an escape from the painful rebuilding of her real life, so she runs further into a fantasy world and away from herself, risking her own destruction and ripping herself out of her own life. Again, way too much detail for a query. We're really deep into the query for a boyfriend to suddenly make an appearance. Right now, this reads as only pros for staying in Rhine. What are the cons? Beyond Sam?

Drezden is gaining ground in his quest to take the throne, and Maya must stop him before he enslaves the clans of Rhine, who she’s grown to love. Drezden won’t stop at Rhine. If he succeeds, he plans to take over the human world and use Maya as his weapon. The stakes just changed. We were worried about Rhine and Maya having to make a decision about which place to stay in, but now the two are overlapping and what's at risk changed entirely - now Maya can be a weapon in her own world. It muddies the plot quite a bit.

I studied at the University of Iowa undergraduate writers’ workshop under Carmen Maria Machado and Ayana Mathis. I work in tech marketing and am excited to offer eight years of marketing experience to help launch and sell my book. I have been published in trade marketing magazines and won a Nine Dot Arts writing contest. This is my debut novel. Really, really good bio! Everything here is great. Just get this trimmed up with only the essentials for a query!

My Neighbor Is A Serial Killer

by Leanne Kale Sparks

Let me start this story by saying I live next door to the nicest couple. The wife and I have great conversations. The husband is very calm, soft-spoken, and all-around nice guy. They have four adorable little girls, God bless them. I raised three girls and count my blessings that I still have hair on my head and (so far) avoided a psych ward. Anyway, my office is upstairs in our house and has a balcony. When I sit out there, I can see into my neighbor’s backyard. There is a swing set, a trampoline, and various toys strewn about. There is also a rather large shed.

Now, my neighbor was spending a great deal of time in the shed—so much that I took note of the long days and nights he was in there. He always closed the door upon entering, and the girls were not allowed inside. Once I witnessed one of the girls trying to open the door only to be told—rather sternly—that she could not enter.

It was odd. Disconcerting, even.

The calm, even-keeled man actually raised his voice loud enough for me to hear as I sat on my balcony. To say that piqued my interest is an understatement. I am, after all, a crime thriller writer and pseudo-expert of murderers. There is not a crime show—foreign or domestic—that I have not watched. I do copious amounts of research on the subject. Attend conferences where my fellow crime writers and I learn how to properly excavate buried bodies, various types of gunshot wounds and what they do to a body. How to properly breach a dwelling.

I know a thing or two about murder. And kidnappers.

So, of course, I was able to determine my neighbor was a serial killer. My powers of observation have never failed me (that I know of) so there was really no doubt about it. Shite was about to get real. My life as a fiction writer was about to transition to true crime novelist.

When I told the above story to my fellow crime writer friends, we all agreed my neighbor was up to something heinous in his shed. Right under the nose of his wife and little girls. Most of my closest writer compadres, as well as readers of crime fiction and true crime novels are women. We tend to soak up a great mystery, and the more ghastly the crime scene, disturbing the killer, and twisty the plot, the more eager we are to roll up our sleeves, get in the muck, and discover whodunnit.

But why is that? Why are so many women drawn to serial killer thrillers, murder mysteries, and crime, in general? Well, I’m no expert, but I have actually thought about this and come up with a couple of answers.

First and foremost, women are problem-solvers. Give us a problem, and we will work out a solution. Getting a lipstick stain off a collar, tracking our teenager’s social media without them knowing. Determining if the neighbor is a serial killer. No matter the problem, we are game to find a solution. Spread out all the puzzle pieces and see how they fit together. The more impossible the mystery is to solve, the more we dive into the deep end of the evidence pool searching out plausible—and perhaps implausible--explanations.

Second—well, let’s face it, most violence seems to be directed at women. Sit down and watch a day of Discover ID or a few episodes of Dateline, and nearly every single episode is about some sort of violence against women. Stalker, jilted lover, husband wanting out of the marriage without paying child support, or a serial killer. They kidnap, rape, torture, and/or murder women. There is a kinship there.

We’ve all felt the hairs on the back of our necks stand on end when we feel someone looking at us. Watching. And we are never quite sure if it is a warning of something dangerous on the horizon. Or the fear of walking alone at night, always wondering when someone will jump out of the bushes, run up behind, or come around a corner and catch us off guard. Our imaginations can probably conjure the worst possible outcomes—assaulted, violated, shot, or stabbed and left for dead.

We have compassion for the victims. We feel their pain because—by the grace of God—we are not them. We want to solve these crimes along with the investigators, anxious for the families to find even a modicum of justice for their lost loved ones. We cheer for victims upon hearing their stories of survival. We are empathetic. Sympathetic.

And we take notes.

We learn from the mistakes of others: Trust that gut instinct. Be rude to the guy who wants to give you a ride home giving you the creeps. Say no. Say it again. Keep saying it as loud as you can. Fight back with everything you have. Never feel like you are just being paranoid. Call your dad to pick you up from the party you were forbidden to go to even though you have been drinking. Your life is precious. And it may depend on how you react in situations where there is a threat. Teach your daughters to do the same.

I love to write murder mysteries. I research. I conjure what I believe to be the unimaginable. And I want to believe that is true.

But there are some sick people out there doing abominable things to others.

So, back to my neighbor the serial killer. I was on the balcony again yesterday, watching the children play in the back yard when the father came out of the shed. He called for his wife and rounded up the four girls. When the door swung open, I could see inside. Fairy lights glowed. There was a small table with pint-sized chairs, a plastic tea set as a centerpiece. Each girl picked out their spot and laughter soon filled the late afternoon air.

Turns out my serial killer was simply an awesome dad who sacrificed part of his work shed to give his daughters’ a playhouse.

But—I’m still going to keep my eye on him.

After a short career in law, Leanne Kale Sparks is returning to her first love—writing about murder, mayhem, and crime. Currently, she is an author with Crooked Lane Books and is working on a new series featuring an FBI agent hunting down her best friend’s murderer. The backdrop is the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, the playground of her youth, and the place that will always be home. She currently resides in Texas with her husband and German Shepherd, Zoe.