The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Six clans are threatening to tear apart. This doesn't work well, in terms of a hook. It doesn't mean anything to me, emotionally. If I said - six people are about to get into a fight - you wouldn't really care a whole lot, b/c you don't know those six people and don't have any connection to them. I also don't know what is being threatened here - a union? each other? And I don't really know why it matters, or what is it stake. The words below will fill me on in that, for sure, but I think you need a better hook.

Saoirse Cavanaugh, heir to the throne of Aineoi, only wants to be blessed with light on her sixteenth birthday. Doesn't really matter to me, b/c I don't know what that means But when she instead finds herself bequeathed with shadows – and therefore unable to claim her inheritance – she flees, terrified of her newfound darkness, leaving her younger sister, Eabha, behind. What does it mean that she was given light instead of darkness? It's an interesting concept, but the worldbuilding isn't present, so I don't know how significant it is, or what it really means.

Despite it being Saoirse’s sixteenth birthday, fifteen-year-old Eabha finds herself bestowed with light, an opposition to her sister’s darkness. Who is bestowing this? Gods? Magic? What does it signify Struggling with her unanticipated power and the burden of what was once Saoirse’s inheritance, she desperately searches for her sister, not physically, I assume? Through what means? all while fighting the encroachment of Dubhian – a rival clan – upon Aineoi, and attempting to battle the growing bond between her and Torin, heir to Dubhian’s throne.

When Saoirse stumbles upon a group of patriots desperate to raise a fallen clan, what does that mean? she realizes that aiding them in their quest to find their lost patron goddesses would perhaps rescind her darkness and bless her with light, and therefore return her to her rightful place as Aineoi’s heir. But fighting against her shadows what does that look like? only allows them to grow claws and teeth and strength to defeat her, and soon the former crown lady odd phrasing here? is trapped in a war against herself.

As both sisters drive towards their seemingly impossible goals, they realize that something far more sinister is simmering beneath the surface of the clans. Secrets have lay forgotten for far too long, and if the sisters don’t uncover answers soon, they risk far more than their inheritance. A new darkness is rising, and this time, light is not enough to stop it. Love this last line, but I think we need more of an idea of what that overall threat is. My advice is to shear down the individual sister's storyline paragraphs, and give more room to the overarching story of this darkness that is rising

SISTERS OF THE NIGHT, an 86,000-word YA fantasy novel inspired by medieval Ireland, will appeal to fans of The Queen’s Rising by Rebecca Ross and Sky In The Deep by Adrienne Young. [personalize letter to agent here]

I live in the South amid the incessant heat, spending my time trying to cram more books into my overflowing shelf while shooing away a spunky dog who loves to pester me while I’m writing. This is my first novel. Bios are tough when you don't have writing credits. I personally think anything cutesy isn't valuable. I know that you have a very Irish name - instead of sharing little personal details that aren't relevant, go for an interest and knowledge of Irish legend and folklore, your own ancestry, etc.

Overall, the writing here is good, but you're relying on the reader having some knowledge of world building that they just don't have - what does it mean to be gifted with light or darkness? Who is gifting this? You use six clans in the hook, but I don't think six are mentioned in the query. I don't know what they are tearing apart, or why it matters. There's too much attention paid to the individual storylines without really showing how they will intersect and come together to culminate in this overall plot - which I really don't have a grasp on at all.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m seeking representation for my Young Adult, Martial Arts version of Science Fiction Trilogy, THE COSMOS WITHIN. I tell pretty much everyone to open with your hook, nothing else. The agent assumes you are seeking representation - they just opened a query letter. Evreryone else also has a title and a genre. Open with something only you have - the hook for your book.

PART ONE: AN EVOLUTIONARY BREAKTHROUGH introduces a phenomenon that redefines our understanding of how the universe works, and the power the mind holds. Opening with the words "part one" implies that this will be a series. YA is a tough world to try to get into, and querying a series isn't the best way to put your foot in the door. If there's any way to make this a standalone with series potential, that's the way you want to go. Also, the way this is being introduced, it's not clear if you're talking about Cosmos as if it is something at work within the real world, or the fictional world you've created. If the reader goes on, it becomes clear. But the truth is they might not go on. Cosmos, given rise by the iconoclastic Leo Cosmos, is the use of thought and intuition to energetically connect with universal intelligence. Properly conceptualized, this awareness enables the user to manipulate their body’s capabilities, sense perception, or a compatible external medium. Okay, but what does this actually mean? It's clear there's a big idea here, and a good vocabulary, but you aren't looking to impress an agent with your personal intelligence right now (that can come in the bio). You need to get their attention with the concept of your book, and right now we're talking about abstracts, and the first character name mentioned doesn't sound like a teenager. Since its discovery, it’s changed how people think, work, and compete. How? I don't actually understand what benefits it brings to the user, by your description above. With its prevalence in sports, a new sport was created where the participant’s use of Cosmos is directly challenged through one-on-one combat.

Erijah Egnight. A cold, headstrong Cosmos athlete, thanks to his coach’s/gay aunt’s recommendation letter to the World Cosmos Association, qualified for the Youth Cosmos Tournament in a Los Angeles arena. This is a super convoluted sentence. And unless the aunt's sexuality plays a role in the plot, mentioning it within the query feels like a word-drop point for inclusion. His intent to win this competition, and eventually, the World Cosmos Championship, stems from a self-redeeming obsession. Following the death of gym mate, he questions his worthiness to use Cosmos, and fears causing another accident. He believes becoming the best Cosmos athlete in the world will leave him no doubt, he is in complete control of Cosmos, and his life. Good motivation and interesting character, but since we don't really understand what Cosmos is / does, it's just somewhat confusing. How did the teammate die? What happened?

After losing the final match of the grueling competition, a girl Erijah’s age approached You don't want to be writing in past tense in a query, in general. It's also not in keeping with the above para him in the arena’s dark hallway whom, to his shock, is the granddaughter of Leo Cosmos. On Leo’s behalf, she suggests he move to LA to learn more about Cosmos under his tutelage. Does this girl have a name? Or is her only interesting point that she is the granddaughter of a male? He stubbornly declines. Why? Minutes later, the well-spoken WCA president Con Vibrato, impressed with his performance, made a similar offer he couldn’t refuse. A sponsorship to attend the school with the best Cosmos team, Leonardo Cosmos Secondary in Los Angeles Too many characters being introduced here that I don't think are actually vital to the plot. Also, it's reading much more like a synopsis than a query, at this point.

In pursuit of Leo’s invaluable knowledge, Then why in the world would he reject the first offer? he moves to LA where meets a diverse group of classmates, each with their own love/hate relationship with Cosmos. Including a girl with a wheelchair and a pair of adopted brothers. Not a full sentence Will they help each other fully grasp this concept, and realize their improbable ambitions? Or will their limiting beliefs keep them blind to the universe’s unparalleled brilliance? Little do they know, Con has a more ‘chaotic’ agenda for them, and knows far more about Cosmos than he should.

Right now there's more concept than plot in here, which isn't good for a query. You don't want to tease a query, and don't want to be vague. I don't know what Erijah wants (if he's in pursuit of Leo's knowledge, why reject the granddaughter?), or what stands in his way of getting it. I don't know what Con's motivation is, or what the chaotic agenda is. In other words, I don't have any idea what the plot might be.

As a Law of Attraction enthusiast, I believe we have more control over the universe than most realize, and can manifest almost anything we want into reality. I don't think that's necessarily an important part of your bio. If the L of A is a basis for Cosmos, use that as a way to describe what it is and how it works within the query. This mindset, along with my time as a highly competitive youth athlete, is my inspiration for this story. As a Metis Canadian with ADHD, I recognize the importance of diversity, and make a point to respectfully express a variety, and commonality, of character backgrounds, motives, challenges and triumphs. This is definitely a positive thing, but those characters aren't getting much room within the query, which undermines your point. I'd keep it to simply stating that you feature a diverse cast. I also love anime, and dream of my stories being showcased through that medium. Unless you are specificlly querying someone in that respect, for that medium, I wouldn't mention it. It would be like querying a novel and stating how much you'd like to see it made into a movie -- that's not the purpose, or the job, of a literary agent, and you're stating excitement outside of the medium that you're asking someone else to invest in.

Major point... you don't have a word count in here. That's a must inside of a query

Jamie Beck Reflects On Publishing Then And Now

It’s time for a new interview series… like NOW. No really, actually it’s called NOW (Newly Omniscient Authors). This blog has been publishing since 2011, and some of the earlier posts feel too hopeful dated. To honor the relaunch of the site, I thought I’d invite some of my past guests to read and ruminate on their answers to questions from oh-so-long-ago to see what’s changed between then and now.

Today’s guest for the NOW is Jamie Beck, author of The Beauty of Rain which releases today

Has how you think (and talk) about writing and publishing changed, further into your career?

Undoubtedly, yes, on multiple fronts because so much has changed during the past decade. For example, when I was querying my very first manuscript, Borders Bookstores had not yet shuttered its doors. Similarly, self-publishing still carried a stigma, and Amazon was not yet the juggernaut it is today (either as a publisher or book distributor). Back then, I felt extremely blessed to land my agent and a traditional publishing contract. Now, most of the authors I know are indie or hybrid. This means more choices for readers, but it’s also created visibility problems for most authors, too. In terms of writing, my idea of what makes a good book has also changed. I used to believe there were absolute rules to follow about character, conflict, pacing, etc. I spent thousands of hours and dollars focused on improving those craft elements only to butt up against the subjectivity of story resonance. Case in point, a quick scan of my work’s Goodreads ratings proves that what I consider my best books are not my readers’ favorites. This realization can be paralyzing or freeing, depending on my mood, but I’m resigned to the utter subjectivity of this industry in a way I was not back then.

Let’s talk about the balance between the creative versus the business side of the industry. Do you think of yourself as an artiste or are you analyzing every aspect of your story for marketability? Has that changed from your early perspective?

I’ve never considered myself an artiste despite working diligently to make each book better than the last. I do consider the commercial viability of an idea—it’s necessary if I hope to remain traditionally published. However, what hasn’t changed is that I still create stories around themes and issues I think are culturally important. They’ve always been at the heart of my books and probably will be for as long as I continue to write. 

The bloom is off the rose… what’s faded for you, this far out from debut?

As an introvert, I’ve always struggled with social media, but when Facebook was the only real gig in town (again, going back a decade), I managed that well and enjoyed meeting my readers and talking about books. Now there are so many platforms, I struggle to keep up. I also think readers are inundated. How many reader groups, newsletters, and booktokers can anyone follow before it becomes a blur of noise? Accordingly, it’s gotten harder to make new connections with readers online. 

Likewise, is there anything you’ve grown to love (or at least accept) that you never thought you would?

The editing process. In the beginning, it was difficult not to view editorial feedback as though I’d “gotten it wrong,” or as confirmation that I didn’t know what I was doing. With time, I’ve come to understand that a good editor isn’t “fixing” things so much as helping bring the author’s vision more fully to the page by pointing out what isn’t there and by asking important questions that force the author to think more deeply about the characters and themes.

And lastly, what did getting published mean for you and how was it changed (or not changed!) your life?

It changed my life in every conceivable way. I never dreamed my writing would go where it went, or that my career would be as rich and full as it has become. Sure, I’m proud of my track record in terms of quality and book sales, but the two things I treasure most from my writing journey are the amazing friends I’ve made (so many talented, creative, smart authors) and the personal notes I get from readers who connect at a deep level with a particular book. I hope, too, that my kids have learned something about tenacity from how I refused to allow the many rejection letters I received make me quit (it took me three manuscripts to get an agent).

Jamie Beck is a Wall Street Journal and USA Today bestselling and award-winning author of 18 novels, many of which have been translated into multiple languages and have collectively sold more than three million copies worldwide. Critics at Kirkus, Publishers Weekly, and Booklist have respectively called her work “smart,” “uplifting,” and “entertaining.” She is also a two-time Booksellers’ Best Award finalist, a National Readers' Choice Award winner, and STAR award finalist. In addition to writing novels, she enjoys dancing around the kitchen while cooking, and hitting the slopes in Vermont and Utah. Above all, she is a grateful wife and mother to a very patient, supportive family.