The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

After Claire catches real feelings for a dating app match that dupes her, she swears off romance to focus on her fitness brand. The ordeal ends with shots fired on both sides—including cheap ones Claire dearly wishes she could take back. Shots at who? The guy from the app? Is this public? Is it hurting her brand? Or is this just a personal issue? Channeling her heartbreak into bulking up her start-up, Claire empowers women on their health journeys for years—until the official launch of her business implodes, and only one IT genius can save the day. So did this dating mishap occur years in the past, and the business launch is a current event?

When IT freelancer Will meets his new client, he isn’t surprised Claire doesn’t recognize him from their dating app encounter. He’s turned his health around, using his newfound passion for activity to climb out of his rut. This info makes me feel like we need to know more about what exactly went wrong with their date / meeting The impetus for his transformation was to take control of his future, especially when his past is a place he’d rather escape. The unexpected reunion with Claire enables him to rewrite a painful piece of that history, and maybe, have a second chance with the girl he’s never been able to forget. Yep, I definitely think we need to know what went wrong.

After striking a deal to bring her start-up to life, Claire and Will find a mutual passion for wellness and sexual magnetism so heavy they can benchpress it. But every moment they're together brings her closer to recognizing Will as the man who deceived her; a revelation that will shatter their connection and tank her career. Although Will wants to believe Claire can love him for who he truly is, the acceptance he needs most starts with loving himself. If Claire can’t curb the reckless ambition that’s burned every bridge in her life, she’ll lose the only ally who can save her business and her heart. I feel like Claire wasn't cast in this light until now. It was reading like Will made a mistake and doesn't want to be found out, not that Claire also had a character flaw that could tank the relationship. This reads well, but we need to know what went wrong years ago, and Claire's foibles need to be clear as well.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for “March of Souls,” a 105,000-word urban horror fantasy whose parents are the films Terminator 2 and Nicholas Kazan’s Fallen and whose siblings are the novels The Dark Tower, by Stephen King, and Ninth House, by Leigh Bardugo. I always tell people not to open by stating that you are seeking rep (that's obvious), or with your title, word count, and comp titles. Everyone has those. Start with the one thing you have that no one else does - the hook for your own book. Your word count is high, as well. You'll need to get this under 100k.

Crowfoot, a counselor in an adolescent psychiatric ward for boys in Detroit, can sometimes see and hear, in her own head, the hallucinations of her patients. Interesting - slightly awkward phrasing that I would try to condense for clarity With her children off to college, her formidable maternal instincts getare channeled into the boys in the psych ward, particularly Dennis, a homeless thirteen with whom she has a history, What does this mean? Unfortunately it can be read in a negative light a very strong bond, and secret plans to become his foster mother. When Tucker, a new patient on the ward, claims that a soul-eating demon from a parallel world named “March” You don't need quotes around that is trying to kill him, Crowfoot shares his visions and realizes that they’re real. March is killing and possessing victims at a homeless shelter and hunting Tucker.Why? What's special about Tucker? When Dennis hears that his mother is at the shelter, he escapes from the ward to go save her and crosses paths with March. Crowfoot sees it all through Tucker’s eyes, and now, she must protect Tucker and save Dennis. But what does that mean? I don't know what the plot is here - what does Crowfoot want, what is stopping her from getting it, and how will she overcome the obstacles? Those are basic plot points that a query needs to hit. Right now this is just reading as setup, not illustrating the plot points.

I’m an American writer, playwright, ESL teacher, editor, and copywriter with a BA in English. If you've got any publishing credits, those need to be stated here.

I’ve spent forty years working professionally with children and adolescents, twelve of those as a counselor and supervisor in psychiatric facilities treating severely emotionally disturbed children and adolescents. I believe this brings an authenticity to my story. Definitely! But you don't need to state that - it's implied.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Anne lives on a remote and dilapidated island in the Mediterranean Sea, and she wants out. My immediate question is why? Her age becomes clear in the next sentence, but I'd move the fact that she's a teen into the hook The moment she turns eighteen, Anne plans on buying a one-way ticket to Corsica, leaving her oppressive life what makes it oppressive? Lack of options? Or something less benign? behind, and pursuing her dream career as a journalist. But when all two thousand of the island’s residents begin undergoing gruesome and terrifying changes, Anne is forced to reconsider her plans. What are the changes? Are they turning into chickens? Or are they bleeding out of their eyeballs? Why would this make her reconsider her plans? Wouldn't that be more of a reason to leave?

Surviving the apocalypse proves to be quite difficult, especially when each islander has devolved into a grotesque embodiment of their greatest fear. I like this! Say so in the previous para. Also - why is Anne not affected? With no way to contact the outside world, Why not? Anne assumes that she’s the only human left. That is, until she runs into a group of four survivors. Despite her inhibitions, like what? Anne decides to join the group, and she even befriends Vider Gris, a mysterious young man who always wears a leather glove on his left arm. Hand, or arm? Anne has finally found something worth staying on the island for—a friend. Earlier it sounded like her reasons for leaving were career and opportunity driven, not out of loneliness.

But as Anne’s friendship with Vider grows, so does her suspicion of the group’s leader, Ralin. Even in the midst of an apocalypse, all Ralin wants is control over Vider—and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Why is Vider so important?The way this is written makes it sound like Ralin was desirous of this control even pre-apocalypse Anne only realizes the gravity of her situation when she discovers what Vider has been hiding under his glove. If she doesn’t do something about Ralin, she’ll lose her first and only friend, and the apocalypse will be the least of her concerns. I'm torn here b/c typically you don't want to tease in a query, but I can see why you'd want to keep the glove reveal under wraps. But it also seems like the answer to that is way worse than an actual apocalypse needs to be shared in order to convey the plot. I'd say you need to share what's under the glove so that it's clear what's at stake.

THE ISLAND OF TWO THOUSAND FEARS is a supernatural horror novel that would appeal to fans of BIRD BOX with its apocalyptic elements and strong female protagonist and THE FISHERMAN by John Langan with its emotional and character-centered plot. The manuscript is complete at one hundred thousand words. This is long for a YA, I'd try to get this pared down to 90k

I have experience marketing creative content as I once owned a YouTube channel with over three hundred thousand subscribers. I drew inspiration for the unique setting of THE ISLAND OF TWO THOUSAND FEARS from my personal history and culture, as my family is French, living predominantly in Brittany, Paris, and Corsica. Good bio - you make it clear that you will be a boon in the marketing arena, and that you're qualified to write about this setting. If it's still in existence, I'd say what the YouTube channel is, and if the content of it was relative to this book at all, I would say that as well.