Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am thrilled to present “I am Online,” my debut novel that chronicles the unexpected rise of Sebas, an eighteen-year-old who inadvertently becomes an erotic webcam sensation. This narrative explores his journey of self-discovery, the complexities of human relationships, and the dichotomy between virtual fame and real-world anonymity. Not bad. Normally I tell people to start with their hook, but this is a good summation para, and I think it can stand.
Thirty-eight euros in his pocket, all his life savings, are you saying the euros are all his life savings, or he has that in addition to? It could be read either way. I would suggest cutting the phrase all his life savings and changing the following everything to all was everything Sebas had on him when he stepped out of the last night train at Barcelona’s central station. Probably Sebas should have planned his home runaway better. I don't think the phrase home runaway makes sense But he didn’t. He just could not stand his oppressive home life anymore. Why was it oppressive, what is he escaping? The city, poised to swallow him whole, instead becomes the backdrop for his meteoric rise in the adult industry. As the number of his webcam followers grows into the thousands, Sebas grapples with the stark contrast between his online celebrity and his offline struggles. What does this mean? You said as much in the intro paragraph, but this is a vague statement that covers the theme, but not the plot “I am Online” weaves through genres, I would definitely find a genre to allocate this to. Saying it weaves through genres isn't the best move one could say this novel is for “Fifty shades of Grey” what “Pose” is to “Sex and the City”: a kinky story narrated by those whose kinkiness is not mainstream or often understood. But by being designated as a kink at all, isn't it inferred that it's not mainstream? And what is the kink? An agent is going to want to know what the webcam is for, specifically, and what Sebas is doing It is the antithesis of “Heartstopper,” away from gay-mimicking-straight relationships in a sugar-coated plot,This is reading as criticsm of other books / authors, which you definitely don't want to do within a query I don’t hold back: Don't refer to yourself within the query Sebas goes through a lot like what? You should be talking about the plot, not using vague language and he gets to see the cruelty of human nature and how relationships are often driven by desire and selfishness rather than by love and feelings. Set in the year 2014, this tale also serves as a modern coming-out story, far away from those early-00 cheesy stories, Again, knocking other books / authors won't win you any points this one reflects a contemporary time when the lines between hetero and homo are more blurred than ever. My own experiences as an LGBTQ individual growing up in Barcelona and living across the globe have deeply influenced this work, infusing it with authenticity and a unique perspective. So far, only few friends have read “I am Online”. Feedback is diverse: “the world is a very f*** up place”, “I am ashamed to admit I wish I had been Sebas” or “this story will make readers disgusted and horny at the same time”. But maybe the best one was “it’s hilarious, it reads itself”. Feedback from friends isn't worth mentioning in a query. Also you reference earlier that you don't hold back, but then you censor the work fucked in the query? I have chosen to query you because your reputation for championing bold, boundary-pushing literature aligns perfectly with the essence of “I am Online.” I believe this novel not only entertains but also opens a dialogue about the evolving landscape of sexuality and identity.
So I'm left going... and what's it about? A query needs to convey these things - what does the main character want? What is stopping them from getting it? How will they overcome the obstacles? This doesn't do any of that - it just says it's about kink and webcams, and the complexity of human relationships (without mentioning any other characters in the story at all). Just saying your MC goes through a lot isn't going to cut it. Everyone's MC goes through a lot - that's a narrative. You need to be much more specific about the plot, get rid of the vague qualities. Don't bash other books / writers, and remove commentary from friends.