Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Three feet-panic, four feet- quiet, five feet- darkness. I like this opening!
After surviving a near-drowning accident as a young child, sixteen-year-old Jess Wexler (ironically) now views the swimming pool as her refuge—a place to escape life’s chaos. What kind of chaos? What's going on that she's trying to escape, and is her relationship with the water healthy or unhealthy? When her mother, Aliza, a recovering alcoholic, tragically dies in a car accident, Jess is forced to leave her entire life behind, including her best friend, Kate, you don't need to name her b/c she's not mentioned again in the query and move to West Virginia with her grandmother, whom she barely knows. Struggling to adjust to her new life, Jess discovers her mother’s old diary. The more Jess learns, the more she questions what she thought she knew about her mom. Like what? How does the diary and a changing understanding of her mother tie into the plot?
As Jess settles into her new life, she meets Tyler, a senior who gives her the attention she craves. However, when Tyler’s affection turns abusive, Jess has to rely on her former rival, Chloe, and her grandmother, who is facing her own challenges. Why would she have to rely on Chloe? What are her grandmother's challenges?
Being a secondary English teacher for more than a decade has provided me with invaluable insight into the daily lives of teenagers and how they navigate the turbulent waters of high school. I would love an opportunity to work with you to bring Deep Dive to a broader audience. Good bio.
Deep Dive, a 68,000 word manuscript, is told in alternating perspectives between Jess and Aliza and blends prose with poetry, creating a unique reading experience. Themes including the ripple effects of addiction, the weight of grief, and the power of resilience But those themes aren't in the query itself. You're telling the agent that, but not showing them make this book perfect for fans of The Glass Girl by Kathleen Glasgow and The Words We Keep by Erin Stewart. Will Jess sink or swim when her race becomes too much to finish? I wouldn't end with a question.
Right now this is reading more like a summary than a query. The query needs to convey 1) what does the MC want? 2) what stands in the way of them getting it? 3) What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? 4) What's at stake if they fail? The plot feels like it actually starts with her relocation and problematic relationship, and everything else is backstory. There are a lot of disparate elements here -- trauma, drowning, addiction, abuse -- but I don't know how they tie together, or how these characters come together to create a plot.