Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Joseph Abramovich, born to opulence, wakes in a county jail cell. His life is shattered by reckless choices and the body of his secretary, left bleeding on the cabin floor. This is confusing becuase he wakes in a cell but the way the sentence is written it sounds like the secretary's body is right there, but it can't be Across from him sits a stranger gleaming with unnatural light who stops time at 3:00 a.m. From a bottomless flask, he pours a drink that drags Joseph not only into his own buried past but into a night-long tribunal of his lineage. With each revelation, Joseph’s illusions are stripped away and he is drawn closer to judgment. By dawn, will one last chance at redemption await, or will he face stern judgment? This is way too vague. It's a very broad brush that isn't conveying much of a plot
Told across three generations, Shlimazel, A Blessed Man is a 100,000-word historical-literary novel infused with magical realism and Jewish mysticism. From the brutal confines of an early 20th-century orphanage to the gilded halls of mid-century banking, the story weaves a saga of resilience, downfall, and the possibility of redemption. Threading it all is the stranger in the cell, the accuser, who serves as crucible for Joseph’s lineage. At its heart lies a single question: can the sins of one man be tempered by the blessings given to his ancestors? This is still really vague. It's not bad by any means, and certainly sounds like more of a literary novel, but I think more plot is necessary rather than big, sweeping statements
Readers of Dara Horn and John Steinbeck may appreciate the novel’s blend of intimate character study, historical sweep, and moral inquiry. Comparing yourself to John Steinbeck is probably going to raise an eyebrow
The manuscript is undergoing final line edits and will be complete by mid-November. Definitely don't say this. You need to have everything in the best possible shape before you even begin to consider querying.
I am a software developer with a PhD in Mathematics from the University of California, Berkeley. Throughout my career, I have published research and patented algorithms in computational geometry.
You definitely sound like a smart person! A query needs to answer these things - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of them getting it? What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? and what's at risk if they fail? Right now those points aren't terribly clear.