Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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Tymeria, a kingdom ruled by ignorance and fear. Not a bad hook, but I think you've got a better one in you!
At first glance, Tymeria’s a kingdom of beautiful wineries, fair maidens, and noble knights. But beneath its beautiful word echo here with "beautiful" vineyards is a prison. A prison for the nonhuman races and any human who dares to help them. In Tymeria, the only good elf is a dead elf. This line could almost be your hook! Good world building so far. You've established this is high fantasy, and that something smells in Denmark.
There was a time when nonhumans and peasants had a beacon of hope, the knights in the night: the Knightmares. But eighteen-year-old Jevan knows his comrades aren’t the same free-fighting vigilantes of old. The crusade died; its crusaders reduced to sellswords. It’s not a desirable life – assassinations, theft, a bit of butchery, bodyguard service – but they need to eat. Great so far!
When Jevan accepts a request from a wealthy family to rescue their daughter, he assumes it’s just another job. At first, all goes well. However, the kidnappers they just killed weren’t mercenaries, but members of Tymeria’s religious military organization: the Paladins. And the damsel-in-distress is really part of a rare nonhuman race with the ability to transform into a deadly humanoid wolf creature – a wolfborn.
With vengeful Paladins hunting them, and the wolfborn’s presence generating a moral debate that may tear them apart, the fate of the Knightmares hangs perilously in the balance more than ever. Because they know the facts – it was the Paladins who nearly wiped out the Knightmares long ago, and their extinction is now truly imminent.
Told through four alternating viewpoints, KNIGHTMARE is an Adult Fantasy novel of 95,000 words with a unique twist on the werewolf genre that reimagines them entirely, revitalizing them a race of noble beasts rather than cursed monsters.
Right now, have to say that this is looking really good... the only thing that tripped me up is when I get to the last para, and see that there are four viewpoints. This query only tells me about one character. I can assume that the girl-wolf is another POV, but I have no idea who the other two might be.
This is a great query... but it's focused heavily on the world building, not the characters. My advice is to find a way to condense your world building info down to the opening para, then introduce each of your POV's - and their conflict - in quick, concise para for each.
