The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

When Eva runs into an old friend from college, she’s immediately a little envious. I think a stronger hook is in order here. Something that indicates your genre a little more. Think: Money can buy everything... even (whatever). Just a couple of years after graduating, Eva has just been fired from her dead-end job, but her former classmate, Marin now works at a company called Ouroboros. And this is no ordinary corporation; it which enables the super-rich to upload their consciousness to the cloud when they reach old age, and live on forever in a virtual heaven.

Eva doesn't know whether to be amazed—or bitter. Around them, protests are springing up all over the overworked, underpaid city, claiming that eternal life should not only be accessible to the rich. Never mind living forever—it’s hard for most people just to be able to support themselves.

But then Marin introduces her to a colleague, Sebastian. The sophisticated programmer makes Eva feel appreciated for the first time in her life, and she begins to falls for him. They begin dating, and their connection means that Eva, too, may eventually snag a spot in the virtual afterlife.

But as their relationship progresses, things slowly change for the worse. Sebastian's dominant side, which Eva once found so appealing, becomes dangerous. It turns out that underneath Sebastian's charming exterior is a cold and calculating stranger. And when Eva learns what Sebastian has done to Marin, too vague she must make a choice between a relationship that is growing steadily more abusive, and a crumbling society in which she may no longer have a place. I'm not sure if you're talking about virtual heaven or the real world with this reference. But who's to say if Sebastian will even let her leave. Question mark here?

INTO ETERNITY is an 80,000-word work of adult upmarket fiction with a speculative twist. I have published two works with Thought Catalog Books: a book of poems, X, and a novella, Y. I have interned at two literary agencies in New York. Great bio!

The way the query is written makes it sound like the focus of the book is more on the relationship than the virtual afterlife, which is fine, as long as that is true of the manuscript. Also, you are vague about what Sebastian did to Marin... a workplace issue? Or more personal? We don't know, and the query isn't the place to tease. Also, you've got a para dedicated to the public reaction to Ouroborous, but what impact does that have on our narrator, or the story as a whole? You say she doesn't know how she should feel about the project, but not if that dribbles over into friction between her and Marin, or her and Sebastian. Tie that thought into the query to illustrate what the impact is on the actual narrative. There's quite a bit of extra verbiage here, so you can see where I trimmed things down with strikethrough to give you more room to elaborate on elements like that.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Tymeria, a kingdom ruled by ignorance and fear. Not a bad hook, but I think you've got a better one in you!

At first glance, Tymeria’s a kingdom of beautiful wineries, fair maidens, and noble knights. But beneath its beautiful word echo here with "beautiful" vineyards is a prison. A prison for the nonhuman races and any human who dares to help them. In Tymeria, the only good elf is a dead elf. This line could almost be your hook! Good world building so far. You've established this is high fantasy, and that something smells in Denmark.

There was a time when nonhumans and peasants had a beacon of hope, the knights in the night: the Knightmares. But eighteen-year-old Jevan knows his comrades aren’t the same free-fighting vigilantes of old. The crusade died; its crusaders reduced to sellswords. It’s not a desirable life – assassinations, theft, a bit of butchery, bodyguard service – but they need to eat. Great so far!

When Jevan accepts a request from a wealthy family to rescue their daughter, he assumes it’s just another job. At first, all goes well. However, the kidnappers they just killed weren’t mercenaries, but members of Tymeria’s religious military organization: the Paladins. And the damsel-in-distress is really part of a rare nonhuman race with the ability to transform into a deadly humanoid wolf creature – a wolfborn.

With vengeful Paladins hunting them, and the wolfborn’s presence generating a moral debate that may tear them apart, the fate of the Knightmares hangs perilously in the balance more than ever. Because they know the facts – it was the Paladins who nearly wiped out the Knightmares long ago, and their extinction is now truly imminent.

Told through four alternating viewpoints, KNIGHTMARE is an Adult Fantasy novel of 95,000 words with a unique twist on the werewolf genre that reimagines them entirely, revitalizing them a race of noble beasts rather than cursed monsters.

Right now, have to say that this is looking really good... the only thing that tripped me up is when I get to the last para, and see that there are four viewpoints. This query only tells me about one character. I can assume that the girl-wolf is another POV, but I have no idea who the other two might be.

This is a great query... but it's focused heavily on the world building, not the characters. My advice is to find a way to condense your world building info down to the opening para, then introduce each of your POV's - and their conflict - in quick, concise para for each.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

The boys of Asotin are dying. Great hook!

The golden boy, the popular boy, the loner boy––one by one, they’re being found dead in the small Washington town. At first, their deaths are ruled accidental: nothing more than >dumb boys doing dumb things. I'd rephrase to something more like *teens doing risky / dangerous things. You've got an array of descriptors for the boys above, but are all they all actually dumb? But as more of them start dying in increasingly violent fashion, it becomes clear there’s nothing accidental about what’s going on in Asotin.

Athena Briggs knows the boys that are dying. You arleady stated it's a small town, so just knowing them isn't that indicative of an actual relatinoship. As Asotin High’s star wide receiver, she’s competed side-by-side with them her whole life. Are all the boys athletes? Even the loner boy? And as the biggest player in school, she knows most of them off the field, too. Biggest player like her size, or player like with relationships / hearts? With the athletic references that come before, it lends context to the word player, so you might want to use a different one. The first time I read it I thought this meant she was a huge hulk.

Lila Perez also knows the boys that are dying.Again, just knowing them might not need to be stated, I'd go into the how of it right away instead. As the smartest girl in the town, she’s tutored most of them at one point or another. And as someone who can’t ever leave a puzzle unsolved, she wants to know why so many of them are dying.

Athena and Lila haven’t ever crossed paths before.In a small town? And apparently they have a class together? But when an English assignment throws them together, they find out that they have more in common than they first thought––including an interest in the recent deaths, and in each other.

With the local police force completely out of their depth, Athena and Lila take it upon themselves to find out the truth behind the boys’ deaths. Soon, they find themselves emerged in the secret, privileged side of Asotin­­––one that’s far more dangerous than either of them bargained for. It’s up to Athena and Lila to bring the killer to justice, even if the lines between right and wrong aren’t so clear anymore.

IS THERE SOMEWHERE is a YA psychological thriller complete at 65,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Kara Thomas, and ONE OF US IS LYING by Karen McManus.

Overall, this is great. You've got an unlikely female crime-fighting duo, great comp titles and a good setup. Tweak some of your wording here and you're good to go!