Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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Māyaspace programmer Kal Jibrān tolerates boring errands in a meaningless job only to keep his best friend Jan in intensive care and away from the hands of the Jumpala corporation. The paraplegic CEO Are Jan and the CEO the same person? Unclear. presses him to rent out the comatose body like a Jumpee I don't kmow what this means but Kal keeps finding excuses. A clue to Jan’s revival exists in a Mahābhārata simulation and playing out every scenario needs time. I don't know what this means, either. You're making a lot of presumptions about known world building elements that an agent picking up this query won't have.
High Priest Yūdi Manu is running for President of Greater India and powerful corporations like Jumpala and Māyastudio support him. The High Priest heads the Manu Foundation, an organisation of monks established to restore equality to all humans in the era of augmented superpowers. Like what? And who has them? How is this connected to Jan and Kal? Cultural unification is the first step and Māyastudio assists by programming a standard Manu version of the Mahābhārata I don't know what this means for the whole of South-East Asia. If Yūdi wins the election, his trained monks could take their pogrom against the mechanically augmented Yakṣas to an extreme, forced lobotomy. I don't know what Yaksas are, or how any of this ties to the first paragraph.
A million rupees might buy Jan a few months but Kal needs to work hard missing "for?" the money. He is even willing to deal Purple I don't know what this means and meets his first customer, a rich heiress and a freelance Jumpee, Crystal Barron. If Jumpees overdose on Purple, they turn into schizophrenic Pretas, destitutes anyone can jump into. Again, lots of world building goes into this sentence, and I don't know what most of these words mean, which makes it incomprehensible. Their only hope is the Yakṣa leader Yāḷi who could whisk them away to Pāṭāla, a secret hospice. Too many character names for a query. Indulging Crystal by jumping into her, Kal is stuck in an unfortunate incident, where a mob of monks lynches a Jumpee and seizes two Yakṣas. He takes the easy way out and enlists as a monk. Why would this be the easy way? Again, so many world building elements need to be assumed in order for this query to make any sense. With his programming skills, he exposes an attempt to rescue the Yakṣas. The reward of a billion rupees for Yāḷi’s capture could be the answer to Kal’s problems.
When the attempt is successful and the Yakṣas escape, Yūdi turns against Kal. The High Priest even coaxes a bounty out of Māyastudio, making Kal the most wanted man in Greater India. With Crystal’s help, he takes refuge in Pāṭāla, but Kal’s heart sinks when he discovers the secret of Yāḷi’s death, a fact hidden from the outside world to keep Preta hopes alive.
An attempt to free Jan goes awry and Kal is trapped inside a paraplegic body. Adding to his woes, Yūdi and his allies locate Pāṭāla and lay siege. The Pretas and the Yakṣas face imminent capture and a life of bonded slavery. In an audacious plan, Kal sacrifices his eyes and limbs to become a Yakṣa. He assumes Yāḷi’s role and hacks into a billion Māyaspaces. Kal ensures that Yūdi becomes the president of Greater India, but contingent on establishing three Jump laws that protect the Pretas.
The last two paragraphs solidify what I suspected - this reads like a synopsis, not a query. You are outlining the story while also not explaining any of your world-building terms, which isn't what a query is supposed to do. You need to boil this down to the imperatives - who is the main character? What do they want? What is the conflict that is preventing them from getting that? Anything else is trimming. Queries should be about 300 words. You're near 450 before I even get to your title, word count, and bio.
2074: MAYA BAZAAR is an adult science fiction novel with series potential. Written in multiple points of view, Snowcrash meets the Mahabharata in a 108,000-word cyberpunk dystopia The word count is bloated. You'll need to get under 100k as a debut that will appeal to the fans of Neal Stephenson, William Gibson and Richard Morgan.
I co-founded India's premier AI consulting firm and teach at the National University of Singapore. Exposure to data science helps me with imagining technologies that could power the world in 2074.
Your bio is good and shows that you know what you are talking about - unfortunately, no one else does. You're clearly qualified to write the book, however b/c of the complete immersion drop into the world, an agent isn't going to understand what's going on in this query, and likely won't read far enough to get to this bio. Think of the query like a movie trailer - you want to intrigue the audience, not summarize the story.
