The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

The first line of a query letter is so important, it sets the tone for everything else, because of that I want to thank you for setting aside any time of your day to read this. I have put a lot of love and effort into it and I made sure that it can appeal to a wide demographic of people from all walks of life. My passion comes from the need to deliver a well-crafted and honed story that will stir up emotions long since forgotten in the masses. I hope you enjoy. I don't suggest starting out this way. You're right - the first line sets the tone. Right now your tone is polite, but also has nothing to do with your story. You're not telling the agent anything they don't already know - that the first line matters, that they set aside time to read queries, that your book is important to you. They already know these things. They read queries looking to find a book that grabs their interest. Do that.

“KINETIC: THE FIRST ALLIANCE” is the first book in a Sci-fi, Young Adult series and is complete at 81,300 words. Its pace and theme will appeal to the readers of such books as Pittacus Lore’s “I AM NUMBER FOUR” and “STEELHEART” by Brandon Sanderson. I know some people suggest opening with your data - title, word count, and comp tites. I've always suggested hitting them with your hook first. Every book has a title and word count. Give them something distinctive to your book as soon as they start reading. Also, do your best to present this as a stand alone with series potential. YA is very crowded right now and SF can be a hard sell for non-established names. Don't ask them to take a chance on a series if you can get your foot in the door with a standalone.

Alex Carter is a pathological fantasist, naïve idealist, and the poster child for histrionic personality disorder, but he would just tell you he’s “misunderstood.” Big words for a hook for a young adult novel. I happen to know what histrionic personaltiy disorder is, but only becuase I dated one. I think it would be best to assume the person reading this query would be better served to have character traits explained rather then send them Googling for the answer... becuase they won't. One night, his life takes a turn for the chaotic when he is confronted by Shyra—a brash, deadly alien from a far off world—who warns of the inevitable invasion by the expanding Zenakuu Empire.

Shyra unlocks a dormant power Alex never knew he had inside him— the latent ability to manipulate electricity. She informs him he must use this power to guard Earth from the same global annihilation her world barely escaped. She tricks Alex into believing the best way to protect his home from eradication is to go with her and fight in the war. So, she tricks him? Is she not a trustowrthy character? Does he know he's been tricked?

They traverse the nation to recruit four more kinetics, each with a different ability, to fight the upcoming interplanetary battle to the death. With Shyra’s guidance, the impromptu team of kinetics have just one year to train their bodies and minds in a remote location in the U.S. in hopes of stopping the Zenakuu from wiping out the human race and claiming Earth as their new home. Nice, it's fun so far. What I don't have is any feeling of who Alex is, and how he feels about this.

When war infiltrates Earth, the fate of humanity lies in the hands of a teenager who is only sure that he’s impossibly unsure, but Alex will either succeed as the hero Earth needs, or sacrifice everything in an effort to save the ones he’s grown to love. So he grows to love his team? Is there a romance here? Is he finding himself with these other kinetics? That's the kind of thing we need here. The plot is pretty straightforward, so give us some more character insight and emotion.

I have been a writer for over ten years now, and have had non-fiction articles featured in magazines such as Steppin' Out and Jersey Beat. I’ve also hosted creative writing seminars at some local bookstores. My other credentials lie in my degree in the physical sciences. I have studied modern physics, and minored in astronomy. “Kinetic” is fiction, but based on easy to follow real science.

Good bio! You've done a good job of showing that you know what you're talking about on the science end, but that you are also a writer at heart.

As I said, get more emotion into this. Maybe tell us about the other three kinetics and the team (briefly). Tell us more about who Alex is without giving us a DSM diagnosis.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Māyaspace programmer Kal Jibrān tolerates boring errands in a meaningless job only to keep his best friend Jan in intensive care and away from the hands of the Jumpala corporation. The paraplegic CEO Are Jan and the CEO the same person? Unclear. presses him to rent out the comatose body like a Jumpee I don't kmow what this means but Kal keeps finding excuses. A clue to Jan’s revival exists in a Mahābhārata simulation and playing out every scenario needs time. I don't know what this means, either. You're making a lot of presumptions about known world building elements that an agent picking up this query won't have.

High Priest Yūdi Manu is running for President of Greater India and powerful corporations like Jumpala and Māyastudio support him. The High Priest heads the Manu Foundation, an organisation of monks established to restore equality to all humans in the era of augmented superpowers. Like what? And who has them? How is this connected to Jan and Kal? Cultural unification is the first step and Māyastudio assists by programming a standard Manu version of the Mahābhārata I don't know what this means for the whole of South-East Asia. If Yūdi wins the election, his trained monks could take their pogrom against the mechanically augmented Yakṣas to an extreme, forced lobotomy. I don't know what Yaksas are, or how any of this ties to the first paragraph.

A million rupees might buy Jan a few months but Kal needs to work hard missing "for?" the money. He is even willing to deal Purple I don't know what this means and meets his first customer, a rich heiress and a freelance Jumpee, Crystal Barron. If Jumpees overdose on Purple, they turn into schizophrenic Pretas, destitutes anyone can jump into. Again, lots of world building goes into this sentence, and I don't know what most of these words mean, which makes it incomprehensible. Their only hope is the Yakṣa leader Yāḷi who could whisk them away to Pāṭāla, a secret hospice. Too many character names for a query. Indulging Crystal by jumping into her, Kal is stuck in an unfortunate incident, where a mob of monks lynches a Jumpee and seizes two Yakṣas. He takes the easy way out and enlists as a monk. Why would this be the easy way? Again, so many world building elements need to be assumed in order for this query to make any sense. With his programming skills, he exposes an attempt to rescue the Yakṣas. The reward of a billion rupees for Yāḷi’s capture could be the answer to Kal’s problems.

When the attempt is successful and the Yakṣas escape, Yūdi turns against Kal. The High Priest even coaxes a bounty out of Māyastudio, making Kal the most wanted man in Greater India. With Crystal’s help, he takes refuge in Pāṭāla, but Kal’s heart sinks when he discovers the secret of Yāḷi’s death, a fact hidden from the outside world to keep Preta hopes alive.

An attempt to free Jan goes awry and Kal is trapped inside a paraplegic body. Adding to his woes, Yūdi and his allies locate Pāṭāla and lay siege. The Pretas and the Yakṣas face imminent capture and a life of bonded slavery. In an audacious plan, Kal sacrifices his eyes and limbs to become a Yakṣa. He assumes Yāḷi’s role and hacks into a billion Māyaspaces. Kal ensures that Yūdi becomes the president of Greater India, but contingent on establishing three Jump laws that protect the Pretas.

The last two paragraphs solidify what I suspected - this reads like a synopsis, not a query. You are outlining the story while also not explaining any of your world-building terms, which isn't what a query is supposed to do. You need to boil this down to the imperatives - who is the main character? What do they want? What is the conflict that is preventing them from getting that? Anything else is trimming. Queries should be about 300 words. You're near 450 before I even get to your title, word count, and bio.

2074: MAYA BAZAAR is an adult science fiction novel with series potential. Written in multiple points of view, Snowcrash meets the Mahabharata in a 108,000-word cyberpunk dystopia The word count is bloated. You'll need to get under 100k as a debut that will appeal to the fans of Neal Stephenson, William Gibson and Richard Morgan.

I co-founded India's premier AI consulting firm and teach at the National University of Singapore. Exposure to data science helps me with imagining technologies that could power the world in 2074.

Your bio is good and shows that you know what you are talking about - unfortunately, no one else does. You're clearly qualified to write the book, however b/c of the complete immersion drop into the world, an agent isn't going to understand what's going on in this query, and likely won't read far enough to get to this bio. Think of the query like a movie trailer - you want to intrigue the audience, not summarize the story.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

William Ross needs a jump start. He’s sleepwalking again but that’s not the worst of it. Just two weeks after he clears a client of child abuse, she murders her son, Latrelle. This is definitely your hook. Not a jump start, not sleepwalking. Blaming himself for the boy’s death, William quits law, and finds work as a party clown. I definitely think we need to know why a party clown. That's a huge leap from what he did in his former life. As he fights to make a living as a kids entertainer, a desire grows to give someone the protection he couldn’t offer Latrelle. How does this manifest? Is it already there in the clown aspect? Or is he searching through other avenues? His girlfriend, Clara, embarking on her own new venture, has not bargained on a beau-turned-clown. The two, along with their friends, Alessia, a performance artist with a heroin past, Nick, a millionaire who can’t sustain relationships, and Felicia, a driven perfectionist, comprise the Second Chance Club. Mediumship, a humpback whale, Sing Sing Prison, and a $1000 baby doll, all figure into William’s attempt to find his way. While this eclectic grouping might help make the book sound quirky, it might also make an agent wonder if it's not grounded enough, or question where this fits in the bookshelves in a store.

Second Chance Club is my debut novel. I was a grumpy criminal lawyer who portrayed my career change in a NY Times essay that generated 465 reader comments: http://ow.ly/fuI030iK7TC Great bio! And very smart to include the link. This will give the agent a chance to read your writing style and hear your voice beyond the query.

The intended market of Second Chance Club is readers who want to find their place in the world. Well, that's incredibly broad, and it further muddies the waters concerning both readership and genre.Complete at _ words, Is it not finished yet? Don't query until you have a full manuscript. it will appeal to fans of The Portable Veblen by Elizabeth McKenzie and The Good Luck of Right Now by Matthew Quick.

Right now I think the biggest problem with this query is that I don't have a good idea what this book is about. You start with sleepwalking (which I don't see how it ties into the larger story), then child murder compounded with guilt, and then list some things that make it sound like a screwball comedy. I don't know what the genre of this book would be, and your stated audience is equally broad. You'll want to write the query in a way that conveys the tone and voice of the book, and as I said, right now it just feels like a grab bag.