The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

In a world where the names of the royals are given by the gods, Arden is the son of a beloved queen with a true name that makes him anything but. I don't think this is a great hook. We don't know what her true name is, or what the implications are. It's also a little convoluted as to what he's "anything but." A royal? A god? I can take a stab and say maybe he's a bastard, but that's after some untangling. I'd go with something more straightforward for your hook, personally.

Following their mother’s death, his brother ascends to the throne and plots to bring the empire under his control.But if he's ascended the throne, isn't it already under his control? Is there some danger to Arden? What is their relationship like? At his side is Isabella, whose family wields a dark power the likes of which Colwraetia has never seen. After a disastrous attempt to help the children conscripted to the king’s army, a servant secrets Arden away to a village with a powerful secret of its own.You've got an echo here with "secret" (word repitition). Also - who made this attempt for the children - the servant, or Arden? It's not clear. There, he befriends a boy with dreams of revolution and a deep mistrust toward the royal family. When an attack destroys the town, he Which he? Arden or the boy? is forced on the run alongside his former friend,They're not friends now? who seems to hate him as much as Arden is drawn to his fire. Hates him because... he's royal? Was that hidden from him at first? How was it revealed to cause the change?

Yet the sanctuary he hoped to find in the east turns out to be a cesspool of scheming while an aging emperor sits upon the throne. As his brother closes in, Arden has to choose between fleeing and losing the city he has grown to love or taking a stand that would risk the lives of the children he swore to protect. A decision that could seal his fate toward the darkness the gods promised. The gods are in the first and last line, but odn't appear to have much real role in the plot. Also - why does he want to help the children so badly? What is at risk for them? If he fights for this new city he's going to war against the conscripted children... right? Again, this needs a lot of clarificaiton. You don't want an agent to have to pick through this and try to put things together. They've got hundreds of queries to get through, and some of them will me more straightforward.

Dewdrop Prince is a YA fantasy complete at 97,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Prince of Thorns and Forest of a Thousand Lanterns.

I am a student and freelance writer from Texas who has a love-hate relationship with her cowboy boots. My works have been recognized by the Geek Partnership Society and the Poetry Matters Project. I look forward to hearing from you.

Good comp titles! Good bio! I think the story here has a good resonance to it, you just need to make the plot points more clear. It's difficult when writing a query because as the author, everything is already obvious to you - so it seems that way on paper. But to fresh eyes, we're just confused and trying to mine the meaning.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

I’m hoping you will consider my 95,000-word YA historical adventure novel, THE VICTORIAN TRAVESTY, which I believe will appeal to fans of Meg Cabot’s PRINCESS DIARIES and Diana Gabaldon’s OUTLANDER. What you have here is great in terms of comp titles and description. However, I usually advise to put this information at the bottom of the query. They know you're querying hoping that they'll represent you. It's an assumed. I personally think it's better to jump in wtih a strong hook.

What if there was a secret kingdom in modern-day that lived as if it was the Victorian era? Rhetorical questions aren't a good start. What if it was ruled by an evil queen, bent on keeping her people in the dark about modernity? What if there was only one girl with the birthright to dethrone the queen, but she was raised in the outside world? You need to strike this entire first para and get these elements Victorian enclave in modern day world, evil ruler, lost royalty, into the query in a different way.

Alair has never had to answer any of these questions until a mysterious uncle arrives and invites her to reunite with her estranged father in Penvellyn Quarter. Hidden deep in the lush Bavarian Alps, Penvellyn Quarter is a small kingdom that chooses to live as if it is in the Victorian era—in fashion, in manners, and in everyday simplicity. Decent, but we know nothing about Alair. Is she nice, mean, cute, ugly, sporty, proper? What's her life like before this happens? Is she bored, or invested in what she already has?

As if that wasn’t mindboggling enough, Alair’s father just so happens to be the king.

Alair’s uncle ushers her through a bustling Victorian town to a magnificent castle to reunite with her father. She arrives just in time to witness the unimaginable: her father is murdered by his wife, Queen Fidelia. His dying words: Dethrone Queen Fidelia. Now the sole ruler, Queen Fidelia is free to implement her evil vision for the kingdom. Right now this is reading more like a synopsis than a query. You're walking us through the setup when what we really need is to know the meat of the story.

Now-Princess Alair is overwhelmed by the dated and often backward mores of Victorian culture. There's no way she can remember the difference between fifteen kinds of spoons or learn the language of flowers. Her royal cousins won’t speak to her, and soldiers study her every move, as if they know just how many secret passageways she’s already found. So she can't go back? Why not?

Reeling from culture shock and grief, Alair is ready to flee for home. It’s only after she makes some friends, realizes the beauty, whimsy, and fun of this strange place, and comes to care about the dire danger it faces under Queen Fidelia that Alair commits to fulfilling her father’s wish—she commits to dethroning Queen Fidelia. Don't use Fidelia's name so much, it's muddying up the query. You also have an echo with "commits."

To do that, she must out Queen Fidelia’s secret that she killed the king. Luckily, the popular and cunning Fidelia has one hamartia not going to lie, I had to Google this. Better to stick with words the agent will know: she’s hidden proof of her crime somewhere in the castle. But why would she do that? It doesn't make sense. Alair just has to find it—before one of Fidelia’s attempts on Alair’s life succeeds.

If she fails to defeat her father’s killer, Alair, her new friends, and all of Penvellyn Quarter will be Queen Fidelia’s next victims.

THE VICTORIAN TRAVESTY is my first novel. I graduated with a BA in English from the University of Georgia, and I currently work as a freelance copywriter and editor. You don't need to state that it's your first novel, but everything else in the bio looks good.

Overall - don't start with the questions, open with something stronger. The idea of a modern girl being uprooted and tossed into Victorian life is a good hook. Don't cripple it with the rhetorical questions. The Uncle seems to disappear after serving his purpose, so does he really need to be in the query?

You infer earlier on that the queen keeps the secret of modern life from her kingdom, and that is part of her evilness. But that is dropped later on when Alair only seems to want to reveal the murder - not usher everyone into the 21st Century. So what's the real goal here? Move the people into the modern life? Or dethrone the queen for murder?

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Carson’s plans to spend the summer inside and alone are dashed against the rocks by a single word—divorce. This is a good hook in that we immediately understand a few different things - Carson's personality (a summer inside and alone?) and what the obstacle is. My only caveat is that we'll need to see what change is occuring within him as a result.

While his parents sort everything out, thirteen-year-old Carson and his little sister are sent to live with their eccentric grandmother in the Florida Keys. Next thing he knows, he’s reluctantly snorkeling with sharks and saving his harebrained sister from being swept out to sea. So here is a good example - how is this different from his normal life of being inside and alone? It clearly IS, but what kind of change is taking place and how does he feel about it?

The mangrove swamp around his grandmother’s house serves as a refuge for juvenile wildlife much like his grandmother’s home is a refuge from Carson’s battling parents. good comparison here, but the sentence itself is a little awkward. You can use "her home" without repeating "grandmother" but find other ways to tigthen this up a bit. Outside the safety of the swamp, an invasive species of starfish is devouring the reef and steadily creeping closer to the one place that was supposed to keep Carson and his sister safe. but the threat isn't to them, is it? It's to the wildlife... maybe link the thoughts by illustrating his growing connection to nature, which can also serve as an opportunity to note his further growth and change.

Like the stars are eating away at the reef, Carson’s doubts what kind of doubts? Is it more like just anxiety or sadness? about his family eat away at him. So he decides to put all of his energy into saving the reef. Which is a good thing, because, in the end, Carson, his sister, and their newfound friends are the only ones capable of saving the mangroves from destruction. Why? It's good to see them at center stage, but what about them is so special that they're the only ones that can do this?

Summer of the Sea and Stars is a contemporary middle-grade novel complete at 42,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Ali Benjamin’s The Thing About Jellyfish and Celia C. Pérez’s Strange Birds. The book utilizes a unique setting and a cast of LGBT, neurodiverse, and BIPOC characters to showcase a myriad of family structures and the urgent effects of climate change. This is great, but I think the friends might need more than just a one line shout out if you want to illustrate the diversity fo the cast. Even one line about meeting new people would be good.

My writing won national awards for young writers from YoungArts and Bluefire in 2019. I have written for both literary and environmental magazines and won the national Kay Snow Prize for Nonfiction. Additionally, my passion for the outdoors and time working for the National Parks and Forest Service makes me uniquely suited to write about an invasive species and how to combat it. Absolutely fantastic bio. You need a few tweaks here and there, but this is looking good!