The Saturday Slash

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Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

En wants a quiet life working on mechanical marvels. The invaders want her to work on their lethal dehydration guns instead. Nice! Good hook. I'm invested.

The known world is a sunken basin, and the sides of that basin are impenetrable clay, referred to as “the Wall”. Mechanic En Etspring’s small desert hometown is nestled safely into the edge of the Wall. Like they are suspeneded there? Might be a little too much description here. What you are saying is that basically they are isolated, which is covered without the added detail of "nestled into the edge of the wall." But this safety proves to be an illusion when a hostile army arrives, and En must cooperate with them to keep her family safe. Townspeople begin to go missing, including En’s love interest Mo, a blacksmith. At the same time, an ambitious and ruthless invader named Javier has begun to take a dangerous interest in En. Soon, the only way to protect herself and her family is to flee her hometown into the lukewarm embrace of a group of rebels. Is it a surprise that these rebels exist? The "known world" felt small by the earlier description. Was her hometown the only known habitation? Why is the embrace lukewarm? Now that En is free, she is ready to be done with making weapons, but the rebels want her to share her new expertise. For En, escaping town isn’t the same thing as escaping the consequences of her decisions - or the jilted Javier’s revenge. So now she is being asked to make weapons again, but to use against the invaders this time? Feels a little anticlimactic. Maybe some inclination of if she feels any difference about who is on the other end of her weapon? Or is she a pacificist through and through?

Firebelly is an 86,000 word science-fiction adventure story about a young woman balancing conscience and survival, set in an alternative world. It will be my debut novel. Hopefully it is the first of many to include fantasy-style names and dragon motifs. No need to clarify first novel, that can be assumed. I would strike the last sentence as somewhat confusing - you're not clarifying whether this is series potential or themed career potential, and also the dragon motif might fit the title, but not the novel description./span>

Right now I like what you have, but I feel like there needs to be a little ray of hope or an alternative choice for En. Make weapons or... make weapons, doesn't feel like a plot. Is she searching for an alternative? Questioning pros and cons of using her skills against invaders? We know there's a moral quagmire here, but how is it playing out through her actions in the plot?

The Saturday Slash

Slash.png

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Twelve-year-old Ella is still reeling from the sudden loss of her mother when her father’s oldest friend is murdered in Scotland. Good hook that draws us into the story right away. I would strike "Scotland" here and insert below, as it just tips the sentence into long-winded. She must accompany him to isolated Ravenfell Manor for Cornelius’s funeral. Ella is unsettled by the house which is filled with eccentric curios and precious objects, almost certainly haunted, and has far too many Ravens of both the feathered and family varieties. Not sure what you mean by "family varieties?"

After her father is arrested for the theft of a valuable artefact, could be Australian spelling? In the US it's "artifact" Ella is forced to cancel her plans to fly home Strike "is forced..." It's implied and teams up with Cornelius’s son Lachie to try to clear his name. What is Lachie's interest in clearing her father's name? In in the interest of the old friendship? Or is his father's good name impugned as well? They become aware that Strike "they become aware..."three hidden treasures lie at the heart of the mystery, as well as Cornelius’s murder, but struggle to unravel the dead laird’s cryptic clues Strike everything after "clues" to discover the location of the priceless objects. Someone else is searching too, roaming the manor at night, masquerading as an ancient Raven ghost. Again, is Raven a family name? It's not entirely clear

When Ella’s father is accused of even more serious crimes in order to keep him away from Ravenfell and the hunt for Cornelius’s treasures, Strike everything up to this point she and Lachie are drawn into a dangerous contest with the increasingly ruthless Ghost, who always seems to be a step ahead of them. Just as they finally seem to be getting somewhere, they make a mistake which has life-threatening consequences. The Ghost locks them in the ancient underground tunnel, sealing the crypt doors with tape. Unless they can decipher the final clues and find the code to open the door to the airlock and Cornelius’s secret room, Strike "C's secret room" they will die. And even if they can achieve this, they will never be safe unless they find a way to unmask and trap the Ghost. Strike previous sentence Ella must draw on previously unknown reserves of courage and possibly a little unsolicited help from the supernatural world if she is to save all of their lives.

RAVENFELL is a 38,000 word middle grade adventure/mystery. It is a stand-alone title (with potential for a sequel) that will appeal to readers who enjoy the creepy Gothic settings of The Night Gardener and Serafina and the Twisted Cloak, the mystery elements of Greenglass House and the quirky artefacts of The Ten Thousand Doors of January.

I have had a number of articles published in Good Reading Magazine (Australia) about visiting the settings which inspired my favourite authors. My travels have also sparked the ideas for my own storytelling. As a teacher and librarian, I enjoyed working with middle grade students to foster and expand their love of literature and am excited to read and write fiction for this age group. I live in Melbourne, Australia.

Great bio! Great comp titles! Overall this is strong, you just need to weed it down, as it's a bit wordy in spots. Trim it up, and I think you're ready to go!

The Saturday Slash

Slash.png

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

What starts as a regular, annual, delete "annual" family vacation to Grover Canyon State Park in Grover,delete "Grover," Colorado quickly turns into sheer horror for twelve-year-old Sandy and her younger brother Pete. Bored with the typical red rock and pine tree fare, they go off exploring while their parents unpack at the cabin and discover an off-the-beaten-path canyon nearby. the way this is written it sounds like the parents discover the canyon. You don't need to specify what the parents are doing, necessarily. We understand that they'll need to be separated in order for there to be a plot.

Turns out, though, delete "though" a pharmaceutical testing laboratory’s just go with "is hidden" hidden underneath the bottom of the canyon, and Sandy and Pete accidentally gain access to it. They explore its twisted maze of pitch-dark rooms and hallways filled with way too many horribly mutilated corpses to count.I'd just stick with "filled with mutiliated corpses" because "way too many to count" raises the question of how high they can count. Also, assuming this is MG, "horribly mutilated corpses" might be a bit much. Perhaps "failed experiments?" Freaked out, they flee the lab—only to discover the whole park’s been cordoned off and no one’s allowed to leave. Not only that, government helicopters are razing the place, shooting and toasting any living thing on sight. Really? Just mowing down regular tourists? Why? Wondering if their intrusion of the lab is to blame for the sudden, intense onslaught, Sandy and Pete must find a way to reconvene with their parents and escape Grover Canyon State Park alive.

THE HORROR AT GROVER CANYON STATE PARK is a 29,000-word middle-grade horror. My debut young adult dystopian novel, THE FOURTH GENERATION, was released by Clean Reads in August 2015. Clean Reads also published my middle-grade science fiction novel, PICKET TOWN, in April 2018. I have a degree in Creative Writing from Fairleigh Dickinson University and won the individual award for Outstanding Achievement in Creative Writing. I also obtained an MFA in Writing Popular Fiction from Seton Hill University in 2013. I interned at Kensington Publishing Corp. in New York City in the Publicity and Marketing departments.

Absolutely awesome bio. I guess my biggest hang up here is - what's the goal? Just escape? They're not trying to expose the lab or share the truth with the world? And the government is really just mowing down everybody who happened to be at the park? Why? Are they worried about a contagion spread or is this just a "keep it secret, keep it safe" move? I feel like we need to know more about the larger arc in this query.

Also, right now the only horror at work here seems to be human in nature. Has something escaped the lab? Is that tied to the all-on assault? Clarify what the dangers and goals are in order for this to come together more tightly.