The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

When her sister becomes possessed by the ghost of a powerful witch, Luna is forced to become the strong twin and find a way to save Aurora before she is consumed completely (to eliminate "witch" echo.) the witch consumes her completely. Overall, good hook!

Thirteen-year-old twins Luna and Aurora are as different as night and day, but have always shared a special bond. Now Luna fears they are growing apart, with different interests and friendship groups. When they travel with their mother to remote Orkney to bury their grandmother and clear out her little cottage overlooking Eynhallow Sound, Luna is sad, but relieved to have her sister all to herself again. Good setup, but clarify - why is Luna sad? The death of her grandmother? The growing divide between the sisters? Both? Clarity would be good. Also, you infer that Luna is the "weaker" of the two, so maybe illustrate that here. Do you mean she's less popular? Not as assertive? How is she the "weaker" of the two?

However, Luna soon becomes aware of something that threatens to take her sister away from her forever. Aurora, who has never feared anything, is haunted by owls and tormented by frightening dreams. She seems to have acquired some magical power, able to weave her fingers and call up a violent storm. Aurora is terrified and extremely unwell How? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally? and Luna realises their roles have become reversed, and she must be the one to comfort and protect her twin. She discovers their grandmother accidently disturbed an ancient stone, releasing the ghost of a powerful weather witch who is determined to take over her sister’s life-force so she can come back into the world.

Every day the witch grows stronger and Rory I would just stick to her full name. I had to wonder who Rory was for a second fades. With the guidance of the last few witches left in Orkney, who use their powers to protect and nurture the land and its heritage, Luna searches for the identity of the ancient witch, and the secrets of her binding, so she can try to replicate it. I don't know what this means, or why she would want to replicate something that sounds bad / dangerous But time is running out, the witch is wary and will not fall for the same trick twice. This infers that she's fallen for something before. From someone else? From Luna? She lashes out with power, anger and a thirst for revenge, creating ferocious storms and floods which injure the girls’ mother and put the whole community in danger. When every other possibility has been exhausted, Luna must find the courage to look in the mirror which was the object of binding, and connect with the witch’s memories, even though she may not be able to pull free again and the witch might come for her as well.

THE WITCH OF EYNHALLOW SOUND is a Middle Grade Paranormal Fantasy set in Orkney, complete at 30,000 words, which should appeal to readers who enjoyed the sinister darkness of The Night Gardener, the ghostly presences in The Forgotten Girl and the lyrical magical setting of The Storm Keeper’s Island.

I have published a number of literary travel articles, mainly in Good Reading Magazine (Australia), about visiting the places that inspired my favourite authors.

Good comp titles and bio. I feel like your word count might be a touch light for a fantastical MG that will need worldbuilding. Reference: http://literaticat.blogspot.com/2011/05/wordcount-dracula.html I don't know that it will kill you in the query process, but it made me question whether the story, setting, and characters are fully fleshed out.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am sending my YA Paranormal Mystery, XXXX, for your consideration. I found your profile through “applicable info here” and hope my work will resonate with you.

After a soul-crushing ice-hockey finals loss and surviving a near fatal bus accident, sixteen-year-old Roman Walker suffers from a head wound and a bruised ego. This is a well written hook, but it doesn't give us any indication of what genre this could be. I'm pulled in enough to keep reading, but I think you need something more to pack a punch. He returns to his childhood home in Howick Assuming this is a South African location, due to your bio. You will want to clarify this, as most US readers wouldn't be able to infer it to convalesce at his grandfather’s house while his parents go away on business. This falls into the "easily gotten rid of parents" trope in YA, so you might want to find a better method for dispensing of them. Would they really leave Roman alone after sustaining a serious head injury? His quiet retreat soon becomes anything but.

Roman is set on edge when he starts seeing glimpses of ghosts around Howick: at the cemetery, the surrounding woods, even the local teen hangout. Not all of them look friendly—the worst ones are black, veil-like spirits that seem to tear into his mind What does this mean? He's doing more than just "seeing" them if there's an interaction. and frighten him to the core. To his surprise, he manages to talk to one of the ghosts—a teenage girl. She warns him to not let the others know what he can see, but before he can get more out of her, she vanishes. Shortly after, he comes across the girl’s face again: on a missing persons poster, next to many others. He begins to investigate the mystery behind a series of missing teens, finding cases going back decades. Roman’s unease grows, along with a feeling of being targeted, as he starts seeing more of the veil-like spirits around town. This leads him to uncover a centuries-old myth of an immortal, malevolent entity that marks her victim’s forehead with an ‘invisible’ X before taking them on a new moon each June—which is only a few days away. Interesting. I like it, but again, there's the conveneint "ghost disappears right before divulging something important" element.

Roman’s fears demand action when a new friend winds up with a blazing X above her eyes that only he can see. With the help of a diverse cast of eccentric characters (both living and not-so-living), Roman will have to race against the clock and keep his friend out of the clutches of encroaching evil, while searching for a way to confront a force that's been collecting souls for ages … and seemingly cannot be stopped. Not bad, overall. I think the title XXXX is probably working against you - I read it as simply a placeholder at first. Also, does this malevolent ancient spirit have a name? Is it based on something real? If so, name it. Also, just claiming you have a case of eccentric characters doesn't quite cut it. Listing two of three would be good. And who is this friend? Does she matter? Is there a romance? It's hard to feel any concern for someone who isn't important enough to garner a name drop in the query.

XXXX is a complete standalone novel at 93,000 words with series potential. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the spooky mystery of Harrow Lake, the cinematic narrative of the Road to Ever After, and fans of stories following the bonding of friends around supernatural forces in small town settings, like Stranger Things.

As for myself, I grew up in a blue-collar town behind mine dumps in South Africa, where getting mugged, chased by men with pangas, and being shot at, was just part of day-to-day life. I now live in England with my partner and daughter, exploring places of lore and absorbing the creative spirit of this beautiful land. I've also worked in the independent film industry and have had two of my screenplays turned into feature films. Good bio. It sets you up as being the proper person to use the setting, but again, you'll need to clarify that Howick is in South Africa for the bio to hit home.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

After ten years spent banished to Counterpane Island, Drizzle knows humans have poor judgment for three reasons:

1. They keep calling her an ogre. Just because Drizzle is six feet tall (average height for a twelve-year old Morathian btw), has bright red skin, a crown of horns and she’s fireproof, does not make her an ogre.

2. Humans think Counterpane, with its white sand beaches and turquoise seas, is a “vacation paradise.” Uh - no. Drizzle much prefers her home country of Morath, with its sulfurous breezes, abundant lava flows and toasty temperatures.

3. Only humans would allow a hybrid dragon-queen to rule their island. Czarina is always getting mad and popping into dragon form. One time she leveled a whole city block because there were peas in her salad. Any species that puts up with such stupidity has a fundamental weakness.

   Interesting way to begin. It goes against the grain, but it does capture voice and setting. What I think we're missing is how humans figure into this world. Also, if she's not an ogre, what is she?

Drizzle would give anything to return home. But her mother’s failed attempt at challenging their leader the leader at home? means Drizzle was banished and bound to Czarina with a binding spell. The curse can be broken only when Drizzle successfully beats the leader’s daughter at a dance fight. The leader's daughter... not Czarina? It's getting a little confusing and you might be better off naming the leader's daugther.

Which is a problem because Drizzle doesn’t know how to dance fight. The sacred art is only taught on Morath.

ThenWhen Czarina decides Drizzle needs leadership training. She sends Drizzle she is sent to summer camp on Corpulent Island. There for the first time, Drizzle finds friends (the fact they’re not human probably helps) and tackles camp challenges like one of the gang.

Oh, and also? She encounters another Morathian, who happens to be a retired dance fighting coach. Suddenly, Drizzle’s dreams seem to be in reach...until a historic enemy of Morath slithers in to mess everything up. More detail here. What does this mean? What is the enemy and how do they mess everything up and why would they do it in the first place? A query isn't the place to tease, so make sure you're dishing out the whole plate.

Drizzle battles enemies old and new while she tries to break the curse. But the more progress she makes, the more her own assumptions - of humans, of Morathian culture, of what it means to be her - are threatened in THE MONSTER CURSE, a 62,000-word middle grade humorous fantasy. It could be described as Shrek meets The Last Dragonslayer.

The voice is here and I think the non-traditional approach is worth a try. But make sure you get your plot on the page.