The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Sam has always been able to see auras shimmering like silver stardust under people’s skin, though she does her best to ignore the headache-inducing emotions they whisper into her mind and the blurry people who brush past her on sidewalks. Decent hook, but break the thoughts up a little. Right now you have one sentence, and we don't know if all people are blurry, or just certain ones. If she ignores everyone then she's a pretty introverted person. Give a little more space here to explain.

When two of Sam’s hallucinations Confused. he can see aura on real people, right? Real people are not hallucinations, which the next sentence does explain somewhat, but I think there needs to be clarification here. realise that she can see them, they reveal that they are Elementals: people from a parallel world who can manipulate one of the five natural elements (earth, air, fire, water and anima, or life force). Sam is one of the rare humans So are the Elementals human? able to wield anima, making her the first Animator since an atrocity left every Animator dead and the surviving Elementals unable to have children 200 years ago. But... these two are still around? So they're not human? With proper training, she’ll have the power to create and nurture life, revitalising the Elemental world. You'll need to be more clear about why an Animator is needed to create life. Obviouly their reproductive process is different from ours.

Lured by the promise of learning to control her debilitating headaches, Sam enters the Elemental world. But when she discovers that Animators still exist in hiding and that an imprisoned god hunted down Animators to exact revenge for his banishment, two things become crystal clear: the surviving Animators intend to use Sam to lure out the god’s spies, and they’re willing to let her die in the process. How did this god do anything if he's imprisoned? And why are the Animators in hiding? Don't they know that they are imperiling their own race by doing so? Why would Sam be bait? What about her is special, if she's not the only Animator left?

In a desperate bid to make it home alive, Sam forms an alliance with an ambitious man from a notoriously mercenary branch of Elementals. As her abilities become harder to hide, who is she hiding them from? Doesn't everyone know? Sam must master her element to save herself and the people she’s come to love from the god who would kill them all.

THE SACRIFICIAL ANIMATOR is a 113,000-word fantasy novel which will appeal to readers who enjoy Melissa Caruso’s character-driven SWORDS AND FIRE trilogy and fantasy worlds that intersect with ours (as in Alix E. Harrow’s THE TEN THOUSAND DOORS OF JANUARY). Good comp titles, but you define this as character-driven, when really I don't know anything about Sam's character other than that she gets headaches. If this is character driven, you need to get her character injected into the query.

I am a half-French, half-Japanese American currently living in Berlin, where I work as a finance lawyer. I studied law at the University of Cambridge and can be found hiking or planning my next novel when I’m not at work.

Overall, I'm just confused about what role the Animators play, why the god is a threat if he's banished, why the Animators are in hiding, why Sam would be the bait, etc... Everything I mentioned above. This sounds interesting, but right now it feels like a lot of disparate elements that aren't tied together cohesively.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

When her sister becomes possessed by the ghost of a powerful witch, Luna is forced to become the strong twin and find a way to save Aurora before she is consumed completely (to eliminate "witch" echo.) the witch consumes her completely. Overall, good hook!

Thirteen-year-old twins Luna and Aurora are as different as night and day, but have always shared a special bond. Now Luna fears they are growing apart, with different interests and friendship groups. When they travel with their mother to remote Orkney to bury their grandmother and clear out her little cottage overlooking Eynhallow Sound, Luna is sad, but relieved to have her sister all to herself again. Good setup, but clarify - why is Luna sad? The death of her grandmother? The growing divide between the sisters? Both? Clarity would be good. Also, you infer that Luna is the "weaker" of the two, so maybe illustrate that here. Do you mean she's less popular? Not as assertive? How is she the "weaker" of the two?

However, Luna soon becomes aware of something that threatens to take her sister away from her forever. Aurora, who has never feared anything, is haunted by owls and tormented by frightening dreams. She seems to have acquired some magical power, able to weave her fingers and call up a violent storm. Aurora is terrified and extremely unwell How? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally? and Luna realises their roles have become reversed, and she must be the one to comfort and protect her twin. She discovers their grandmother accidently disturbed an ancient stone, releasing the ghost of a powerful weather witch who is determined to take over her sister’s life-force so she can come back into the world.

Every day the witch grows stronger and Rory I would just stick to her full name. I had to wonder who Rory was for a second fades. With the guidance of the last few witches left in Orkney, who use their powers to protect and nurture the land and its heritage, Luna searches for the identity of the ancient witch, and the secrets of her binding, so she can try to replicate it. I don't know what this means, or why she would want to replicate something that sounds bad / dangerous But time is running out, the witch is wary and will not fall for the same trick twice. This infers that she's fallen for something before. From someone else? From Luna? She lashes out with power, anger and a thirst for revenge, creating ferocious storms and floods which injure the girls’ mother and put the whole community in danger. When every other possibility has been exhausted, Luna must find the courage to look in the mirror which was the object of binding, and connect with the witch’s memories, even though she may not be able to pull free again and the witch might come for her as well.

THE WITCH OF EYNHALLOW SOUND is a Middle Grade Paranormal Fantasy set in Orkney, complete at 30,000 words, which should appeal to readers who enjoyed the sinister darkness of The Night Gardener, the ghostly presences in The Forgotten Girl and the lyrical magical setting of The Storm Keeper’s Island.

I have published a number of literary travel articles, mainly in Good Reading Magazine (Australia), about visiting the places that inspired my favourite authors.

Good comp titles and bio. I feel like your word count might be a touch light for a fantastical MG that will need worldbuilding. Reference: http://literaticat.blogspot.com/2011/05/wordcount-dracula.html I don't know that it will kill you in the query process, but it made me question whether the story, setting, and characters are fully fleshed out.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am sending my YA Paranormal Mystery, XXXX, for your consideration. I found your profile through “applicable info here” and hope my work will resonate with you.

After a soul-crushing ice-hockey finals loss and surviving a near fatal bus accident, sixteen-year-old Roman Walker suffers from a head wound and a bruised ego. This is a well written hook, but it doesn't give us any indication of what genre this could be. I'm pulled in enough to keep reading, but I think you need something more to pack a punch. He returns to his childhood home in Howick Assuming this is a South African location, due to your bio. You will want to clarify this, as most US readers wouldn't be able to infer it to convalesce at his grandfather’s house while his parents go away on business. This falls into the "easily gotten rid of parents" trope in YA, so you might want to find a better method for dispensing of them. Would they really leave Roman alone after sustaining a serious head injury? His quiet retreat soon becomes anything but.

Roman is set on edge when he starts seeing glimpses of ghosts around Howick: at the cemetery, the surrounding woods, even the local teen hangout. Not all of them look friendly—the worst ones are black, veil-like spirits that seem to tear into his mind What does this mean? He's doing more than just "seeing" them if there's an interaction. and frighten him to the core. To his surprise, he manages to talk to one of the ghosts—a teenage girl. She warns him to not let the others know what he can see, but before he can get more out of her, she vanishes. Shortly after, he comes across the girl’s face again: on a missing persons poster, next to many others. He begins to investigate the mystery behind a series of missing teens, finding cases going back decades. Roman’s unease grows, along with a feeling of being targeted, as he starts seeing more of the veil-like spirits around town. This leads him to uncover a centuries-old myth of an immortal, malevolent entity that marks her victim’s forehead with an ‘invisible’ X before taking them on a new moon each June—which is only a few days away. Interesting. I like it, but again, there's the conveneint "ghost disappears right before divulging something important" element.

Roman’s fears demand action when a new friend winds up with a blazing X above her eyes that only he can see. With the help of a diverse cast of eccentric characters (both living and not-so-living), Roman will have to race against the clock and keep his friend out of the clutches of encroaching evil, while searching for a way to confront a force that's been collecting souls for ages … and seemingly cannot be stopped. Not bad, overall. I think the title XXXX is probably working against you - I read it as simply a placeholder at first. Also, does this malevolent ancient spirit have a name? Is it based on something real? If so, name it. Also, just claiming you have a case of eccentric characters doesn't quite cut it. Listing two of three would be good. And who is this friend? Does she matter? Is there a romance? It's hard to feel any concern for someone who isn't important enough to garner a name drop in the query.

XXXX is a complete standalone novel at 93,000 words with series potential. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the spooky mystery of Harrow Lake, the cinematic narrative of the Road to Ever After, and fans of stories following the bonding of friends around supernatural forces in small town settings, like Stranger Things.

As for myself, I grew up in a blue-collar town behind mine dumps in South Africa, where getting mugged, chased by men with pangas, and being shot at, was just part of day-to-day life. I now live in England with my partner and daughter, exploring places of lore and absorbing the creative spirit of this beautiful land. I've also worked in the independent film industry and have had two of my screenplays turned into feature films. Good bio. It sets you up as being the proper person to use the setting, but again, you'll need to clarify that Howick is in South Africa for the bio to hit home.