The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Henry Hinkleton is a nonbeliever. In Bigfoot Township, the only thing worse than that, is being Bigfoot himself. This is a good opening line, but you need a little bit more. Why is it bad to be Bigfoot? It sounds like they celebrate the creature with the festival. When Henry is chosen to play Bigfoot in a weeklong town festival, he goes to the woods for inspiration and accidentally does what no one else has--comes face to face with the legendary beast! Henry quickly realizes that this rock juggling, cannonball diving, log racing creature is not the dangerous beast he has heard of, and he is also not the only Bigfoot living on the mountain. Cool, but we need more. Can Bigfoot talk? Does he communicate with this animal? Is he scared at. first, but then a friendship develops? Give us a better feeling for this relationship.

As the festival goes on, so does the rebuilding of the dam outside of town, and Henry learns that the diverted river is threatening the survival of Bigfoot’s home. Henry secretly helps the creatures fix the dam before it is too late, Confused by this - so the dam needs to be fixed in order for the Bigfoots to be safe? Usually a dam is what destroys habitat. and Mayor Grildy, who will stop at nothing to keep the feared beast exiled,How is it not already exiled, by nature? Why would the threatening of the home mean that the Bigfoot is no longer exiled? Does the Mayor know that Bigfoot is real? becomes suspicious. As time runs out for saving Bigfoot’s home, Henry discovers the truth about the creatures, the township, and that he alone can save Bigfoot. Now Henry must decide what to do with the truth. But what does this actually mean? What is the truth, and why would Henry hesitate to use it? A query isn't a place to tease, so put it all out there.

FINDING BIGFOOT is a middle grade novel complete at 38,000 words. It is fun and adventurous like FINALLY SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS, and has the heart and humor of HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. It is heavily based on legends and documented materials. It also highlights the use of sign language. Really? How? Sounds like that answers my communication answer above. Get that in the query!

I am an active member of SCBWI and am a former fifth grade teacher and reading and writing specialist. I have been a middle grade novel fanatic since the age of ten. Good bio!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Eighteen-year-old Irina struggles to move on after a man broke into her house and held her mother at knifepoint. And her, I assume? Did she witness this? I would include her in that, if so. Still terrified by the threatening words he uttered before running from the police, What were those words? Promises of more danger to come? Don't tease in a query, let us know what happened. she embarks on a hiking trip with friends–away from her hometown in the center of Romania–hoping to kick-start the healing process.

On a forest-covered peak of the Carpathian Mountains, Irina meets Alex, who wins her over with confidence, witty conversation and his favorite Pink Floyd song. But when they relate his fugitive older brother Robert with the criminal she’s trying to forget, Awkward phrasing here. You're saying that she discovers that his brother is the one who broke in, but the way you're saying it is a convoluted. the healing process Irina was working on needs a makeover. What does this mean? To be with Alex, she’ll have to step into Robert’s world instead of running away from it.

When they tell Irina’s family the truth about Alex’s brother, her father demands the end of their relationship. Irina is not the obedient girl she used to be, I didn't have the feeling that she was obedient, or that it was a character trait she was trying to ditch but leaving leaving to go where? with Alex could not only estrange her from people she loves. But with Robert still on the run and out for revenge, it might place both of them in the line of danger. Revenge? For what?

THE CHOICE IS MINE is a dual-POV romance novel with elements of suspense, complete at 73,400 words, set in my hometown of Brasov–a lovely place in the center of Romania. It should appeal to readers who enjoy Colleen Hoover’s writing style and has a similar “forbidden love” angle as COME BACK TO ME by Mila Gray.

Here's the biggest problem - if this is a dual POV, the query needs to reflect that. Instead the entire thing is told from her POV. Alex doesn't even come into it. Also - why does Robert want revenge? For what? Was the break-in random, or targeted? If her being compliant and obedient is an issue that she has to overcome to get what she wants in the story, that needs to be a larger element in the query as well. Overall, well written, but it needs to reflect the dual POV and my questions above need answered.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

There is no love lost between Adrian Hunter and the Council. You need a stronger hook. I don't know who Adrian is, or the Council, what they disagree about, why I should care, or what genre this is. Yet as tension rises between the latter and the Aethlings, he must prevent the situation from becoming a stinky pile of myga poop. Same problem - I don't know who the Aethlings are, what the tension is over, orwhat myga poop is. Warning the Council of a takeover attempt (and not even getting a thanks in return) was just step one; the conflict can only be resolved if there’s true equality for misfits. A takeover by who? Are we talking about Adrian now? Who is Adrian? What is Adrian? Why do they care about what's going on here? What's at stake? What is the inequality? As if that’s not difficult enough, he must deal with an awkward reunion with his ex-partner—er, ex-work partner (whom he finds attractive)—and stop a spirit from causing more destruction than a clash between the factions would. Again, just not enough info. I don't know what the spirit is causing destruction to, why it matters to the plot, or what Adrian does for a job or why the partner / ex would matter.

It all started with a spirit Adrian had been chasing on a job. I don't know what their job is, and "it all started" isn't a phrase that should be buried in a query. Somehow the Aethlings were involved, and he reluctantly infiltrates the group upon the Council’s orders to discover their intentions.Again, so vague. Things only become more complicated as he finds that someone is plotting to open a portal to another dimension…which will have consequences of disastrous proportions.Like what? Add in some connections to his forgotten past and it’s the perfect recipe for disaster. All he has are his (sometimes unreliable) ability to do what? and a small ragtag group that may or may not contain spies from different parties.

The Palabrian is a 75,000-word debut urban fantasy novel with a heap of humour, a dash of LGBTQ romance, and loads of spirits.

This is on a multiple submission. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

You're suffering from a little bit of query blindness here - you know what the backstory is and what each group is, what their roles in the story are, etc. The reader doesn't. So I have no clue how all of these moving parts work together to create a story, or what the story is. I also had no idea that this was urban fantasy - it reads like it could be high fantasy. There's no mention of real world concerns here, so I didn't guess it was urban.

You'll need to take a hard look at my questions above, and find concise ways to get the worldbuilding, plot, and character motivations into this query.

Right now, it just reads like a generic concept - there's an unclear struggle between groups, a demon and a portal, and a love interest. I don't know how they interconnect, or why this is any different from any other story with those elements.