The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am sending you The Warriors of Bjornfell, a multi-POV High Fantasy YA novel with crossover potential. It is a standalone with series potential complete at 101,160 words. It will appeal to fans of Kendare Blake and Jenn Lyons. In general, I tell people to put this information at the bottom of the query. I look at it like this - every author querying has a title, a genre, a word count, and comp titles. Go in with a punch - use your hook. This info can go at the bottom. Also - you can just say it's 100k and round down. However, I would advise you to get that word down to 85-90k. Breaking out at 100k is difficult, and this genre is currently packed tight as it is.

Nathaja & Brynjar are two of three predestined warriors who are the first beings gifted by the gods in almost two centuries. This is a bit convoluted - I'm immediately wondering who the third is, and what it means to be gifted. Are they really good piano players, or what? Find something more distinctive to say, or else this starts off like every other Chosen One (or two) narrative They both must learn to control their powers in order to rescue their mothers from the clutches of Nathaja's brother Geir who has joined forces with Ragnifred, the immortal sorceress Queen. But... why? Right now this is just like - hey, we've got an emergency because there's a bad person! Which is pretty generic

Gwithari is an only child and heir to the High Elven Throne. Why did we just jump over to this person? Are N and B not the MC's? The natural course of action is for Gwithari to take the throne when the King dies, however, the only thing preventing that is the secret Gwithari guards from the world. Gwithari’s true self is female though she was born male, a fact that doesn’t coincide with her parent’s strict heteronormative views. She is given an ultimatum by her parents, either conform and obey or face death. Hey, here's your hook - I found it down here. Lead with this. This is what makes your story stand out from the pack.

Atrahasis has always dreamed of discovering what became of his grandfather’s brother, the man that traveled to a far northern kingdom and fell in love with a beautiful woman. Atrahasis soon discovers that fulfilling this dream comes at a price.I have no idea what this has to do with any of the characters you've mentioned above. Right now this query has a name soup problem, and I'm not seeing threads to tie these people, or these plots, together.

Ragnifred resented the gods for damning her to a life as a giftless mortal. After stealing not only the gifts but the very life force of others Who? she vowed to one day kill the gods and remake the world as she sees fit. Now the only thing standing between her and her goals are these prophesied warriors, for they will be the key to her success. How can they both be what's standing in her way, and they key to her success?

I am a trans woman from Florida and when I am not writing I am a freelance graphic designer, artist, and caregiver to my disabled mother. Definitely mention you're trans, however, unless disability is a theme in the book, I don't know that the nod here is important.

Right now this query has too many names and not even plot. I don't have a real idea of how these stories are going to come together to create a plot. Do all of these characters have POV's? If so, multiple POV needs to be stated. If not, figure out who is the most importnat, and focus the query on their stories.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Detective Sergeant Melanie Hunter is suffering through the posh fundraiser of her former best friend’s foundation when a Russian journalist, who seemingly knows too much about her past, approaches her. But we know nothing about her past, so this doesn't carry much of a punch. What does he approach her about? Why would it make her nervous? Before she can confront him, this wording feels odd, since he's presumably right in front of her Detective Chief Inspector Harry Williams unless Williams is going to recur again in the query, I wouldn't bother naming him calls her, asking her to a crime scene — an unidentified young woman found strangled in a park.

A well of contradictions from the get-go, Jane Doe’s case takes a dark turn for Melanie when a tattoo is found etched on the woman’s inner thigh. The sloppy initials scream human trafficking. Melanie sports matching ones on her ribcage. Soon, she finds herself sucked back into an insidious world hiding in plain sight. A world that turned her into a murderer. Oh, nice! Is this what the journalist was onto? A nod in the beginning would be good

When bodies start piling up, Melanie realizes this runs deeper than she’d ever imagined. Target on her back, she embarks on a journey across Romania and Russia to bring down the leader of a human trafficking ring and to prevent other girls from becoming the next Jane Doe. Her obsession for the truth is deadly. One wrong move will be the end of her. Still, she owes it to all those lost girls and to herself to try. This is a bit vague. There's a big bad guy, and she's got to bring him / it down, but that's the plot of pretty much all thrillers. What are the stakes? What's at risk, other than the obvious? Is she having psychological problems b/c of her own past? How does the fact that she murdered someone play into the plot? Why Russia? Is that where she's from? What's the connection?

THE LOST GIRLS is an adult thriller, which stands complete at 96,000 words, with series potential.

Born and raised in Romania, I currently live in a small town called Drobeta-Turnu Severin and I am simultaneously working towards obtaining an MBA and my second Bachelor’s Degree in Law. With my first novel, I wanted to showcase a vivid picture of life in poorer Eastern European countries and how they have come to be plagued by human trafficking.

Great bio. Really good to establish yourself as able to write this setting - but you need to clarify what the connection is to the plot within the query. Overall, this is well written and interesting, but we need those little details that are going to make this standout from every other thriller on the shelf.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Henry Hinkleton is a nonbeliever. In Bigfoot Township, the only thing worse than that, is being Bigfoot himself. This is a good opening line, but you need a little bit more. Why is it bad to be Bigfoot? It sounds like they celebrate the creature with the festival. When Henry is chosen to play Bigfoot in a weeklong town festival, he goes to the woods for inspiration and accidentally does what no one else has--comes face to face with the legendary beast! Henry quickly realizes that this rock juggling, cannonball diving, log racing creature is not the dangerous beast he has heard of, and he is also not the only Bigfoot living on the mountain. Cool, but we need more. Can Bigfoot talk? Does he communicate with this animal? Is he scared at. first, but then a friendship develops? Give us a better feeling for this relationship.

As the festival goes on, so does the rebuilding of the dam outside of town, and Henry learns that the diverted river is threatening the survival of Bigfoot’s home. Henry secretly helps the creatures fix the dam before it is too late, Confused by this - so the dam needs to be fixed in order for the Bigfoots to be safe? Usually a dam is what destroys habitat. and Mayor Grildy, who will stop at nothing to keep the feared beast exiled,How is it not already exiled, by nature? Why would the threatening of the home mean that the Bigfoot is no longer exiled? Does the Mayor know that Bigfoot is real? becomes suspicious. As time runs out for saving Bigfoot’s home, Henry discovers the truth about the creatures, the township, and that he alone can save Bigfoot. Now Henry must decide what to do with the truth. But what does this actually mean? What is the truth, and why would Henry hesitate to use it? A query isn't a place to tease, so put it all out there.

FINDING BIGFOOT is a middle grade novel complete at 38,000 words. It is fun and adventurous like FINALLY SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS, and has the heart and humor of HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. It is heavily based on legends and documented materials. It also highlights the use of sign language. Really? How? Sounds like that answers my communication answer above. Get that in the query!

I am an active member of SCBWI and am a former fifth grade teacher and reading and writing specialist. I have been a middle grade novel fanatic since the age of ten. Good bio!