The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Harmony “Goldilocks” Gold is hunted by a “Charming” guard she can’t help falling for as, haunted Using "hunted" so close to "haunted" had me mentally confusing the two. I didn't realize he was pursuing her until I had read further by the tragedy and accusations of her past, she travels across the kingdoms to see the trial of her abusive father. I realize I might be alone in this, but I don't understand why Charming is in quotes - is he prince Charming? But a guard? I think this opening sentence is a touch convoluted and must be unraveled in order for the reader to dissect what's going on. I'd shoot for simplicity in your opening hook.

The Criminal is a twist on the story of “Goldilocks” and tells the story of Harmony Gold, a sarcastic fugitive forced into a life on the run by her abusive father and the death of her mother. In desperation to survive after the loss of loved ones, Harmony slowly becomes the criminal the world thinks she is, taking on the identity others have given her. Harmony struggles for freedom and desires a normal life but has to come to the realization that neither is in the cards for “Goldilocks.” Right now, this is running in circles - you've got an opening para that sounds like a pitch, but then you go into an overview statement here. We need to know why the world thinks she is a criminal, and how she evolves to become one. Right now these are broad statements that don't tell us much at all about the actual plot.

But when Harmony finds an advertisement for the trial of her father, she sees a way towards the freedom she so desires. If only she could lose the guard chasing her. And if only she could stop falling head over heels for him. Why would there be an ad for a trial? Is it just like a news statement? Why would the trial be a path toward freedom for her? Why is a guard chasing her? How can she fall head over heels for someone she is evading? Do they interact? Surely they must be thrown together at some point in order to fall in love? You'll see from my questions here that the plot isn't reallly present in the query.

Now Harmony must decide: is freedom what she really wants? Or will she redefine her identity as something more than a criminal? Why does she have to decide? What forces that?

The Criminal is an 87,000 word YA novel appropriate for both MG and adult audiences. That's a pretty large statement - that this book can be read by MG to adults. You need to be more narrow, b/c the counterargument is that they won't know how to market it.It is the first in a seven-book series You definitely don't want to be pitching the first in a 7 book series. It needs to be a standlone with series potential - and that needs to be an accurate statement. entitled Once Upon a Tome with themes of identity and racial discrimination. Really? Where? I had zero idea that this was the case from everything above. The writing style is a cross between Gail Carson Levine and Sarah J. Maas with a little bit of Chris Colfer’s middle-grade whimsy.

I am a dual citizen of New Zealand and the US, a dog mother, and a tea enthusiast. I have been writing with the intent to publish since I was twelve and recently self-published a poetry book entitled Imagine This: From Pain to Possibility about the severe pain and medical conditions I face and the ways I push through. The book has sold about 75 copies so far. I hope to publish more books in the YA fiction realm in the future. Without extremely impressive self-publishing sales, don't mention it at all. Also, most people who are writers have been writing since they were children. If you don't have anything incredibly relevant to include in your bio, don't be scared to leave it simple, and skimpy.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

THE GREAT RESIGNATION, a first-person 66,000 word upmarket novel with a passionate adult love story, mixes the humor and vulnerability of Something To Live For by Richard Roper with the voicey style and narrative twists of a Jonathan Tropper novel. I always tell people to start with their hook - everyone has a title, a word count, and comp titles. Start with something no one else has - the hook for your book. Could just be me, but that's where I land.

Presaging today’s headlines, it’s 2009, If it's set in 2009, it can't really presage today's headlines, b/c we already have that knowledge. I realize that's a loose interpretation of the word, but it was my immediate thought upon reading it and Will and Clara quit their respective positions as lawyer and local newscaster to pursue risky dreams. Like what? We need to know what they are in order to believe that they are risky, or understand why this presages anything Spurring each other on, they become deeply involved. With what? Each other? These risky dreams? How do they spur each other on? Will persists down the low-status path of working as a children’s clown and musician, informed by his guilt over acquitting a client who went on to murder her child — an impossible debt to discharge. It's an interesting idea, however, why does he feel like this appraoch cleanses him? Will’s mother, brother, and colleague urge him to bear up and get back to work. His original career? Only Clara stands behind his career change — until she does an abrupt 360 and begs him to try her father’s battery case. What is Clara's arc? What was her risky dream? You already stated earlier that they spur each other on, so we don't need the restatement When Will refuses, Clara leaves him, claiming he is limited in his capacity to give, an assessment Will grudgingly accepts. Even so, he and Clara seem on the verge of reconciliation when she learns of his rebound one-night-stand with Alessia, the daughter of Clara’s ruthless new boss.New boss in what sector? Clara is totally lost in this narrative, even though it began seeming as if it was about both of them Now, without Clara’s support, Will must persevere in his new calling — strictly for himself. But wasn't he doing it for himself to begin with? There was no statemetn that made it seem like Clara is benefiting from his new career When a botched surgery takes Alessia’s life, Will offers his legal services to Clara’s boss to save her grandson from an abusive father. So he'll return to the career he hates for the son of his one night stnd, but not for his girlfriend's father? Why? As Will seeks to win the case, and Clara, he continues to explore whether he must change himself to fit the world. We need to know more about the motivation - why would he quit in the first place? How does he think the new career is going to save his soul, and what's the motivation for returning to it? What has changed that he would even consider it? This also needs to be reframed so that it doesn't open sounding as if it's going to be equally about Will and Clara - it's not.

This story is loosely based on my own journey from lawyer-to-clown-to-kids-musician as featured in my NY Times essay http://ow.ly/fuI030iK7TC which provoked 465 reader comments. From this experience, I learned to use my work not to gain prestige but as a means to craft a joyful life.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Seventeen-year-old Cameron Sloane, despite what the Tremont High principal declares, knows he isn’t brave for coming forward to say his algebra teacher acted in a “sexually inappropriate” way. Cam knows he lied. I had to look at this a few times, wondering at the wording. Of course he knows he lied. In fact, he had to. It was his only option. If not, Shauna, his best friend, could have gotten hurt. We need to know how his actions protect Shauna, becuase right now I don't see a connection between their narratives, and someone making false accusations like this is not going to have the sympathy of the reader. He'll need to have a REALLY good reason. Also, your original wording wastes space. You'll need to be concise in a query.

First-year teacher Brad Miller desperately wants the nightmare of the false accusation to end so he can get back to teaching algebra, a career his father rejects as being second-rate. When his principal pulls him out of his classroom, Brad suffers another panic attack, which he’s tried to hide from everyone, especially his students. When the sweat and tremors come, the principal sees guilt. Brad, in turn, sees his career and life ending. In general, narrators in YA need to be teens. There are some exceptions, but they're rare and it is usually established authors taking that leap. Also, this doesn't read as a narrative arc for Brad, just a scene - does he take any actions? What is his role in the story, other than being the unjustly, panicked, accused?

Shauna Lange, one of only four Black girls in the school, wants out of Tremont High. Like right now! Actually, she wants out of Tremont, Ohio after being targeted by classmates. a group of teenage racists. Not happening, her parents tell her. Turn the other cheek, they say. No way, Shauna responds. Changing the wording here a little bit for the sake of being concise. The fact that she's the only back girl implies that the target comes from racist, and using "classmates" insinuates that they are teens as well. Unless they stop harassing her, she’s going to find out who these bullies are and stomp them, she doesn't know who it is? Assuming it's classmates, then? Also, she's going to literally attack them? What's her narrative here, other than getting angry? Does she have a plan? Is she asking questions to figure out who it is? despite Cameron’s pleas to let him handle it. But again, how in the world would Cam's accusations help Shauna? I see no connection.

Cameron, Brad, and Shauna share the role of protagonist in What He Said, a stand-alone, realistic YA novel of 90,800 words. Chapters shift from each character’s point-of-view as the story moves to its ominous resolution. You're going to have to be more clear about how these stories intersect to create a plot, and what the arc is for each character, as well as what's at stake.

I am seeking representation for What He Said, my contribution to YA fiction that deals with racism and homophobia. Although Cameron, Brad, and Shauna are separated in so many ways at Tremont High, the events in What He Said ultimately connect them in ways they never expected. We need to see those connections in the query body itself, and understand how this forms a cohesive narratove. Cut this para entirely and get the connections into the query, instead of stating they exist here.

Racism in school hallways and sexual misconduct by teachers aren’t new. Television and the internet seem to report regularly about hate crimes and the inappropriate relationships between teachers and their students, but how often do news sources reveal later that the accusations are false? A teacher accused of such conduct rarely gains any sympathy in the media, and Brad Miller is no exception. Again, this isn't part of the query, and makes it seems like the adult protag has more weight in the story than your teen narrators, which isn't a good move.

Previously, I published my debut novel My Last Year of Life (in School) (Black Rose Writing, 2015) and ten nonfiction books, including Writing Smarter (Prentice Hall, 1998) and The Elite Wrestler (Coaches Choice, 2020). I am also a veteran English teacher who was named Ohio’s High School English Teacher of the Year in 2000.

Awesome bio!! Cut the irrelevant paras, get the cohesive narrative into the query and you're looking much better!