The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

A young couple struggles to find their footing in marriage, causing the wife to no longer want children with the man she married. Why? What happens? Does she not want to have kids at all, or just with him? But she still wants to be married to him? We definitely need a lot more detail to understand and sympathize with the main character. When she discovers he is cheating, they come to an understanding she will stay if he stops pressuring her to have kids. But again... why? What's the motivation? Why does she want to be with him at all, if she 1) doesn't want to have kids with him and 2) he's cheating? I don't understand why she would want to remain married to this person. Then they meet a woman who makes life look easy by employing her wiles. What does this mean? It doesn’t become clear what she wants from the wife until she has ingrained herself into their life. What does she want? A query isn't the place to be cagey. Alliances are tested when it’s revealed the friend has been having an affair with the husband from the beginning. But why would this even matter at all, since he was already caught cheating? But the wife is guilty of lies of omission as well. She has been formulating a fallback plan to not end up a victim. Way, way, way too vague. I don't really know what makes this any different from any other "bad marriage" book that's out there. Name your characters, tell us their motivation, and don't keep any secrets from an agent in a query. What does the friend want from the wife? What are the lies of omission? And what is the fallback plan? Right now this is so vague it could be for any number of books. Figure out what makes yours distinctive, and get that in the query.

Her Grass is Greener is approximately ninety-thousand words in length.

The novel is in the spirit of The Last Mrs. Parrish and When Life Gives You Lululemons. It promotes female empowerment and touches on the negatives of comparison culture. That sounds interesting, but I don't see any of it represented in the query as it stands.

I reside in Atlanta, Georgia and have a Creative Writing degree from Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

It’s 1955, and in Manhattan, three sisters embark on individual life journeys that will test their resolve to follow their dreams. Even when that pursuit means going against the wishes of their family as well as societal norms family’s and society’s norms. Not a bad lead in, but watch for awkward usage. I'm not sure that the second sentence is a complete sentence.

Helen, the eldest, has finally fallen in love and wants to get married. However, her father forbids it due to an ancient feud he refuses to abandon. Need more. How is this different from any other star-crossed love story?

Carolyn, the middle daughter and most beautiful, is determined to become New York City’s most sought after woman. Chasing this dream gets her thrown out of the family home, but her pigheadedness may have landed her in the lion’s den with no way out. What does this mean? And what are her goals? Doesn't sought after mean she's looking for marraige? If not, what does it mean? Marriage wouldn't get her thrown out of the house, so we need details here.

Peggy, the youngest, is determined to become a doctor, not a married housewife. When she meets a man twice her age, her resolve falters and she must decide whether a family or a career is more important to her. Why is his age relevant? How does that factor into her future?

Right now, these are all very vague, and verging on tropes. We need specifics in order to see what makes this different from every other star-crossed lovers, good girl acting out, and choose between a career and family narrative. Details are going to be important to show that this is different from any / every other historical title with a similar vein.

A TALE OF THREE SISTERS (102,000) is a historical romance full of family secrets Like what? I didn't see any secrets mentioned above. which will appeal to anyone who has gone after their dreams in spite of challenges. This novel is in the style of We Are the Brennans (Tracey Lange) and The Star-Crossed Sisters of Tuscany (Lori Nelson Spielman).

Your word count is a little high. You'll want to get this under 100k. I also question the genre slightly - is this romance or is it women's fiction? Only you can know the answer to that, but romance tends to have a heavier focus on the relationips in isolation, whereas this seems to have a function beyond the that.

My traditionally published debut historical novel won the 2019 Marie M Irvine Award for Literary Excellence. My historical fiction, Maybe clarify not the ms you're querying presently with Woodhall Press and scheduled to be released in September 2022, won the 2021 When Words Count nationwide competition. I’ve also had short stories published in various themed anthologies. My non-fiction essay appeared in the 2021 Chicken Soup for the Soul Blessings of Christmas. I received my MA in English (Writing Emphasis) from Northern Arizona University. I’m a member of the Historical Novel Society, Women’s National Book Association, Women Fiction Writers Association, and Authors Guild.

Good bio!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Eleven-year-old Frederick David Jones is bored of school and routine and boredom. In general, having a main character who is bored can be a hard sell. Reading about someone else's boredom is... boring. You've also got an echo here (repeated use of the word). Instead, find a synonym - unfullfilled, dissatsified.. etc His solution: wander into the woods. When he accidentally drifts off, What does this mean? Floats away? Falls asleep? he wakes up Aha! Fell asleep - but you need to say as much to find the trees have grown about a hundred feet tall and look about a million years old. But did they, actually? Is he in a different place or in a Rip Van Winkle situation? A spirit lady warns that the world is fading and he must strive to “remember.” What does this mean? What world is fading? What does he need to remember? How does he feel about this? Back home, after months of trying to reconcile the two worlds, a failed attempt to run away, from what / who? and a whole lot of magically skipping through time, this is potentially confusing - is he skipping through time in our world? Their world? What is the connection to the plot? What is he trying to remember? Which world is fading and what is at stake? he meets Sage Namid Luna, a weird, home-schooled kid who just moved from the countryside and who has no qualms about holding hands. They venture into the woods and pass into the other realm, but everything has turned monochrome and misty, and the spirit has become a monster. They flee, but when Frederick emerges from the fog, Sage is gone. I don't really understand how all of these things form together to create the plot.

Frederick must resist an ever-strengthening time-skipping curse, gather his friends, escape the authoritarian adults, and charge into the woods (now crawling with cops) to find Sage and stop the insatiable spirit-turned-monster even as the greyness seeps into the eyes of the people around him and the fog leaks between worlds, throwing into question the separation of the two places and threatening to blanket everything and everyone in mindless, colorless, everlasting nothing.

Why is time skipping a curse? He was bored to begin with, now time skipping is a curse, not fun? Was it fun in the first place? What is he trying to remember and why will that stop the grayness? You say he has friends, but they're not mentioned. He sounds like a loner. Why are the adults authoritarian? Why did he try to run away? If the spirit is now the monster, was her warning bad... or good? Should the places be separate? Is that bad or good? you can see that right now I have a lot of questions about how these disparate elemeents tie together to create the actual plot, and the query will need to do more work to illustrate that.

FREDERICK AND THE WOODLANDS is a 51,000-word YA If he's 11, it's definitely more MG novel somewhere between urban fantasy and magical realism. Its primary audience is 12-18, but it will appeal to a wide range of ages. That may be true, but they want to market it to a certain age group, and kids tend to want to read UP - by that I mean, about kids older than them. They don't want to read about younger kids. With your protag being 11, this is definitely in the MG realm The novel uses magic as a means to explore such relevant themes as coming of age, conformity, expectations, belonging, consumerism, ontology, and the human-environment relationship in today’s dynamic world. It very well could, but I don't see those reflected in the description above.

Elements of the story and voice evoke books like Colin Meloy’s WILDWOOD, Katherine Paterson’s BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA and Brandon Mull’s FABLEHAVEN; movies like Wes Anderson’s MOONRISE KINGDOM, Hayao Miyazaki’s MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO, and Guillermo Del Toro's PAN’S LABYRINTH; and shows like Patrick McHale’s OVER THE GARDEN WALL and the Duffer brothers’ STRANGER THINGS. Good comps, but too many - pick two!

I am a young writer living in Fort Collins, Colorado, where I study political economy and environment in graduate school. I have been published in a local magazine and a college literary journal, and I have a minor in creative writing. This project—hopefully—will be my first published novel. Name your college journal and don't bother mentioning that you don't have any novel credits yet - it's assumed.

I hope you will consider FREDERICK AND THE WOODLANDS for representation. Please find the first [] pages below. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.