The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

OUR SECRETS WILL SAVE US is a 72,000-word YA modern-day psychological thriller. Told through multiple points of view over a 2-day period this “whodunit" mystery revolves around small town secrets and the lengths each character takes to keep them hidden. It’s perfect for fans of Holly Jackson’s FIVE SURVIVE and Netflix’s series MURDAUGH MURDERS. Good intro! I typically tell writers to put title, word count, genre, comp titles at the bottom, but you've done a solid job with this and I see no reason to move it.

It’s the night of prom prom night in the small southern southern is implied in naming the state, so you don't need it here town of Foley, Georgia. The high school guests all gather to celebrate the grand finale of the year I'd find a different way to intro this thought, you're basically describing prom, and we all know what that is and everything is going as planned - that is until one of their fellow classmates is found dead.

I'm not sure about the structure that you're using here. Is one of the listed characters below the victim? My initial reaction is that you're listing possible suspects, but then the last sentence implies that one of THEM is going to die... so do two people die, or is there only one death and one of the listed characters is the victim?

It also raises questions about timeline - is this book about the murder, or about figuring out who the killer is? In other words, are we going to see all these characters bouncing off each other, and then the penultimate moment is the murder itself? Or is the murder an early occurrence, and the story is actually about figuring out who did it? You call it a whodunit in the intro para, but if that's the question, then one of these characters has to be searching for the answers - not just being listed as having a motive.

Vivian - the Junior Class President - has worked tirelessly in perfecting the night, but of all people, she knows that nothing is ever as perfect as it seems. That's a pretty broad statement that could mean anything

Walker - the druggy - has one last chance to prove to them all that what happened last year doesn’t define him, that what happened last year should have never happened to him. But what happened last year, and why does it matter now? How does it tie into prom?

Averitt - the musician - has suffered for three years after his best friend’s death, but how can he move on when he is in love with his dead best friend’s sister? But how is that a motive?

Miya - the runner - has learned how to keep her distance, but when an unexpected romance becomes the center of her attention, she will do anything to protect their interracial secret. Definitely interesting, but again, I don't know how this is a motive, partially because I don't know who's dead

Brookyln - the newbie - has moved in with a step-father and step-brother she hates and is desperately searching for a connection - a connection that quickly turns into an obsession. Again, interesting, but all of these feel very disparate. It might be more intersting to trace how they connect, rather than setting each apart

Each of them has a secret. Each of them has a motive. And when each of their secrets begin to collide, someone will not leave prom alive. I like this, but it might work better as a hook!

I think you've created a difficult plot to query, lol! First of all, ask yourself if each of these 5 characters actually needs their own POV. Five is a LOT to juggle and as a first time writer, an agent might question your ability to pull it off. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but I do think it's something of a barrier.

I think your plot sounds interesting, and I love the idea of a prom murder, and each of their secrets being interconnected. That interconnection might be a more interesting way to structure the query, rather than listing characters.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

A work of upmarket fiction, EKPHRASIS is an empathetic novel about art, inspiration, and love that arrives too late. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed Sally Rooney's Conversation with Friends and Lynn Steger Strong's Want. I have to say that generally I tell queriers to put this information - title, genre - at the bottom, but I love the phrase "love that arrives too late." I think it could be a wonderful hook. I am a little leery of calling it an "empathetic" novel, mostly because you're not stating genre here and "empathetic" isn't a genre.

Wynonna Nichols is not an artist. She just recreates the world's great masterpieces for fun after her two little girls go to bed and her husband retires for the night to grade papers. But when she abruptly becomes the sole breadwinner and her boss at Austin's newest art museum learns her secret talent, Wynonna is flung into the spotlight as the star of wholesome videos where she imitates the paintings on screen. This is really good - you've captured a lot by saying a little - she's a mom, she's married to a teacher, life seems a little boring. I don't have any fixes for you here, although I do think you could use a slightly stronger hook, I don't think what you have is weak, by any means though.

Thrown by its immediate popularity, Wynonna can't believe the climbing view count as she slowly falls for her videographer, Julien, a local who cannot stand the changes to his city. Changes like what? Does Wynonna agree? Are they bonding over this? Their chemistry becomes the key to the videos' success, and as their audience rises out of control, not sure about the wording here, as an audience isn't something you could control anyway they find themselves careening toward one another. This is just a statement that might show my ignorance on the matter, but would a videographer be on screen for the audience to see him interacting with W?

For the first time since graduating college, Wynonna finds herself consumed with passion, both for her work and the people around her, but while the world takes notice, fame takes its toll. Millions of strangers adore her, but remorse threatens to destroy everything she loves when she finally gives in to the affair. While her morality wanes, her success grows—articles in Vogue and free trips to Italy, Julien by her side. Where's the remorse coming from? How torn is she? Does she love her husband? Is this an "I love them both?" or is it "I am in love with one and have duties to another?" I'd just like to know more about what exactly she's balancing, as well as how the kids come into it.

Forced to pick between her idyllic life of finger-painting was her life idyllic though? The first para makes her sound mildly bored at home. I think in order to feel the urgency of the choice, we need to know what's being weighed on each side and the all-consuming fervor of Julien, Van Gogh, and Klimt, Wynonna's life spirals out of her hands.

EKPHRASIS is complete at 83,000 words and ready for your consideration.

I am a fourth-generation Austinite with an MFA in screenwriting. This is my first novel.

You don't mention a genre, which is important. This could be a paperback romance, this could be a literary midlife crisis. What does Austin have to do with anything? You mention Julien's issues with it changing, and your own attachement to the city, so it feels like it's important, but I'm not seeing a lot of reason why in the query. Overall this is really well written, we just need a touch more info about what's at stake, and mentioning a genre would be good. I know your comp titles are doing a lot of work in that arena, but a genre is a must.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ten years ago Lucie Elsayed died and returned to life, saved by a bargain between her father and a Persian deity. Really great hook! One minor detail would be to include a slight indication her age, perhaps rephrasing this slightly so that it refers to the father taking the action in order to "save his child" Marked only by her silver hair, Lucie is ignorant of the origins of her rebirth and instead occupied with practicing ballet and attending parties. This is the first indication that the setting is actually the contemporary world. Maybe mention Paris setting sooner. But when a god of wind splits the sky and abducts her father as payment for the deal he made a decade ago, Lucie is plunged into a world of supernatural intrigue lurking beneath the streets of Paris.

Enter Wyatt, a boy with incandescent tattoos and a mandate to safeguard mortals from demons, who recognizes Lucie for what she truly is: an Immortal, a descendent of the same venerable Persian deities who have taken her father. Imbued with superhuman speed and endurance, Lucie must rely on Wyatt’s guidance to master her gifts, though he may be more insufferable than he is charming. Were the powers unknown to her before? Is she shocked? Scared? Feeling blessed? As Lucie delves deeper into the secrets of her family’s past, she suspects that defeat is not an option. If she cannot reclaim her father and unveil her buried heritage, she will lose everything she cares for as Paris is consumed by the forces her family has been bound to for generations. I think we need just a nudge here as to how they are bound. Is she like Wyatt, fighting the demons? Or is her family history tied in a different way?

EMPIRE OF IMMORTALS is the first book in a young adult urban fantasy series set in contemporary Paris and interwoven with Persian mythology. Complete at 89,000 words, it blends the evocative magic of Hafsah Faizal’s We Hunt the Flame with the wit of Tracy Deonn’s Legendborn.

As a Middle Eastern American author with a background in marketing and international relations, I am passionate about sharing the fables of my Persian ancestors. Given your interest in personalization for agent, I believe my manuscript would be a great fit for your list.

Really, really fantastic query here, including the last two paras with the personalization. I think it needs some very minor tweaks, and I would also find a way to make this a standalone with series potential, if at all possible.