The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The world is old, the gods are dying off, and the demons of the Underocean are about to sink the last continent. This is a good hook! You definitely have my attention. Tragic, but none of that is Alonso’s problem. Might not hurt to get a tiny bit of the danger clarified - is there going to be no land anymore? Is everyone effed? His primary concerns are fine-tuning his magical trick cards and saving up to buy his girlfriend’s freedom. From what / who? But when his estranged cousin, Clay, arrests him during a bungled burglary, the world’s problems become far less avoidable.

Demoted after a weaponized artifact shard destroys his sister and his arm, Clay still believes the artifact can defeat the demons if he reunites all the missing pieces. The trouble is, the artifact shard is locked in the same high-security magical facility as Alonso.What's the relationship like between them? You say estranged but that could be by choice, or not. A little clarity on the caper, too - is he trying to save Alonso as well, or is this just a convenience that A is already inside? Even if they do manage to escape with it, there are plenty of demon-corrupted monstrosities, undead gods, and magic-packing militants who will try to stop them – not to mention their uncle, the General, whose respect Clay is desperate to regain and whose disappointment Alonso has been avoiding for years.

Fortunately, Alonso isn’t the only prisoner willing to attempt a jailbreak. His cell block also houses a grouchy mechanic who cracks magical security systems, an anxious girl-monk with extraordinary strength, and an arrogant nun on a mission to save her god. Combining their skills, the five of them might stand a chance of finding the shards, repairing the artifact, and saving the last continent from sinking – if they don’t strangle each other first.

Nice! This is in good shape as it is, but I can rec a few tweaks. As I said before, the relationship between the cousins could use some fleshing out, and Alonso's girlfriend gets totally lost in the shuffle. She was his main priority, but she just kind of poofs. The goals go from REALLY big - save the world! To very specific - get this ONE thing! so, I'd take a moment to tie together how the two things converge to create the plot as a whole. Otherwise, looking good!

NIGHTLIGHT is a 150,000 word fantasy. This is a bit long. Fantasy gets a little room for worldbuiling, but 150k is still a big chunk for a debut. I'd try to get it down to 125 if you can, 100 if at all possible. Combining an unlikely ensemble cast with kaleidoscopic magic, the adventure plays with both humor and heartstrings, perfect for fantasy fans who wish they could read SIX OF CROWS again for the first time.

I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, From what institution? and NIGHTLIGHT is my first novel. Upon request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Six clans are threatening to tear apart. This doesn't work well, in terms of a hook. It doesn't mean anything to me, emotionally. If I said - six people are about to get into a fight - you wouldn't really care a whole lot, b/c you don't know those six people and don't have any connection to them. I also don't know what is being threatened here - a union? each other? And I don't really know why it matters, or what is it stake. The words below will fill me on in that, for sure, but I think you need a better hook.

Saoirse Cavanaugh, heir to the throne of Aineoi, only wants to be blessed with light on her sixteenth birthday. Doesn't really matter to me, b/c I don't know what that means But when she instead finds herself bequeathed with shadows – and therefore unable to claim her inheritance – she flees, terrified of her newfound darkness, leaving her younger sister, Eabha, behind. What does it mean that she was given light instead of darkness? It's an interesting concept, but the worldbuilding isn't present, so I don't know how significant it is, or what it really means.

Despite it being Saoirse’s sixteenth birthday, fifteen-year-old Eabha finds herself bestowed with light, an opposition to her sister’s darkness. Who is bestowing this? Gods? Magic? What does it signify Struggling with her unanticipated power and the burden of what was once Saoirse’s inheritance, she desperately searches for her sister, not physically, I assume? Through what means? all while fighting the encroachment of Dubhian – a rival clan – upon Aineoi, and attempting to battle the growing bond between her and Torin, heir to Dubhian’s throne.

When Saoirse stumbles upon a group of patriots desperate to raise a fallen clan, what does that mean? she realizes that aiding them in their quest to find their lost patron goddesses would perhaps rescind her darkness and bless her with light, and therefore return her to her rightful place as Aineoi’s heir. But fighting against her shadows what does that look like? only allows them to grow claws and teeth and strength to defeat her, and soon the former crown lady odd phrasing here? is trapped in a war against herself.

As both sisters drive towards their seemingly impossible goals, they realize that something far more sinister is simmering beneath the surface of the clans. Secrets have lay forgotten for far too long, and if the sisters don’t uncover answers soon, they risk far more than their inheritance. A new darkness is rising, and this time, light is not enough to stop it. Love this last line, but I think we need more of an idea of what that overall threat is. My advice is to shear down the individual sister's storyline paragraphs, and give more room to the overarching story of this darkness that is rising

SISTERS OF THE NIGHT, an 86,000-word YA fantasy novel inspired by medieval Ireland, will appeal to fans of The Queen’s Rising by Rebecca Ross and Sky In The Deep by Adrienne Young. [personalize letter to agent here]

I live in the South amid the incessant heat, spending my time trying to cram more books into my overflowing shelf while shooing away a spunky dog who loves to pester me while I’m writing. This is my first novel. Bios are tough when you don't have writing credits. I personally think anything cutesy isn't valuable. I know that you have a very Irish name - instead of sharing little personal details that aren't relevant, go for an interest and knowledge of Irish legend and folklore, your own ancestry, etc.

Overall, the writing here is good, but you're relying on the reader having some knowledge of world building that they just don't have - what does it mean to be gifted with light or darkness? Who is gifting this? You use six clans in the hook, but I don't think six are mentioned in the query. I don't know what they are tearing apart, or why it matters. There's too much attention paid to the individual storylines without really showing how they will intersect and come together to culminate in this overall plot - which I really don't have a grasp on at all.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m seeking representation for my Young Adult, Martial Arts version of Science Fiction Trilogy, THE COSMOS WITHIN. I tell pretty much everyone to open with your hook, nothing else. The agent assumes you are seeking representation - they just opened a query letter. Evreryone else also has a title and a genre. Open with something only you have - the hook for your book.

PART ONE: AN EVOLUTIONARY BREAKTHROUGH introduces a phenomenon that redefines our understanding of how the universe works, and the power the mind holds. Opening with the words "part one" implies that this will be a series. YA is a tough world to try to get into, and querying a series isn't the best way to put your foot in the door. If there's any way to make this a standalone with series potential, that's the way you want to go. Also, the way this is being introduced, it's not clear if you're talking about Cosmos as if it is something at work within the real world, or the fictional world you've created. If the reader goes on, it becomes clear. But the truth is they might not go on. Cosmos, given rise by the iconoclastic Leo Cosmos, is the use of thought and intuition to energetically connect with universal intelligence. Properly conceptualized, this awareness enables the user to manipulate their body’s capabilities, sense perception, or a compatible external medium. Okay, but what does this actually mean? It's clear there's a big idea here, and a good vocabulary, but you aren't looking to impress an agent with your personal intelligence right now (that can come in the bio). You need to get their attention with the concept of your book, and right now we're talking about abstracts, and the first character name mentioned doesn't sound like a teenager. Since its discovery, it’s changed how people think, work, and compete. How? I don't actually understand what benefits it brings to the user, by your description above. With its prevalence in sports, a new sport was created where the participant’s use of Cosmos is directly challenged through one-on-one combat.

Erijah Egnight. A cold, headstrong Cosmos athlete, thanks to his coach’s/gay aunt’s recommendation letter to the World Cosmos Association, qualified for the Youth Cosmos Tournament in a Los Angeles arena. This is a super convoluted sentence. And unless the aunt's sexuality plays a role in the plot, mentioning it within the query feels like a word-drop point for inclusion. His intent to win this competition, and eventually, the World Cosmos Championship, stems from a self-redeeming obsession. Following the death of gym mate, he questions his worthiness to use Cosmos, and fears causing another accident. He believes becoming the best Cosmos athlete in the world will leave him no doubt, he is in complete control of Cosmos, and his life. Good motivation and interesting character, but since we don't really understand what Cosmos is / does, it's just somewhat confusing. How did the teammate die? What happened?

After losing the final match of the grueling competition, a girl Erijah’s age approached You don't want to be writing in past tense in a query, in general. It's also not in keeping with the above para him in the arena’s dark hallway whom, to his shock, is the granddaughter of Leo Cosmos. On Leo’s behalf, she suggests he move to LA to learn more about Cosmos under his tutelage. Does this girl have a name? Or is her only interesting point that she is the granddaughter of a male? He stubbornly declines. Why? Minutes later, the well-spoken WCA president Con Vibrato, impressed with his performance, made a similar offer he couldn’t refuse. A sponsorship to attend the school with the best Cosmos team, Leonardo Cosmos Secondary in Los Angeles Too many characters being introduced here that I don't think are actually vital to the plot. Also, it's reading much more like a synopsis than a query, at this point.

In pursuit of Leo’s invaluable knowledge, Then why in the world would he reject the first offer? he moves to LA where meets a diverse group of classmates, each with their own love/hate relationship with Cosmos. Including a girl with a wheelchair and a pair of adopted brothers. Not a full sentence Will they help each other fully grasp this concept, and realize their improbable ambitions? Or will their limiting beliefs keep them blind to the universe’s unparalleled brilliance? Little do they know, Con has a more ‘chaotic’ agenda for them, and knows far more about Cosmos than he should.

Right now there's more concept than plot in here, which isn't good for a query. You don't want to tease a query, and don't want to be vague. I don't know what Erijah wants (if he's in pursuit of Leo's knowledge, why reject the granddaughter?), or what stands in his way of getting it. I don't know what Con's motivation is, or what the chaotic agenda is. In other words, I don't have any idea what the plot might be.

As a Law of Attraction enthusiast, I believe we have more control over the universe than most realize, and can manifest almost anything we want into reality. I don't think that's necessarily an important part of your bio. If the L of A is a basis for Cosmos, use that as a way to describe what it is and how it works within the query. This mindset, along with my time as a highly competitive youth athlete, is my inspiration for this story. As a Metis Canadian with ADHD, I recognize the importance of diversity, and make a point to respectfully express a variety, and commonality, of character backgrounds, motives, challenges and triumphs. This is definitely a positive thing, but those characters aren't getting much room within the query, which undermines your point. I'd keep it to simply stating that you feature a diverse cast. I also love anime, and dream of my stories being showcased through that medium. Unless you are specificlly querying someone in that respect, for that medium, I wouldn't mention it. It would be like querying a novel and stating how much you'd like to see it made into a movie -- that's not the purpose, or the job, of a literary agent, and you're stating excitement outside of the medium that you're asking someone else to invest in.

Major point... you don't have a word count in here. That's a must inside of a query