The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ashra doesn’t believe in ghosts.

Not even when her cybernetic arm starts talking to her with a Southern drawl and a bad mouth. Fantastic hook! My only comment here is to put this altogether as one sentence Ashra doesn't believe in ghosts... not even when

In a world where corporations run the Network, and the Network runs everything—the traffic system, the electricity, the water, even the animals—technology is paramount. But technology is imperfect. Failures happen; code breaks, signals go down, malware gets unleashed. And that’s where Ashra steps in.

As a Hunter, Ashra’s job is to track down rogue tech that have disconnected from the network—the drifters, the critchers, the ghouls and creepers—and eliminate them. When she accepts a case to look into why the fish in Bodega Bay are dying, she expects it to be easy. What she doesn’t expect is to find herself embroiled in a mystery bigger and more sinister than she could have predicted, involving a virus that is spreading through the Network, turning living people into drones.

Thankfully—or unfortunately, depending on who you ask—she’s not alone. By a sick twist of fate, Ashra finds herself saddled with an unexpected companion; a mouthy, charming companion echo here with the word companion, find a different word for one of them by the name of Penny, who after losing her body, uploads her consciousness into Ashra’s cybernetic arm. She’s brash, she’s clever, and she’s the best lead Ashra’s got. If only she would stop flirting with her.

The Ghost in the Machine is an 80k mystery set in a world where science fiction and horror mingle, and romance blooms. Irreverent and dark, it will appeal to fans of Gideon the Ninth and The Murderbot Diaries.

Extremely few nitpicks here. You're in excellent shape - start querying!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

A magical palace. Magic Eaters. A dark family secret. You definitely need a better hook than this. It's just a list of elements that any book could have. What makes your book different?

Ten-year-old Adam is an orphan with snow-white hair and little hope of finding a family because everyone in the adoption centre says he’s cursed. This would actually work well for a hook! That’s until a gnome delivers him a letter from a Gushmar couple—individuals connected to magical monsters. Is this adoption centre in the real world, or a fantasy world? How alarming would it be for a gnome to show up? What do you mean by connection? Do they train them? Battle them? Keep them as pets? Adam learns he’s Gushmar, too, and enrolls in an academy to develop his magic and learn self-defence against the Magic Eaters. What are the Magic Eaters? At the academy, some students’ monsters go into a frenzy and attack each other. What does this have to do with the overall plot? With his two friends, Adam uncovers an evil Magic Eater’s plot to drain Gushmar magic, and must confront the dark part of his peculiar nature and save the Gushmar community. Does he have a dark part? First indicator here.

ADAM RAYAN AND THE CHAMELEON ROOM—If Harry Potter has the dæmons of His Dark Materials—is a 48,000-word Middle-Grade Fantasy with Mystery elements and unexpected twists à la J. K. Rowling. It’s perfect for fans of Nevermoor, and Amari and the Night Brothers, and stands alone with the main plotlines resolved and lays the groundwork for a five-part series. Good comp titles and smart to say it can stand alone or be part of a series. However, I think the similarities between Harry Potter are so strong - magical academy, trio of friends, dark side of narrator - that you may have trouble getting any agent interest.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Three years have passed since the Elvanian King and Queen were found dead in their bedchamber, slaughtered by the rebel group known as the Belladonnas. Nice, this is a good hook that has me interested and sets up the genre Two years since the newly crowned Child Queen invaded Marigold’s home of Muscain and turned the kingdom into a prison. Ten months since Marigold found her parents hanging at the gallows for treason. I don't dislike what you're doing here, style wise, but technically these aren't complete sentences. However, I don't think it's a big bump. I did have to untangle it a little on first read, but I think it works.

One week since her best friend Naomi went missing.

Having already lost everything else — her freedom, her home, her family — Marigold sets off to find Naomi. But her search hits an unexpected bump when a conversation in a tavern implicates her as the accomplice to the very criminal who assassinated the Elvanian Crown all those years ago. I don't know if three years could be described as "all those years ago." Suddenly, Marigold finds herself on the run from the Child Queen, tangled with a rag-tag group of fugitives led by a woman named Viana Nightshade.

Growing up, Marigold knew her as Red Hand — cold-blooded assassin and leader of the Belladonnas. But the more time she spends with Viana, the more she learns that fugitive isn’t all she seems. are you missing "the" before "fugitive?" The stories spun by the Child Queen hide the truth: Viana isn’t just a killer of Kings and Queens, but a daughter of them. A princess playing fugitive, caught on the precipice of a revolution she never meant to start.

A revolution that killed Marigold’s parents, and threatens to swallow Naomi whole.

BLOOD STAINED NIGHTSHADES is a 95,000 YA fantasy novel following five perspectives: the red-handed Princess, the soldier sent to hunt her down, the Prince who tried to save her, the Child Queen abandoned on a cruel throne, and the ordinary girl caught in their intricate web of Royal lies. It is the first in a series.

Hmmm.... so the query itself is great, but then I get to the last para and there are two POV's who aren't even mentioned in the query - the soldier and the Prince. If you're able to write the query without them mentioned, its possible you don't need their POV's in the book, either. I'd reconsider structuring this in a way that makes it possible for you to get all five named POV's mentioned. Also, are all of these POV's teenagers? If some are adults, I'd all this high fantasy, rather than YA.

And last note - YA fantasy is clogged right now, and pitching something as a first in a series is a tough sell as a debut. Consdier if you can structure the book as a standalone, with series potential.