The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I'm currently seeking representation for my debut novel, Standing Darkness. It is a 70,000 word thriller set in Appalachia. It is the first in a planned series, I would only pitch as a standalone with series potential focusing on the central heroine's journey back and forth between law and her family's criminal habits. It is told from the perspective of four major and five minor characters, with a focus on women and their interactions with law enforcement. Are there four narrators? I wouldn't mention POV if there is a single narrator. Right now, this sounds like it has 9 different narrators, which woudln't be a good move for this genre. Also, I typically encourage writers to open with their hook, and put title, word count, etc., at the bottom. Open with the one thing you've got no one else does - your hook.

One night, a man followed June Morgan home from a tent revival. Five years later, the spring thaw is revealing pieces of murdered women along the hillsides of Appalachia. This is a good hook - open with it!

Kentucky State Investigator Gretchen Connor hears about one of these women from her estranged cousin in a West Virginia lockup. They were all busy, respectable and tragic, similar in a sad and indescribable way. I think you need more here - HOW are they similar? Saying it's indescribable isn't a great way for an author to present an element of their story Someone is tearing them apart. Struggling against her doubtful supervisors and a reputation marred by her family's criminal past and present , she enlists the help of retiring FBI agent Charles Yancy to hunt for a killer who leaves very little behind and moves through rough, mysterious terrain with ease. Really, really long sentence here. Break this up. How is the terrain mysterious? If she's a person who is familiar with Appalachia, would she really feel that it's mysterious? As possible cases and clues pile up around them, they struggle to understand what motivates the man they hunt.

Meanwhile, June is starting to receive strange gifts that leave her confused. The local police aren't worried but someone is watching again. This is super vague - what are the gifts, and what does watching again mean?

Standing Darkness is my first foray into fiction as a published legal scholar on the 14th amendment in the Tulane Journal of Law and Sexuality. My 15 minutes of fame already came as a Jeopardy contestant, so I plan to publish under the nom de plume E.A. Cannon. Oh that is super fun!! Love the bio.

Overall, you need more detail in order to distinguish this from any other female detective seeks to catch killer who goes after women narrative. What makes this one different? And what is June like? I don't have a sense of her character here.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Joanne Hoffner is a college graduate excited to start her job as an analyst for the U.S. government. But the posting never mentioned a genie named Bob confined to the center stone of a magic ring. Oh, this is fun! I'd rephrase to be concise on that last line.

Tom and Jerry are two young genies on a quest to free their uncle from this ring. It’s their first time on Earth, and once Joanne introduces them to boba tea, sushi, and Aerosmith, they think Earth’s alright.

When Jerry tries to use magic to get the ring, slightly confusing, as it seemed from the earlier statement that Joanne was in possession of the ring.. how else does she become aware of it? a spell in place to protect government property starts erasing his memory. Only Bob can undo the spell because he once cast it for a wish. Getting confusing here, I'd just say only Bob can do it, but he's blocked from communicating with other genies. However, at what point does this blocking come in? Can he not communciate with is brother? His uncle? All genies? But one thing stands in the way — the ring. It has strict instructions to block contact between Bob and other genies, amongst other genie-specific things. Lucky for them all, Joanne is not a genie.

To rescue her new friend, Joanne must free Bob from the ring by stealing it from the government and finding a renowned genie who can undo the magic on it. Confused about how she comes across the ring in the first place, and why the brothers came to her at all? Worse, this genie is in a different universe filled with nightmarish creatures and other genies with questionable intentions. But she’d better hurry because Jerry is starting to forget Tom, and soon, he’ll forget Bob, too.

THE CHAINED ONE (93,000 words) is an adult sci-fi/fantasy novel that depicts genies as aliens from a different universe. It combines Men in Black and Disney’s Alladin while evoking a sense of whimsical adventure like Brandon Sanderson’s Tress of the Emerald Sea. [custom line for agent]

I have an M.S. from The University of Chicago, where I published two research papers in chemical physics before defecting to industry to write code. These experiences came in handy, though, because the government recruits many scientists to study Bob.

Overall, I think we need to know why Joanne would have any stake in this at all. How does she get involved in this genie quest in the first place? And why does she have any emotional stake in it whatsoever? Is she a loner in the human world? Why would she care about the genie struggles in the first place?

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Everything’s perfect in the Waglan Empire, a thriving futuristic paradise powered by the magical element Elyxir. Money is obsolete, scarcity is a thing of the past, and 12-year-old Jelly has the power to destroy it all. Oh, I like this! Good hook!

THE GREENBLOOD CHRONICLES (complete at 77,000 words) is an upper middle grade fantasy perfect for fans of THE GOLDEN COMPASS and THE MARK OF THE DRAGONFLY. Based on your interest in [insert detail from manuscript wishlist], I think this could be a great fit!

When Jelly is kidnapped Why? Do they know of this power? Do they want to use it? What is the power? What does Jelly want? by the silver-skinned Greenbloods who lurk on the outskirts of the Empire — the same Greenbloods that killed her parents when she was just a baby — it’s up to her brother and their two best friends to save her. So, is Jelly not the main character? It sounds like the POV is with her brother and friends? And it’s not exactly the dream team you’d want on the job with your life at stake. Larry’s afraid of breaking curfew, let alone dealing with bloodthirsty monsters, and Cam’s dead-set on using another one of his harebrained inventions to guide the way. (Oh boy. We all know how FanPants turned out.) Sounds humorous, good voice injection

Meanwhile, in a first-person narrative The way this is written it sounds like only this POV is in first person told in alternating chapters, an unidentified Greenblood tells the story of his father’s abduction and haunting final words: “Find the Greenstone!”

Jelly’s friends journey to find her, and the Greenblood searches for the lost artifact, but as they all get closer, they uncover the dark and twisted truth about the stolen land the Empire stands on and the human cost of that so-called “paradise.” When the stories finally converge and their impossible connection becomes clear, Jelly learns she holds a power that will determine the fate of the Empire, whether she likes it or not. Whatever she does, some will suffer — and now it’s up to Jelly to decide who.

As a high school English teacher, I’ve devoted the past ten years of my life to helping my students tell their stories, and it would be the honor of a lifetime if you’d help me tell mine.

The writing here is good, but the way it comes together is disjointed. I don't know who has a POV. It sounds like the brother and friends have a journey story, but Jelly is pitched as the MC. Is she in captivity the whole time? Her learning about her power seems important to the plot, so I assume she has a POV as well, but then you mention the Greenblood having a POV, so I don't really know how many POV's there are here. Two? Three? Don't use Jelly as the hook if she's not a POV. Otherwise things here are quite strong, although I would adjust the fact that it's multiple POV's to the bottom. Structure would be - hook, Brother / Group POV para, Jelly (if that exists) para, Greenblood POV para, then clarify multiple, alternating POVs at the end.