How It's Different For Women

A few weeks ago I was driving to a speaking engagement and realized I was low on gas. Really low. I tend to do a lot of writing in my head while I drive and that means things like gas levels don't register until the car lets me know there might be an issue.

The nearest gas station was in a not-great part of a not-so-safe town. But my choices were to break down on the freeway, or put on my big girl pants and go get gas and hope that nobody got it into their head to try to take them off of me.

It was fine, nothing happened. I got gas and kept my head up and paid attention to my surroundings and went on without a single incident - not even a catcall. But this post isn't about how what I thought might be an iffy situation turned out to be fine.

It's about the conversation that came about after that.

I was relating this to a friend of mine - male - who is a good friend, and an honestly great person who tends to come down on the same side of most issues as I do. So I was surprised when he said, "You know it's scary for a guy in that situation too, right?"

And yes, it is. I get that.

But here's how it's different.

Assuming the bad-ending result of a man's story who stops at a sketchy gas station is that he is attacked, and let's go ahead and say that he is stabbed as well. Not minimizing anything, this is his fallout:

1) Physical pain, injury and recovery
2) PTSD from being assaulted
3) Loss of money / wallet / concerns of ID theft
4) Loss of masculinity - although, I would argue that since in my scenario his opponent is armed and he is not, this would be minimal. In fact, it may even enhance his masculinity because he's been stabbed.

Here's how it's different for a woman who is raped in the same scenario:

1) Physical pain, injury and recovery
2) PTSD
3) Loss of money / wallet / purse, concerns of ID theft
4) Possible transmission of STD'S, some of which the carrier may have for the rest of their life, and be obligated to inform potential partners of.
5) Possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, that the woman has to decide whether to terminate or not, and suffer the emotional fall out from.
6) The event being present in the minds of both the woman and her partner when they have consensual sex following the attack - and for awhile afterwards, I would assume.
7) Being viewed as "used goods" or "dirty" after the event - both by others and herself.
8) Being viewed as complicit in her own assault:
        Why was she traveling alone?
          Does she not know that's a bad part of town?
          Why didn't she check the gas level sooner?
          What did she think would happen if she stopped there?

Every one of the things listed above has many subcategories, but for the sake of length I'm leaving it at the basics, which as you can see already doubles the male's fallout.

This is why it's different.

Sara Ella On The Author Having Cover Input

I love talking to authors. Our experiences are so similar, yet so very different, that every one of us has a new story to share. Everyone says that the moment you get your cover it really hits you - you're an author. The cover is your story - and you - packaged for the world. So the process of the cover reveal can be slightly panic inducing. Does it fit your story? Is it what you hoped? Will it sell? With this in mind I put together the CRAP (Cover Reveal Anxiety Phase) Interview.

Today's guest for the CRAP is Sara Ella, author of UNBLEMISHED. Once upon a time, Sara Ella dreamed she would marry a prince (just call her Mrs. Charming) and live in a castle (aka The Plaza Hotel). Though her fairy tale didn’t quite turn out as planned, she did work for Disney—that was an enchanted moment of its own. Now she spends her days throwing living room dance parties for her two princesses, and conquering realms of her own imaginings.

Did you have any pre-conceived notions about what you wanted your cover to look like?

Yes! I knew I wanted purple. And not just because it’s my favorite color, but because purple/blue are symbolic in the story. I also knew I wanted my main character’s face on the cover somewhere because her birthmark/blemish is what the book is all about. Oh! And I hoped to have a little piece of NYC displayed since the book begins in the Big Apple. All three wishes came true!

How far in advance from your pub date did you start talking covers with your house?

I had to fill out something called an AMSI (Advanced Marketing and Sales Information sheet) back in September of 2015. So it was over a year before the release date that we started talking covers.

Did you have any input on your cover?

Yes. Lots more than I expected, actually. The AMSI had all sorts of questions regarding fonts, colors, people, places, or things I might like on the cover.

How was your cover revealed to you?

My amazing editor Becky Monds emailed it to me. I was like, “SBDLHASERASHBFK!!!!!!” It was so beautiful! I couldn’t have asked for a better design. I cried.

Was there an official "cover reveal" date for your art?

Yes! I have a YouTube (BookTube) channel so I did a live show cover reveal with my good friend Trina from the BetweenChapters channel. On March 4, 2016 we spent an hour talking about the novel and involving viewers in fun, bookish challenges leading up to the reveal at the end of the show. We topped it off with a giveaway in which six lucky viewers won a signed poster of the cover. It was tons of fun! Here’s the link to the replay if anyone wants to watch it!

How far in advance of the reveal date were you aware of what your cover would look like?

It was about a month before the reveal date that I got to see my cover.

Was it hard to keep it to yourself before the official release?

Um, yes. No, make that YES! I am such a horrible secret keeper, LOL :D I was itching to put that baby up on Twitter or Instagram.

What surprised you most about the process?

How much input I had. They really took my ideas and preferences seriously. I am so blessed to work with such an amazing team.

Any advice to other debut authors about how to handle cover art anxiety?

Don’t be afraid to voice your opinion. The first time I saw my cover there were a couple tweaks I suggested, and my editor took them gladly. If you don’t like something or feel as if something is missing, don’t hesitate to kindly talk to your editor or cover artist about possible changes.

I Menstruate And It's Not A Big Deal

Most of you know I worked full time as a high school librarian for fifteen years. One of the first things I learned was to have an extra pad or tampon in my desk – and they’re not for me.

I can’t tell you how many times girls have come into my office asking if I have something they can use for “…you know.” And of course I do, no matter whether they’re a student I get along with or not, and in the moment when I hand that “something” over we’re not a student and a staff member anymore – we’re just two women.

It’s a phenomenon I’ve noticed before, as a college student or in my early twenties, in bathrooms of bars or a club when a perfect stranger’s hand sticks into my stall door from under the divider and says, “Hey, sorry. But do you have… something?” And again at the changing of hands, she’s not a stranger even if I never see her face. We’re just two women.

So why even among women do we struggle to say the word “pad” or “tampon?” Why do we slide them inside our sleeve or crush them in our fists as we walk to the bathroom so that no one will know that we’re menstruating? The fact that we shed our uterine lining means that we’re able to continue the human race, grow the next generation inside our bodies. But we’ve been taught that it’s bad, scary, shameful, dirty, or even gross.

In Biblical times a menstruating woman was considered unclean, and as a culture we haven’t come terribly far. In March of 2015, poet and artist Rupi Kaur posted a photo on her Instagram account of herself, curled up in bed, having bled through her pants. The photo was promptly flagged by users as offensive, and quickly removed from Instagram for violating community standards. Anyone who is familiar with Instagram knows you don’t have to wander far or scroll long to find any variety of explicit photos. Yet a fully clothed woman with a spot of blood on her pants caused an uproar.

Menstruation is not always met with disgust, but sometimes simple ignorance is to blame. I remember being in grade school and hearing about an older girl that had to be sent home early because she got her period in choir. The story had made some rounds by the time it reached the fifth graders, so the way we heard it, the girl had covered a chair in blood, gone home and had her period seven more times. They didn’t know if she was going to make it.

That one can be chalked up to the innocence of childhood, but I’ve had some dumbfounding experiences with adult males that can’t be so easily excused. When my boyfriend of nine years and I combined households, he soon learned that his sheets were our sheets. And our sheets have bloodstains. On all accounts he is a wonderful, kind, lovely person, who nicely asked me if I could possibly “wear something to bed to stop that from happening.”

To which I explained. “Honey, I am. You should see what would happen if I didn’t.”
“Really?” he asked. “It’s like that?”
“Yeah, honey. It’s like that.”

This came from a man in his late thirties who grew up with three older sisters. Even in a household of women, menstruation remained a mystery.

A few years ago a well-meaning man advised me not to venture into my garden during my time of the month, because it would make the pickles wilt. I told him that might not be the best gardening advice I’d ever heard but it was certainly a wonderful metaphor.

In 1892 famed axe-killer Lizzie Borden murdered her father and step-mother, yet when questioned about a spot of blood on her hemline by the police, she informed them it was from a “flea bite,” a euphemism at the time for menstrual blood. The officers promptly dropped that line of questioning, too mortified to continue. Lizzie was exonerated for lack of evidence.

Today we call that “getting out of gym class.”

As a YA author I’m often asked if I find myself restrained by the parameters of writing for teens, in terms of censorship. If you’ve read anything I’ve written then you’re probably aware the answer is “not really,” and – as I keep telling everyone – if I haven’t shocked you yet, just wait for the next one.

However, in an earlier draft of my debut NOT A DROP TO DRINK there was a mention of how my main character, Lynn, and her mother, handled menstruation in the post-apocalypse. Early readers asked me if that was really necessary as some might find it offensive. Being a new writer who only wanted to please, I chose to remove it. Looking back, I question how a book that opens with a nine year old shooting someone in the head in defense of her water source crossed the line by mentioning menstruation.

So where do we go from here? If red tents, axe-murders and wilted pickles litter the past what can we do in the present? Start by saying “pad” or “tampon” out loud, not asking for “something” because “you know.” Don’t be afraid to say menstruation, it’s not a dirty word. Don’t be ashamed to go into the store just to get a box of pads or tampons, because guys make that trip for condoms without thinking twice. Talk to your daughters openly about it, and – talk to your sons, too, so that their girlfriend doesn’t look at them like they’re stupid when they’re almost forty.