The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am sending my YA Paranormal Mystery, XXXX, for your consideration. I found your profile through “applicable info here” and hope my work will resonate with you.

After a soul-crushing ice-hockey finals loss and surviving a near fatal bus accident, sixteen-year-old Roman Walker suffers from a head wound and a bruised ego. This is a well written hook, but it doesn't give us any indication of what genre this could be. I'm pulled in enough to keep reading, but I think you need something more to pack a punch. He returns to his childhood home in Howick Assuming this is a South African location, due to your bio. You will want to clarify this, as most US readers wouldn't be able to infer it to convalesce at his grandfather’s house while his parents go away on business. This falls into the "easily gotten rid of parents" trope in YA, so you might want to find a better method for dispensing of them. Would they really leave Roman alone after sustaining a serious head injury? His quiet retreat soon becomes anything but.

Roman is set on edge when he starts seeing glimpses of ghosts around Howick: at the cemetery, the surrounding woods, even the local teen hangout. Not all of them look friendly—the worst ones are black, veil-like spirits that seem to tear into his mind What does this mean? He's doing more than just "seeing" them if there's an interaction. and frighten him to the core. To his surprise, he manages to talk to one of the ghosts—a teenage girl. She warns him to not let the others know what he can see, but before he can get more out of her, she vanishes. Shortly after, he comes across the girl’s face again: on a missing persons poster, next to many others. He begins to investigate the mystery behind a series of missing teens, finding cases going back decades. Roman’s unease grows, along with a feeling of being targeted, as he starts seeing more of the veil-like spirits around town. This leads him to uncover a centuries-old myth of an immortal, malevolent entity that marks her victim’s forehead with an ‘invisible’ X before taking them on a new moon each June—which is only a few days away. Interesting. I like it, but again, there's the conveneint "ghost disappears right before divulging something important" element.

Roman’s fears demand action when a new friend winds up with a blazing X above her eyes that only he can see. With the help of a diverse cast of eccentric characters (both living and not-so-living), Roman will have to race against the clock and keep his friend out of the clutches of encroaching evil, while searching for a way to confront a force that's been collecting souls for ages … and seemingly cannot be stopped. Not bad, overall. I think the title XXXX is probably working against you - I read it as simply a placeholder at first. Also, does this malevolent ancient spirit have a name? Is it based on something real? If so, name it. Also, just claiming you have a case of eccentric characters doesn't quite cut it. Listing two of three would be good. And who is this friend? Does she matter? Is there a romance? It's hard to feel any concern for someone who isn't important enough to garner a name drop in the query.

XXXX is a complete standalone novel at 93,000 words with series potential. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the spooky mystery of Harrow Lake, the cinematic narrative of the Road to Ever After, and fans of stories following the bonding of friends around supernatural forces in small town settings, like Stranger Things.

As for myself, I grew up in a blue-collar town behind mine dumps in South Africa, where getting mugged, chased by men with pangas, and being shot at, was just part of day-to-day life. I now live in England with my partner and daughter, exploring places of lore and absorbing the creative spirit of this beautiful land. I've also worked in the independent film industry and have had two of my screenplays turned into feature films. Good bio. It sets you up as being the proper person to use the setting, but again, you'll need to clarify that Howick is in South Africa for the bio to hit home.

In My Mother’s Footsteps: A Palestinian Refugee Returns Home

by Mona Hajjar Halaby

As a small child when I walked about with my mother, I always clutched her hand and let her guide me. It was smooth and easy, like gliding on ice. Looking up at her from my tiny stature was like beholding a superhero by my side; Mama was larger than life.

Her handgrip was firm and decisive, like she meant business, like she knew where she was going, yet it was also warm and tender, like “I love you, and I’ll take care of you.” The puffiness of her palm reminded me of a loaf of warm pita bread, and when she laced her fingers into mine like a pretzel, I felt safe. I would have walked with her to the ends of the earth.

Nothing could pry us apart, except that life happened, and when I grew up we found ourselves worlds apart. In my twenties, I moved away from home in Geneva, Switzerland, and settled in California, USA, to be with the man I loved and to pursue my graduate studies. Mama, on the other hand, a Palestinian refugee in exile from her homeland, remained in Geneva with my father and sister.

Even though I wasn’t born in Palestine, my mother fed me stories about her childhood and youth, and I grew up knowing that Palestine ran in my blood. I was enamored by the joyful and exotic life my mother led in Jerusalem, by the happy days that came crumbling down when she lost her home during the Arab-Israeli War of 1948.

I also visited Palestine repeatedly, but never lived in my homeland, until 2007 when the Ramallah Friends School (RFS) in the Israeli Occupied Territories invited me—a teacher by profession—to train their faculty for one year in the facilitation of class meetings and non-violent communication, my specialties. I was hired to teach the students how to problem-solve and resolve their conflicts in a direct and peaceful manner. That year, I grew as a teacher while witnessing firsthand the effects of the Israeli Occupation on school-age children.

Living in Ramallah, I had come to know every corner of Palestine like the palm of my own hand. By the time my mother joined me for that epic visit, I was a woman in my fifties, and Mama had grown old with signs of an arthritic body and a fuzzy memory. She held my hand, or walked arm in arm with me, as I helped her negotiate the narrow cobblestone alleys of the Old City and streets of Lower Baq’a in West Jerusalem. Years ago, I had dreamed of being guided by Mama down the souqs of the Old City and the leafy streets of her neighborhood. I wanted to glide on ice with her again and feel her decisive and confident stride. But alas, it was not to be. Now with our roles reversed, I had become her legs and her memory.

My book is a memoir in two voices, my mother’s and my own, the past and the present intertwined. She wrote me letters during my year in Ramallah: letters that told her story, her love of Jerusalem, and her loss of Jerusalem. I’ve included her letters in my book, because my narrative wouldn’t be complete without my mother’s voice.

Mona Hajjar Halaby is the author of In My Mother's Footsteps: A Palestinian Refugee Returns Home, which interweaves the story of her mother's life and her own sabbatical year teaching conflict resolution in Ramallah. She is currently working on her next book about growing up in Alexandria, Egypt in the 1950s.