The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

As far as Seventeen-year-old Jayniss knows, she grew up in the last remaining human settlement on Earth in a pocket of wilderness that used to be urban Pennsylvania. I don't think you need to clarify that this information is as far she knows. If she's going to learn otherwise as part of the plot, I think it's adding to word count unnecessarily One hundred million years ago, an asteroid struck Earth, decimating nearly all life except an emergency bunker of US government officials and a hearty Amazon Rainforest lizard species. Afterward, while the humans attempted to reclaim Earth, the lizard which evolved into the terrosaur, a species similar to dinosaurs, though much larger, fiercer, and more intelligent. This might need some clarification - larger, fiercer, and more intelligent than ALL dinosaurs? It might be better to pick a specific type of dinosuar The terrosaurs spread throughout the Americas, greatly inhibiting humans’ growth. Jayniss’s settlement exists only because a species of incredibly tall, thick trees congests its borders, making it rare for a terrosaur to penetrate them.

But one day, Jayniss accidentally strikes and kills a baby terrosaur with her father’s pickup truck. Just a quick world building note here - gasoline loses viability eventually, so unless this bunker has it's own method of creating gasoline, or this truck is not powered by fossil fuel, this doesn't work Upon inspection, the lizard appears to have a barcode imprinted on its thigh, meaning a lifeform advanced enough to brand the lethal beasts exists somewhere out in the wild. Jayniss figures if her settlement can somehow make contact with this lifeform, it might abolish the terrosaur threat so humans can evolve again. But why would she think that this other settlement has interest in abolishing terrosaurs in the first place? The barcode indicates nothing other than the existence of an intelligent species - not their intentions.

But before she can inform the mayor about her discovery, a tribe of terrosaurs attacks the village in retaliation, forcing everyone to flee. What happened to the protective trees? Nobody can ever return either, as the terrosaurs will remember where they lived. That seems terribly plot convenient Now Jayniss must try to contact the advanced lifeform in the wild in the hopes it will help her and her settlement’s survivors restore their society and maybe even evolve again What does this mean? How have humans evolved?—before they all become terrosaur grub, or worse.

It's an interesting plot, but it feels unexplored within the query. Is contacting the other civilization really the only goal within the story? Do they make contact and find out that the other people aren't what they were hoping for? We also need to know more about Jayniss in general - what's her character like? I don't have any feel for who she is as a person. Scrappy? Scared? Willful? Quiet? I have no idea based on what's here.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

My name is (redacted). I am seeking representation for JUST ANOTHER CLICHED STORY, my debut romance novel. You really don't need to tell them your name, or the fact that you are seeking representation. Your name will be included in the sender section of the email, and they assume that you're emailing them seeking rep. You also don't need to mention that this is your debut. If you don't have publishing credits, it's an assumed. Start with the strongest thing you've got - your hook.

Friends with benefits is such a cliché. Jason and Christie refuse to be one. So are they already sleeping together? Or do they start the story as just friends? Christina’s big dream is to be an interior designer. When she got be careful wtih your tenses, this is past tense. Some of your tenses throughout are present, and some are past. I would keep everything in present a proposition to work as such in New York City, she didn’t hesitate and left Bulgaria. Jason is a cook at heart, but in reality he is a millionaire’s son set to inherit his father’s company. They have nothing in common, until now. If they have nothing in common, why are they friends in the first place? Christie and Jason got cheated on on awkward phrasing the same day and spent the night together.

Christie doesn’t plan to meet Meet? Like ever cross paths again, or she doesn't want this to turn into a romantic relationship? You start the query by inferring that they are friends, then claim they have nothing in common, and now seem to be saying they're never going to see each other again at all, which doesn't track if they are friends him again, but fate has other plans for her. When she shows up to meet her new client at his penthouse overlooking Central Park, she is surprised to find out that he is Jason. Although, he is a little mad at her for leaving without saying goodbye, he tries to impress her with his strongest asset – his cooking skills. It turns out that the way to Christie’s heart is paved with delicious Bulgarian dishes cooked by an incredibly sexy American He's an American, but they met in Bulgaria? Confused. chef. While they try to navigate their relationship, Christie’s ex boyfriends’ sister comes to live with her for the summer. Um... why? What could go wrong?

Coming up with stories was my favorite game when I was little. My grandmother used to type them on her old typewriter. My passion for writing took me to the University where I studied Linguistics with IT, learning the magic of translation. I have completed an internship at Future House Publishing, specializing in acquisitions. Today, I am a freelance writer, book blogger and beta reader. I have a little happy place on Instagram called the_librarians_granddaughter (fun fact: my grandfather was indeed a librarian), where I share my love for books. Unless that Instgram account has a lot of followers (20k+) I wouldn't bother mentioninig it. It's also not terribly relevant if your grandmother was a librarian, or that you were led into your love of reading by her. Don't get me wrong, it's really cool, but it doesn't have anything to do with the story that you've written, and therefore is irrelevant in the bio. Keep your bio to your publishing credentials.

There are a lot of things I'm confused about here. Are they friends first, or not? Why was he in Bulgaria in the first place? Why wouldn't she want to be in a relationship with him? Was this work before pleasure, or just, I don't want to be a cliche? It doesn't sound like anything at all is standing in the way of their relationship once they reconnect in America. The ex bf's sister coming to live with her is just weird. I need a very real, very plausible reason why that would be happening, but there also needs to be a reason why that would interfere with her current relationship.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

"When the Devil Wants to Hide, He Disappears in Plain Sight." Unsure why this is in quotes? Are these your original words? If so, they shouldn't be in quotes, because that makes it seem like you are referencing someone else's work. As a hook, it's not bad, but I'd ditch the quotes if it's your own wording.

Over millennia, Lucifer Morningstar has transformed from heaven's rebel to puppet master, manipulating realms and beings alike. Six thousand years ago, to strengthen his rebellion, he gave humans a taste of the divine from the Fountain of Eden. Now, appearing to have met his end, his death is but a ruse that has sparked a series of events beyond mortal comprehension. You're making a lot of references here to Christian mythology and relying on Biblical knowledge that the reader might not have. It's well written, but I have to culturally read between the lines to know what you are referencing. A reader who isn't already familiar with the origin of Satan and the Fall, won't understand. Also, how has Lucifer met his end? What happened?

Three souls find themselves entangled in Lucifer's intricate web: What's Lucifer's end goal? What does he want? How does this web work and what's the end game?

Amadioha Kamanu, a fierce leader in Niri's war against the oppressive Vodun nation, is on the brink of a revolution. Internal, external, both? But as he contends with internal betrayals and a fragmented alliance, he must discern friend from foe and question his own motivations in a war that continually reshapes him. Sounds like both. I also think we need more detail here. We've got good guys, bad guys, revolution, a conflicted leader... what makes this different from every other story that has these things?

Ikenga Umoren, willing to break the holiest edicts for love, inadvertently unleashes Eshm, a formidable spirit, setting off a tragic chain of events. As he grapples with the dire consequences, a sinister shadow suggests he's but a pawn in a much grander game. Again, too vague. I don't know why Ikenga did this other than general "love," or what this chain of events is, let alone the consequences.

Major Lilith Saeon, a dedicated officer of Hell's Masina Army, is unjustly framed for Lucifer's supposed death. Her fierce loyalty to her homeland wavers as she's thrust into a whirlwind of treachery. Again, need more. I think it's interesting to include a character on the "wrong" side, so we need to know more about who she is, not just plot points

As events unfold, the true depth of Lucifer's plans becomes apparent. The Arch Angels might have forgotten about him, but he has not forgotten about them. With multiple realms at the brink of upheaval, the eternal dance of light and shadow prepares for its most tumultuous performance. Everything is well written and interesting, but it's all too vague. What does this boil down to? Good vs. evil. We know this story, it's all stories. What is distinct and different about these characters? This plot? What are the events that are unfolding?

With the intricate weaving of divinity and deception reminiscent of Neil Gaiman's "American Gods" and the deep exploration of African mythologies akin to Marlon James' "Black Leopard, Red Wolf," "The Eden Ruse" is a 110k-word narrative that invites readers to question the boundaries of good and evil. Great comp titles and an awesome closing para here, but you need a stated genre. I think the concept is interesting and your writing is good, but everything is vague, so nothing stands out.

"The Eden Ruse" is my debut fiction, enriched by 15 formative years in Nigeria and two decades in the U.S. I have uniquely woven these cultural tapestries into a narrative unlike any other. Get this personal info into the para above. Your relevant experience is important, although you don't need to state that it's your debut. Also, I wouldn't claim it's a narrative unlike any other - the query isn't holding up to that. Show us that in the query, rather than telling us in the closing line.

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