The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ethan Wells, a lonesome young man living in a secluded manor with his fanatically Christian mother, finds enjoyment in very few things, but one of them is an old Jest magazine that evokes forbidden sensations in him. What are those sensations? Lust? Hinting at things isn't a good idea in a query. You need to come out and say it. Also, having an idea of how old Ethan is and where this manor is located would be good.

When one of his emotions, Love, comes to life, he is finally able to have the experiences of a normal youth. What does this mean? Comes to life inside of him? Or outside of him, like he's interacting with a real person? What are the experiences of a normal youth? Sex? Again, come out and say it.

But Ethan discovers that the human mind is a multifarious place, and the arrival of Love has also enabled the emergence of something sinister, a memory almost forgotten. Like what? I don't have any sense of a plot here.

Such is the story in the book I recently completed, entitled The Ones Who Linger, my debut romantic horror novel set in a Gothic manor hidden in the forests of 1970s rural Oregon. Get those details in the beginning In this retelling of Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid, the creepiness of made-up monsters taking on a life of their own in Keith Donohue’s The Boy Who Drew Monsters meets the personification of human emotions seen in Pixar’s Inside Out and the romance between a human man and a sexy pin-up style drawn fantasy character as depicted in Ralph Bakshi’s Cool World. You're using comp titles to try to explain elements of the book, but what's happening is that it just sounds like you mashed a bunch of different things together. I don't know what the plot is, I don't know how these things are related to each other, and I don't know that this is offering anything new.

The Ones Who Linger, complete at approximately 80,000 words, tells of a young man’s path towards escape from his fanatically religious household and mindset. It grapples with the topics of unrealistic ideas about human bodies, the realization of one’s sexuality, and how the often unpunished sexual abuse by Christian authorities impacts the mental health of a victim. It will appeal to fans of Neil Gaiman and Silvia Moreno-Garcia. My real name is REDACTED, but I would like to publish this book under the pen name REDACTED. What's his path towards escape? What's the role of Love? How does sexual abuse fit in? Again, these are just a list of themes, and I have no idea what the plot of the actual book is. Don't worry about telling them you'd like to publish under a pen name, that's a detail that comes much later.

Although I unfortunately possess no writing credentials or accomplishments, this story draws on the true experience of my grade school friend who was sexually harassed by the local pastor, my own realization of my bisexuality, and the close-mindedness of the small, devout Christian Slovakian town community I grew up in, which regarded my family’s atheism very negatively. If you're basing part of this story on someone else's life, you might need to look into the legalties of doing so. And again, you're listing themes and concepts, but not telling me what they have to do with the plot. You also don't need to indicate that you have no writing credentials. If they're not included, it's assumed.

I have included an excerpt from my book, and I hope it will be enough to make you want to immerse yourself in my story. Don't include pages unless the agent specifically asks for the first however many as part of their submission guidelines. Be sure to check guidelines for each agent that you query.

Right now this query reads as a list of themes, concepts, and elements from other stories. I don't know the plot. What's at stake? What does Evan want, and what is stopping him from getting it?

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for THE GRIM UP NORTH, a supernatural detective novel. I advise everyone to open with their hook, and skip anything else. The fact that you're writing to them seeking representation is an assumed.

The dead speak to David Teasdale – in fact, they never shut up.This is a great hook, so you need to put this front and center Ever since his father slit his own throat after stabbing David and killing his brother, David’s heard ghosts. The inciting incident (and obvious trauma included, I'm sure) is a good thing to have here, but this second sentence at the end tells us the same thing that the opening six words do. Also, the slightly jokey voice of they never shut up feels at odds with the very heavy suicide and child murder that follows that up. You'll need to decide what's a better representation of the voice of the book - humor nods, or heavy dark shit - and pare down on the one that doesn't fit best.

Spooks, spectres, phantoms, phantasms, whatever you want to call them, he calls them annoying. For twenty-five years since that night, David has been trying to drown out the spooks’ whining, incessant voices with whatever comes in a bottle and costs less than a fiver – Special Brew, mouthwash, nail polish remover, he’s undiscerning. I think you need to combine these opening two paras, and slim down on the description of the child murder to buy you some more space, and get the setup in the first para, then move us into the actual plot, below

David’s daily routine from his flat to the alley behind the Cash and Carry is disturbed when a spectre claiming to be his brother floats through his door with a warning. Is he an actual detective? Like a PI? Does his ability to hear the dead benefit that? Clarify In five days, a bloodthirsty spirit of vengeance will rip through the streets of Newcastle in search of those that killed him.

To stop an impending massacre and rid himself of his curse Why would stopping the massacre rid him of the curse?, David agrees agrees with who? to hunt and kill the perpetrators What perpetrators? before delivering their souls to hell. But in the course of justice, David will be shot at, stabbed (again), possessed and have his testicles dangled over a meatgrinder in a journey that will take him to hell and back.

It’s at times like these that David remembers what his dad said to him and his brother before he went bonkers: “It’s grim up north, lad.” IDK if you need this last little para. I know it's there to explain the title, but if an agent is interested they will request, title nonwithstanding, and the last line of the previous para is a better ending point

The novel is complete at 88,000 words and combines our love of pavement-hitting gumshoes and all things spooky. THE GRIM UP NORTH contains the nerve-shredding mystery of Stacy Willingham’s ALL THE DANGEROUS THINGS with a twist of the gothic richness of Johnny Compton’s THE SPITE HOUSE.

This is a stand-alone work with the potential to continue David’s journeys into the world beyond.

The idea here is solid and most of it is pretty good, you just need to pare down the first two paras into one and clarify on the points I have questions about.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to you in the hopes of receiving representation for my middle grade and older historical fantasy novel, "The Fairies in the Window." (How I learned about them/good fit/maybe some comparisons?) "Fairies in the Window," is an 80,681 word novel that tells the story of two generations of girls and women as they each confront difficult trials in their own times and discover the true strength that lies within themselves. I always say you need to open with the hook, not the statement that you are writing in the hopes of representation - they know that, it's an assumed. A title, word count, and genre / age cateogry are something that everyone has. You need to start with what only you have - the hook for your book. Also, categorizing your readership as MG and older doesn't do you any favors. You need to know whether this is MG or YA. Upper MG is also a totally fine thing to say, however your word count is high for MG, which tops out around 70k

This is my third and most personal novel to date. This isn't a hook. You need to open with a line that tells the agent something imperative and plot-centric to the story, not yourself The story is divided into two time periods. A portion of the narrative is told through the eyes of my maternal grandmother and tells her story of survival during the Holocaust as a nine-year-old girl from Romania. I weave several stories from her personal account with those of other Romanian Jews who were forced on a death march in winter to a concentration in Ukraine. The fictional element is found in the friendship my grandmother finds in a lost Fairy Queen. A friendship so strong that enables them both to survive. In the present, two young girls, fictionalized versions of my own daughters, become enthralled by their father's tales of Fairies who live behind their house's attic window. A story, unbeknownst to their father is actually true. Through a series of misadventures, the girls discover the daughter of the same Fairy Queen that had befriended my grandmother has arrived in our world on a dangerous mission of mercy. This Fairy Princess, Calla, and her four friends, need to find the token her mother had entrusted to my grandmother’s care during the Holocaust, for with that long lost token, Calla can discover the location of her lost mother. And only her mother knows the spell that rescue her people from the invading hordes of the Fomor.

This whole paragraph is from your persepctive and is focused mostly on you, and how you are personally tied to the story. Quite frankly, the agent or editor doesn't really care. They want to know the plot of the book, not how it's relevant to you, or how it's based on elements of your life and family history. That is of interest, but can be easily summarized with a single line at the bottom such as this story is deeply personal, as it utilizes elements of my grandmother's experiences..., etc Other than that, all the personal elements here, including the fact that the other protaganists are your daughters, isn't really relevant to portraying what the story is actually about. If you look at this, you don't even mention what any of the characters are named, they are simply identified by their relationship to you.

My previous two novels, one of which has been self-published on Amazon, were mythological fantasy novels geared towards a YA audience.Unless they have very fantastic sales and thousands of reviews, mentioning self-published novels won't benefit you I was motivated to write for a younger audience when I learned during the pandemic that a large number of American children had never even heard of the holocaust. As Jewish American, I felt obligated to do my part to make sure this dark period of human history is never forgotten so it can never be repeated. I had also always wanted to write my grandmother's story. She was only nine years old when she was forcibly marched through snow in Romania to a concentration camp in the Ukraine. An important story I felt compelled to write. This is definitely a stand alone story but has great potential for a series. I would love to write a trilogy of novels with each focused on addressing a social justice issue in a way that kids can fully grasp and appreciate. I believe some of the best and most enduring stories teach as much as they entertain. Again, this is a lot of information about you - what you've written in the past, what motivated you to write this, what you'd like to write in the future. A query needs to be about the story that you are querying, with (at the most) a three line bio at the bottom, which would include any references to personal ties to the story. You need to go back to the drawing board with this and rewrite a query that focuses on the plot, the characters, and the question of what is at stake in the story.