The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I'm currently seeking representation for my debut novel, Standing Darkness. It is a 70,000 word thriller set in Appalachia. It is the first in a planned series, I would only pitch as a standalone with series potential focusing on the central heroine's journey back and forth between law and her family's criminal habits. It is told from the perspective of four major and five minor characters, with a focus on women and their interactions with law enforcement. Are there four narrators? I wouldn't mention POV if there is a single narrator. Right now, this sounds like it has 9 different narrators, which woudln't be a good move for this genre. Also, I typically encourage writers to open with their hook, and put title, word count, etc., at the bottom. Open with the one thing you've got no one else does - your hook.

One night, a man followed June Morgan home from a tent revival. Five years later, the spring thaw is revealing pieces of murdered women along the hillsides of Appalachia. This is a good hook - open with it!

Kentucky State Investigator Gretchen Connor hears about one of these women from her estranged cousin in a West Virginia lockup. They were all busy, respectable and tragic, similar in a sad and indescribable way. I think you need more here - HOW are they similar? Saying it's indescribable isn't a great way for an author to present an element of their story Someone is tearing them apart. Struggling against her doubtful supervisors and a reputation marred by her family's criminal past and present , she enlists the help of retiring FBI agent Charles Yancy to hunt for a killer who leaves very little behind and moves through rough, mysterious terrain with ease. Really, really long sentence here. Break this up. How is the terrain mysterious? If she's a person who is familiar with Appalachia, would she really feel that it's mysterious? As possible cases and clues pile up around them, they struggle to understand what motivates the man they hunt.

Meanwhile, June is starting to receive strange gifts that leave her confused. The local police aren't worried but someone is watching again. This is super vague - what are the gifts, and what does watching again mean?

Standing Darkness is my first foray into fiction as a published legal scholar on the 14th amendment in the Tulane Journal of Law and Sexuality. My 15 minutes of fame already came as a Jeopardy contestant, so I plan to publish under the nom de plume E.A. Cannon. Oh that is super fun!! Love the bio.

Overall, you need more detail in order to distinguish this from any other female detective seeks to catch killer who goes after women narrative. What makes this one different? And what is June like? I don't have a sense of her character here.

Enter to Win A Signed Copy of Under This Red Rock

Award-winning author Mindy McGinnis delivers a powerful psychological thriller, deftly exploring the dark places in the earth and the human mind, where what is real and imaginary isn’t so easily distinguishable.

Neely’s monsters don’t always follow her rules, so when the little girl under her bed, the man in her closet, and the disembodied voice that shadows her every move become louder, she knows she’s in trouble.

With a history of mental illness in her family, and the suicide of her older brother heavy on her mind, Neely takes a job as a tour guide in the one place her monsters can’t follow—the caverns. There she can find peace. There she can pretend to be normal. There . . . she meets Mila.

Mila is everything Neely isn’t—beautiful, strong, and confident. As the two become closer, Neely’s innocent crush grows into something more. When a midnight staff party exposes Neely to drugs, she follows Mila’s lead . . . only to have her hallucinations escalate.

When Mila is found brutally murdered in the caverns, Neely has to admit that her memories of that night are vague at best. With her monsters now out in the open, and her grip on reality slipping, Neely must figure out who killed Mila . . . and face the possibility that it might have been her.

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The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Joanne Hoffner is a college graduate excited to start her job as an analyst for the U.S. government. But the posting never mentioned a genie named Bob confined to the center stone of a magic ring. Oh, this is fun! I'd rephrase to be concise on that last line.

Tom and Jerry are two young genies on a quest to free their uncle from this ring. It’s their first time on Earth, and once Joanne introduces them to boba tea, sushi, and Aerosmith, they think Earth’s alright.

When Jerry tries to use magic to get the ring, slightly confusing, as it seemed from the earlier statement that Joanne was in possession of the ring.. how else does she become aware of it? a spell in place to protect government property starts erasing his memory. Only Bob can undo the spell because he once cast it for a wish. Getting confusing here, I'd just say only Bob can do it, but he's blocked from communicating with other genies. However, at what point does this blocking come in? Can he not communciate with is brother? His uncle? All genies? But one thing stands in the way — the ring. It has strict instructions to block contact between Bob and other genies, amongst other genie-specific things. Lucky for them all, Joanne is not a genie.

To rescue her new friend, Joanne must free Bob from the ring by stealing it from the government and finding a renowned genie who can undo the magic on it. Confused about how she comes across the ring in the first place, and why the brothers came to her at all? Worse, this genie is in a different universe filled with nightmarish creatures and other genies with questionable intentions. But she’d better hurry because Jerry is starting to forget Tom, and soon, he’ll forget Bob, too.

THE CHAINED ONE (93,000 words) is an adult sci-fi/fantasy novel that depicts genies as aliens from a different universe. It combines Men in Black and Disney’s Alladin while evoking a sense of whimsical adventure like Brandon Sanderson’s Tress of the Emerald Sea. [custom line for agent]

I have an M.S. from The University of Chicago, where I published two research papers in chemical physics before defecting to industry to write code. These experiences came in handy, though, because the government recruits many scientists to study Bob.

Overall, I think we need to know why Joanne would have any stake in this at all. How does she get involved in this genie quest in the first place? And why does she have any emotional stake in it whatsoever? Is she a loner in the human world? Why would she care about the genie struggles in the first place?