The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for “Bennie’s House,” an 80,800-word You can just round this to 80k YA/adult It can't be YA/adult. It's YA or it's adult. It can be upper YA, but it can't be both. gay romantasy comparable to They Both Die at the End, by Adam Silvera, Yesterday Is History, by Kosoko Jackson, and We Are the Ants, by Shaun David Hutchinson.

In 2024, fifteen-year-old Dylan is in love with Gavin, but is too shy to tell him. Hoping to enlighten him, Dylan takes him to his Uncle Henry’s house to hear “the coolest story ever told”… I have a hard time imaagining a teen boy being into going to someone elses' uncle's house to hear a cool story

…which is the inner story, set in 1976 when Henry is an insecure and bookish fourteen year old with a pretty girlfriend. On his first day of tenth grade, he meets Jack, a handsome, amiable new student, and is flooded with confusing and contradictory thoughts and sensations that he can’t acknowledge, let alone understand. Not coincidentally, on the same day, to avoid a bully on the bus, Henry walks home through a wood and happens upon a strange old house and Bennie, the eccentric old man who lives there. Bookended stories (a story within a story) can work or not work, depending up on how necessary the bookends are. Also, the 1976 story feels like it's following the 2024 story a little too closely - closeted gay teen / an empathetic person's house

From the moment Henry meets Bennie, everything about him and his house feels comfortable and familiar, from the things Bennie says to the furniture and photos on the walls to all of his favorite snacks in Bennie’s kitchen, and Bennie seems to know things about Henry that he couldn’t possibly know. With Bennie as confidante, Henry asks the secret questions he has about himself and why he can’t stop thinking about Jack. Unfortunately, this is coming off as creepy instead of sweet. A fourteen year old boy hanging out with an eccentric, older stranger gives weird vibes.

My favorite stories are those whose endings are so shocking and unforeseeable that I want to consume them again once I know what’s really happening, like The Fight Club and The Sixth Sense. This story provides that experience for all readers, and also happens to be a trivia mystery game for those who remember the 1970’s and how hard it was to come out. But I have absolutely no idea what the plot of this story is, which makes me not curious at all about what the shocking and unforseeable ending is. A query absolutely cannot tease. An agent needs to know what the ending is, how either of these stories connect, why in the world this would be labeled romantasy, as well as the basic questions that all queries need to address, and this one unfortunately, is not -- what does the main character want, what stands in their way of getting it, what do they have to do to overcome it, and what's at stake if they do not? You're the author, so of course you think that this has elements of "the coolest story ever told," or "a shocking and unforseeable" ending." You've got to convince the agent of that, and this query isn't doing that.

I am an American writer, playwright, ESL teacher, editor, and copywriter with a BA in English. I have spent more than forty years working professionally with children and adolescents in a variety of capacities, and this story about a gay teenager in 1976 is somewhat autobiographical. Good bio that illustrates your connection to the material, but the plot needs to get into the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Since you are looking for more stories with a dark, twisty edge, and a bit of humor, I am thrilled to present LOVING LUCY LAKE, my own take at a YA mystery/gothic romance novel, complete at 72,000 words. The Scream franchise meets the complicated character dynamics in Mindy McGinnis’s The Female of the Species, with an added romance that I’ve longed to see in more horror media. Well, I'm intruged, and not just because you're using me as a comp. This is an interesting mashup!

It is her senior year of high school and Lucy Lake feels like her life is going nowhere. All her friends are college-bound and making plans to leave their dead-end town, her boyfriend is pressuring her for sex, and her grandfather’s once reassuring concern is starting to feel suffocating. Lucy knows deep down that she will never escape Rosedale, nor her grim connection to the town’s only serial killer: The Reaper. Good intro, but we need to know what her connection is. A relative was one of the victims? A relative was the killer? Or suspected of being the killer?

Tragedy strikes when one of Lucy’s classmates is found gruesomely killed at the Halloween carnival, kickstarting a series of murders that leaves Rosedale reeling—and remembering. And it’s not just the journalists drawing comparisons between the Reaper’s victims and the most recent murders; so is the town commissioner who closed the Reaper’s case more than a decade ago. And how does this affect Lucy? Is she suffering socially b/c of it? Was she already an outcast? What changes is this causing in her life?

Then, Dorian Evers steps back into Lucy’s life. After suffering a tragedy of his own over the summer, her once childhood friend has returned more mysterious, lonely, and dangerous than ever. He’s terribly handsome and asks questions that Lucy doesn’t have answers for (like why they stopped talking all those years ago). But why is Dorian approaching her now? Why does he hate her friends so much? And what does all this have anything to do with the copycat killings? As the would-be Reaper cuts a bloody swathe through town, Lucy realizes that the only way to save her loved ones is by digging deeper into a past that refuses, even now, to let her go. Basically, the questions you present within this paragraph are my own questions as well. What does Dorian have to do with anything? How does he tie into the larger story?

I am living in Montréal, Québec. I have a BA in Fine Arts, Film Production, and a minor in Creative Writing from Concordia University. Currently, I am writing my second novel, a YA romantasy interwoven with horror elements.

Overall, I think you have something interesting here, but you're missing some key elements. A query needs to establish - what the MC wants, what stands in their way, what do they need to do to overcome the obstacles, and what's at stake if they don't? Those elements aren't here right now, but if you can write them in, I think your elements are interesting.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Three feet-panic, four feet- quiet, five feet- darkness. I like this opening!

After surviving a near-drowning accident as a young child, sixteen-year-old Jess Wexler (ironically) now views the swimming pool as her refuge—a place to escape life’s chaos. What kind of chaos? What's going on that she's trying to escape, and is her relationship with the water healthy or unhealthy? When her mother, Aliza, a recovering alcoholic, tragically dies in a car accident, Jess is forced to leave her entire life behind, including her best friend, Kate, you don't need to name her b/c she's not mentioned again in the query and move to West Virginia with her grandmother, whom she barely knows. Struggling to adjust to her new life, Jess discovers her mother’s old diary. The more Jess learns, the more she questions what she thought she knew about her mom. Like what? How does the diary and a changing understanding of her mother tie into the plot?

As Jess settles into her new life, she meets Tyler, a senior who gives her the attention she craves. However, when Tyler’s affection turns abusive, Jess has to rely on her former rival, Chloe, and her grandmother, who is facing her own challenges. Why would she have to rely on Chloe? What are her grandmother's challenges?

Being a secondary English teacher for more than a decade has provided me with invaluable insight into the daily lives of teenagers and how they navigate the turbulent waters of high school. I would love an opportunity to work with you to bring Deep Dive to a broader audience. Good bio.

Deep Dive, a 68,000 word manuscript, is told in alternating perspectives between Jess and Aliza and blends prose with poetry, creating a unique reading experience. Themes including the ripple effects of addiction, the weight of grief, and the power of resilience But those themes aren't in the query itself. You're telling the agent that, but not showing them make this book perfect for fans of The Glass Girl by Kathleen Glasgow and The Words We Keep by Erin Stewart. Will Jess sink or swim when her race becomes too much to finish? I wouldn't end with a question.

Right now this is reading more like a summary than a query. The query needs to convey 1) what does the MC want? 2) what stands in the way of them getting it? 3) What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? 4) What's at stake if they fail? The plot feels like it actually starts with her relocation and problematic relationship, and everything else is backstory. There are a lot of disparate elements here -- trauma, drowning, addiction, abuse -- but I don't know how they tie together, or how these characters come together to create a plot.