The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am currently seeking representation for GOREMAGE: AWAKENING. It is a 100,000-word standalone adult dark fantasy book, with series potential. Fantasy gets more wiggle room in terms of word count, but 100k is still a lot for debut, especially when fantasy is currently so clogged A world-weary veteran is forced to accept a dark power within him, to save his country from a tyrannical government harnessing eldritch magic with the help of another outcast with gripes against the world. This is a reall convoluted sentence and it took me a few tries to untangle it. Your hook needs to be much more simple and straightforward. It may appeal to fans of ‘Six of Crows’, ‘One Dark Window’ or the ‘Godkiller’ series.

Elio, a disenchanted man burdened by a dark past as a Goremage, finds himself drawn into a growing conflict in search of money, instead finding rot that runs deep in his beloved country’s veins. There's a lot of assumed knowledge here. What. Goremage is, if the dark past is a result of how he is, or what the job / role was, what the conflict even is, etc. Drawn Echo here with "drawn." by his sense of duty, Duty to what? he forms an uneasy alliance with another outcast: Atlas, a former politician turned conman, unknowingly elbow deep in the corruption caused by his ex-lover and mother of his child. Another super convoluted sentence here. Queries need to be smoother a lot more easily readable than this.

In what should be the country's golden years, Atlamaria is threatened with societal and structural collapse. The magic required to sustain it has become a dying breed, like the magic is a person? and the government, driven by greed and desperation, seeks to return to a totalitarian rule by harnessing the power of a heretic god. Again, super convoluted and I don't really know what's going on here. Why societal and structural collapse? Why is the magic dying? Why would a return to totalitarian rule by the answer and how does the god play into it?

Struggling with his identity and the true origins of his magic, Elio embraces the power that could destroy him to avenge his newfound allies and protect his home. But as the lines between right and wrong blur, he must confront not only the corrupted system - but the shadows within himself. If he can’t trust his own thoughts, how can stop forces so much larger than himself? Their confrontation becomes more than a clash of strength; but a test of wills, faith, and sacrifice. The further Elio goes for the greater good, the more of himself he loses. Again, these are a lot of barely conjoined things that I'm not really understanding. These statements aren't specific, but they're really convoluted and wordy without actually saying much. After reading this I get that there's a conflicted, probably brooding hero, who kind of connects to another guy whose subplot also feels really complex, and they are... trying to save the country from... itself? Right now you're using really broad strokes so I don't actually have any idea of what the plot is, other than what I can infer. And what I do infer is mostly based on tropes so I'm not seeing what makes this stand out in the crowded fantasy genre.