The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

THE POWERS THAT CAME BEFORE US is a multi-POV adult fantasy that explores the power of love for oneself and others, the importance of friendship, facing one's own trauma, and that freedom should not end at the border of one’s own country. This is well written, but it has a lot of echoes with "one's" and also the themes you're highlighting here are quite vague. It's not "bad" per se, but I think you can find a stronger hook to lead with.

Growing up with myths about dragons and powerful magic, Alisae dreamed of adventures beyond the sequestered life her overprotective father, the Earl of Darholm, had dictated for her. And although he promised her autonomy now that she's an adult, when he receives a mysterious missive, his paranoia resurfaces. He forces Alisae to flee and go into hiding with Cal, his most trusted Sentinel. A little confusing here, because you state that she's always dreamed of leaving her situation... and that's exactly what she gets at the end of the paragraph - but it says she's forced which feels contradictory.

Tortured by his traumatic past, Cal maintains the somber facade of a lone wolf. However, Alisae’s sardonic, flamboyant nature and her constant inquisitive chatter and vivacious personality make Cal's sturdy walls crack, and a friendship blossoms. lots and lots of adjectives here. In a paragraph that starts with Cal, we havr 6 references to her nature, not his.

When they arrive at the cottage hideout, Alisae discovers that the reason for her isolated life was that the Antasanari King tricked her father into her betrothal and is finally coming for his bride. She discovers this at the hideout? You say she's super inquisitive, but her life is turned upside down and the way this reads, she didn't ask many questions about it, only to stumble onto answers later. Right now she's not reading with a lot of agency. The blows continue when, despite all the efforts, Alisae is kidnapped and brought before the king, who not only asserts she possesses magical powers he intends to weaponize but also presents Cal as his son and spy. Again, things are happening to her, but she's not really doing anything. It's also confusing to say that the King "presents" Cal, b/c that word is usually a first meeting kind of descriptor - so when I first read it I thought it was saying Cal didn't even know. But Cal despises his cruel, mad father and secretly offers Alisae help. Confused - so Cal was a spy all along... so why didn't he just take her straight to his father? You say she is kidnapped but if Cal was on the other side all along, that doesn't make much sense. Alisae, fed up with being the pawn well I'm glad she finally got there, but your description of her above is contrary to her lack of action so far. in the machinations of others, now has to figure out how to prevent the brewing war over her, uncover the political conspiracy, and discover the ancient magic that supposedly courses through her veins. And most importantly, find her voice not only for herself but also for the ordinary citizens who are perceived as voiceless. Again, these are pretty vague references that aren't doing a lot to distinguish this from any other fantasy query the agent got in their inbox that day. There's a chosen one, a Romeo and Juliet kind of feeling, and a war, and a princess and a spy prince. Definitely find what it is that only your story has that distinguishes it from all the rest. Right now, that's not here.

Completed at 139,000 words, THE POWERS THAT CAME BEFORE US would appeal to the readers of The Bridge Kingdom series by Danielle L. Jensen with its secret identity, complex traumatic past, and slow-burn romance, and those who enjoyed Cassandra Clare’s The Chronicles of Castellane with its diverse cast, courtly drama, unearthing of ancient magic, and both abuse and beauty of religion. Really good comp titles here. Word count is high for a debut. Fantasy gets room for worldbuiling, but not that much. You need to lop off 40k or so. Also, you reference Cal's trauma twice, but we have no idea what it is, or how it fits into the story. You'll need to streamline this and clarify plot points. Every query needs to answer these questions - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of them getting it? How will they overcome these obstacles? And what's at stake if they don't?