Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am seeking your representation for What Happened to Her, an upmarket feminist thriller that will appeal to fans of My Dark Vanessa and Bright Young Women. I feel my book would be a good fit for your agency because many of the items mentioned in your manuscript wishlist are key elements in my book, particularly the emphasis on flawed protagonists and female rage. What Happened to Her also has a strong social justice angle, which I noticed appealed to you. This is great! You identify you genre and comp titles as well as signifying that you are approaching this specific agent for a reason and have done your research.
In a world obsessed with dead girls, a haunted woman uncovers a beloved public figure’s trail of victims and must decide whether she will become another cautionary tale or take matters into her own outraged hands. What world is this? Like our actual world? Do you mean like true crime fixation? I'm not sure what your hook is trying to get across. What would it mean to become a cautionary tale? Is she in danger from the killer?
Two years ago, Nadine Dalton had the world word echo here with "world" at her feet. Weaponizing her grief after her sister’s school shooting death into firebrand activism, Nadine was a rising star and media darling. But just as rapidly as she rose, she fell from favor and is now living a hermit-like life as a reviled has-been. Why did she fall from favor? Feels important. She spends her days thinking about “dead girls” such as Laura Palmer, JonBenet Ramsey, and Marilyn Monroe—a hobby which both consumes and disgusts her. The first is fictional, the second two are real. Just wondering if there's a reason to include a fictional dead girl After beginning an internship with a nationally beloved front runner for governor, who inexplicably is fond of her despite public opinion,The way this reads is that the public believes the governor is not fond of her. Needs rephrased. Nadine feels rejuvenated. This, however, proves to be a deception, and Nadine spirals again. Is this a romantic connection? Or just something she was hoping for career-wise? When she discovers a link between her boss and a dead former intern, she realizes the scope of his abuse is larger and more sinister than she ever imagined. Nadine embarks on a treacherous investigation that uncovers a trail of manipulation, lies, and the ghosts of other forgotten girls. Descending into a dangerous rage as she is thwarted at every turn, Nadine feels her restraint slipping away and will stop at nothing to find justice and give voice to the voiceless. This is the first mention of her rage, so idk how it fits into the plot. Is she going to go after him herself? Vigilante justice?
I have been writing my entire life and cannot remember a time when I wasn’t either actively working on or daydreaming about a new story. I won a writing scholarship in college and have had my work showcased in regional publications. As a young woman who grew up in a world of mounting hate, I wanted to write a story exploring this turmoil, but also the determined resistance borne from it. Good bio, I like it.
Overall I think we need to see a little more plotwise here - what does Nadine want? What stands in her way of getting it? What will she do to overcome the obstacles, and what is at stake if she fails? Those are the biggest things to make sure are in a query, and right now They aren't all totally apparent.