Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I’m seeking representation for RUNELIGHT BURNING, my 106,000 word new adult romantic fantasy novel with series potential, inspired by Norse mythology. It’s the slow-burn romance of Spark of the Everflame meets the intricate worldbuilding and politics of The City of Brass. Given your interest in XXX, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. Not a bad start, although if you think it's possible to get it under 100k, I would definitely try. You'd be surprised how much you can cut out.
Her power could spark a war, but will she let it burn? Let what burn? Her power? The war?
Half-breed Aelia Fairburn has never truly belonged, with too much Runelight in her blood to be accepted in the Mortali realm, yet not enough of it to be welcomed amongst the elitist Álfr. So why should she care about the growing discord between the two? Especially when she’s busy looking after an overly altruistic father and a thriving smuggling business. Why is there a growing discord? What is the problem over?
But when escaping arrest leads to her revealing the true extent of her Runelight – a light power greater than the Four Runes – the Mortali hunt her as a weapon for war. This really doesn't mean much to the reader, b/c there is a lot of assumed knowledge here. We don't have a grasp on the worldbuilding, so this is just kind of a jumble of words that I understand, but don't know what they mean when put together. That’s when Cahír, a condescending mercenary hired by Aelia’s estranged half-brother in the Álfr realm, This is a pretty long descripion. I think you can just say he's a condescending mercenary arrives promising to escort her to safety. Unable to contain her powers, or her growing attraction to the unusually moral mercenary, their journey forces Aelia to confront her fears; what will happen if she lets him, or her Runelight, in.
But as it turns out the Mortali aren’t the only ones after her power, and choosing not to wield it may cost her everything.
Same problem here at the end. I don't really know what the power is, or what's at stake, or who is arguring, or what they're arguing about. There are a lot of words here that aren't necessairly coming together with meaning unless you already have background information (like the author) to fill in the gaps.
I work in communications at a university library and consume books with a passion when not writing or walking my dog. I was a finalist in the London Festival of Writing’s Friday Night Live competition. Good bio! Just work on getting more plot into this query rather than leaning on the worldbuilding.