The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Imagine The Da Vinci Code but with rats. I have no idea what that would look like, but it's not a bad hook. You do have my interest. However, it's not immediately clear "but with rats" means. Are rats the main characters, like The Secret of NIMH? Or are rats part of decoding the mystery? I think most people are going to immediately assume the former, but I did do a double take on it, so possibly worth thinking about.

For young Rascal Blaze, destiny isn’t a gift, it’s a family curse. He prefers books and a comfy armchair to the dangers outside his room.What kind of dangers? Real ones? Or is he an agoraphobe? At least until he finds a locket belonging to his long-vanished father. But it doesn’t give Rascal power, it gives him problems. It’s a tracking beacon that alerts a fanatical cult of Guardians to his existence, forcing him add "to go?" on the run with his best friend, Peri, and a grizzled adventurer with his own hidden ties to Rascal’s past. Again this could all be about a human, the way it's written. If the MC is a rat, I feel like there should be more of an indication of that.

Rascal soon learns he’s the subject of an ancient prophecy, meant to unlock a legendary power known as the Sacred Flame. But this is a legacy of failure, not triumph. The last "Chosen One" to attempt the feat—his own father—wasn’t just defeated, he was consumed by the power he was meant to control. But what does this power do? Who is it being used against? Who is it supposed to help? Are his people in some sort of trouble? The dangers alluded to in the first paragraph? Pursued through an underground world with magical embers that force visions I don't know what that means. and giant moles protecting ancient tunnels, Rascal’s quest leads him to the one person who holds the truth: Grand Matriarch Lyx–leader of the Guardians. What are these visions? What are they about? What significance do they have to the plot? Why are tunnels being guarded and where are they going? What are they trying to do?

She isn't just a tyrant seeking power, she’s the one who sent his father to his doom, takes his best friend hostage, and holds the most devastating secret of all: she’s Rascal’s mother. The past tense that slides into present here is awkward. The mother reveal doesn't really mean much, either, since we didn't know he was motherless, or - if that's not the case - what his mother situation was in the first place

Caught between the legacy of his father and the tyranny of his mother, Rascal must decide whether to ignore the dangerous prophecy and his best friend, or risk becoming the next Blaze to be consumed by the flame. Ignore the danger to his best friend? Unsure what this is saying

THE ADVENTURES OF RASCAL BLAZE is a 36,000 word standalone Middle-Grade fantasy/adventure with series potential. It combines animal protagonists and the spirit of adventure from Jan Eldredge’s Nimbus with the high-stakes prophecy and family revelations of The Manifestor Prophecy by Angie Thomas.

Right now this just feels very generic. There's a chosen one, mommy issues, and risking yourself or someone else. I don't really know what the plot is - you say he's on the run, and that seems very literal. There doesn't seem to be a goal. What are they trying to do? Get somewhere? Find something? Just keep moving and not die? What is this power for? Is it going to protect someone? Who is it going to be used against? None of the plot points that could distinguish this are present in the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to you seeking representation for “DARLING, HOW TO KILL YOUR WORDS”, a new adult thriller with heavy sapphic romance and alternate historical elements. Complete at 80,000 words, it is a standalone with trilogy potential. Picture if CARMEN SANDIEGO started killing historical villains in a cat-and-cat game a la KILLING EVE, with a dash of the true enemies-to-lovers slow burn found in THE MIDNIGHT GIRLS. Good intro, shows you know your genre, and comp titles / market

Everything you know about historical despots who committed suicide is wrong.

You think Adolf Hitler committed suicide with the impending demise of his empire? Nah. That was Alma Marinette. And then she hooked up with Eva Braun afterwards. And... then killed her, too? It raises the question. You think Judas Iscariot Judas doesn't necessarily fit the descriptor of being a despot, which makes me wonder if the word in the hook should be altered committed suicide after betraying the Savior? Nope on a rope. Also Alma Marinette. Granted, she didn’t screw his wife. No one knows who Alma is, or where she came from. She could be Mary Magdalene, she could be Mary of Scots. Personally, I love the voice here. But it's very strong so make sure that it fits the voice of the manuscript as well. An agent who reads this and likes it is going to be looking for the same zing in the manuscript.

Her new mission? Kill Sappho. Yes, the poet, who is now hiding out in 1920s Paris for reasons unknown. There’s, of course, the obvious fact Not sure what this line is referring to, really. The second line doesn't really have anything to do with the first one, that she’s not like… horrible. So... Sappho can also time travel? Or, can everyone in this world?

But it’s a mission. And a soldier gets a mission done. Alma is determined to get her reward. Only other issue? This feels like it's referencing the "she's not horrible" line, but that line is presented as an issue. It's just kind of hanging there. Sappho isn’t stupid. She knows Alma is after her.

What follows is a series of meeting eyes over reading books in cafes, passing notes reading “Die”, sniping from rooftops with unusable guns, and a whole lot of snark. And Alma can’t just help but think that it wasn’t Sappho, but someone else she was intended to kill…

What you have here is good in terms of voice, but there isn't much telling the reader what the plot is. I need to know what the MC wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they're willing to do to overcome the obstacles, and what's at stake if they don't. Right now this isn't doing any of those things. The character is there, and the concept is fun, but the plot is not present at all.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my novel, WRONG TURN, an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Tracy Higley’s, Nightfall in the Garden of Deep Time, Emma Törzs’, Ink Blood Sister Scribe, and Matt Haig’s, The Midnight Library. This book is a standalone novel with series potential. Good start. You've identified your genre and comp titles, and know that pitching a series is hard, so you're showing that you've done your homework.

After Billie Haywood gets fired and drinks Should "away" be in here? That's how I've always heard this phraused used her sorrows at a local bar, she wakes up with the worst hangover of her life and magical powers she can’t control. Already lost, unhappy, and old enough for people to question why she’s unmarried and childless, she moves back in with her parents. She’s desperate for a new plan, starting with controlling the magic randomly spouting from her fingertips in a smoky fog. We need to know what this magic is. Can she turn dogs into humans? Cars into horses? Bills into checks?

When a mysterious note tells her to apply, Billie magically, and illegally, forges a degree to secure a job as a boarding school librarian, This needs to be rephrased, becuase I had no clue what she was applying for and went back up to the first para to see if I'd missed something. the perfect place to learn about her power and begin a life she’s excited to live. Why is it the perfect place to learn about her power? The school has a different idea as its magic So the school is magic? Like a Harry Potter situation, or is it more of a hidden thing? leads her to a fake prophecy that places a target on her back and triggers startling deja vu. This is vague. Why would it place a target on her back? Billie remembers an entirely different life, including her new boss as a cranky past lover, a rare healing power, This doesn't really mean much to the reader b/c we don't know what her current power is and her hellish hangover being caused by her actual death and revival by a mythical medical serpent.

After delusional attempts pretending nothing has changed, Awkward phrasing here Billie meets the evil leader, Evil leader of what? who charms her with helpful advice on mastering healing and regaining her memories. Does she want to regain her memories? Is that the goal? The relationship draws a blurry line between what and what? and despite wanting a quiet librarian life of learning, she’s thrust into an ongoing battle between good and evil. If she can’t figure out how to stay out of it, Billie has two options: get forced into healing like a tool on a shelf, or get killed, again.

Right now this is hard to follow. We don't know what her magic is, so that's not helping. The purpose and function of the school is also unclear, as is the world building - is this a hidden school? Or is magic just normal in this world? I don't know what the battle between good and evil is, who is fighting it, what the stakes are, or what her role is. There's a lot of vague wording that isn't getting the job done. The query needs to establish what the MC wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they need to do to overcome the obstacles, and what's at stake if they don't. Right now this isn't doing that work.