Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am seeking representation for my novel, WRONG TURN, an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Tracy Higley’s, Nightfall in the Garden of Deep Time, Emma Törzs’, Ink Blood Sister Scribe, and Matt Haig’s, The Midnight Library. This book is a standalone novel with series potential. Good start. You've identified your genre and comp titles, and know that pitching a series is hard, so you're showing that you've done your homework.
After Billie Haywood gets fired and drinks Should "away" be in here? That's how I've always heard this phraused used her sorrows at a local bar, she wakes up with the worst hangover of her life and magical powers she can’t control. Already lost, unhappy, and old enough for people to question why she’s unmarried and childless, she moves back in with her parents. She’s desperate for a new plan, starting with controlling the magic randomly spouting from her fingertips in a smoky fog. We need to know what this magic is. Can she turn dogs into humans? Cars into horses? Bills into checks?
When a mysterious note tells her to apply, Billie magically, and illegally, forges a degree to secure a job as a boarding school librarian, This needs to be rephrased, becuase I had no clue what she was applying for and went back up to the first para to see if I'd missed something. the perfect place to learn about her power and begin a life she’s excited to live. Why is it the perfect place to learn about her power? The school has a different idea as its magic So the school is magic? Like a Harry Potter situation, or is it more of a hidden thing? leads her to a fake prophecy that places a target on her back and triggers startling deja vu. This is vague. Why would it place a target on her back? Billie remembers an entirely different life, including her new boss as a cranky past lover, a rare healing power, This doesn't really mean much to the reader b/c we don't know what her current power is and her hellish hangover being caused by her actual death and revival by a mythical medical serpent.
After delusional attempts pretending nothing has changed, Awkward phrasing here Billie meets the evil leader, Evil leader of what? who charms her with helpful advice on mastering healing and regaining her memories. Does she want to regain her memories? Is that the goal? The relationship draws a blurry line between what and what? and despite wanting a quiet librarian life of learning, she’s thrust into an ongoing battle between good and evil. If she can’t figure out how to stay out of it, Billie has two options: get forced into healing like a tool on a shelf, or get killed, again.
Right now this is hard to follow. We don't know what her magic is, so that's not helping. The purpose and function of the school is also unclear, as is the world building - is this a hidden school? Or is magic just normal in this world? I don't know what the battle between good and evil is, who is fighting it, what the stakes are, or what her role is. There's a lot of vague wording that isn't getting the job done. The query needs to establish what the MC wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they need to do to overcome the obstacles, and what's at stake if they don't. Right now this isn't doing that work.