The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

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If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Detective Sergeant Melanie Hunter is suffering through the posh fundraiser of her former best friend’s foundation when a Russian journalist, who seemingly knows too much about her past, approaches her. But we know nothing about her past, so this doesn't carry much of a punch. What does he approach her about? Why would it make her nervous? Before she can confront him, this wording feels odd, since he's presumably right in front of her Detective Chief Inspector Harry Williams unless Williams is going to recur again in the query, I wouldn't bother naming him calls her, asking her to a crime scene — an unidentified young woman found strangled in a park.

A well of contradictions from the get-go, Jane Doe’s case takes a dark turn for Melanie when a tattoo is found etched on the woman’s inner thigh. The sloppy initials scream human trafficking. Melanie sports matching ones on her ribcage. Soon, she finds herself sucked back into an insidious world hiding in plain sight. A world that turned her into a murderer. Oh, nice! Is this what the journalist was onto? A nod in the beginning would be good

When bodies start piling up, Melanie realizes this runs deeper than she’d ever imagined. Target on her back, she embarks on a journey across Romania and Russia to bring down the leader of a human trafficking ring and to prevent other girls from becoming the next Jane Doe. Her obsession for the truth is deadly. One wrong move will be the end of her. Still, she owes it to all those lost girls and to herself to try. This is a bit vague. There's a big bad guy, and she's got to bring him / it down, but that's the plot of pretty much all thrillers. What are the stakes? What's at risk, other than the obvious? Is she having psychological problems b/c of her own past? How does the fact that she murdered someone play into the plot? Why Russia? Is that where she's from? What's the connection?

THE LOST GIRLS is an adult thriller, which stands complete at 96,000 words, with series potential.

Born and raised in Romania, I currently live in a small town called Drobeta-Turnu Severin and I am simultaneously working towards obtaining an MBA and my second Bachelor’s Degree in Law. With my first novel, I wanted to showcase a vivid picture of life in poorer Eastern European countries and how they have come to be plagued by human trafficking.

Great bio. Really good to establish yourself as able to write this setting - but you need to clarify what the connection is to the plot within the query. Overall, this is well written and interesting, but we need those little details that are going to make this standout from every other thriller on the shelf.

Heather Mateus Sappenfield on Tackling Tough Topics in Middle Grade Novels

On an ordinary Monday, Rill Kruse left for third grade with a dad, but when she came home, he'd been stolen. By a river. One year and thirteen days later—on the first morning of summer vacation—Rill still insists he's trudging home. Her mom has become a practical woman. Her older brother, Eddy, now calls her baby and dork. Gus, second-in-command at Kruse Whitewater Adventures, Rill's family's rafting company, has gone from being her dad's “risk bro” to her mom's guardian angel. Joyce, company secretary, arm-wrestler, and mechanic, still calls Rill a fingerling, but, after learning what a cheater water is, Rill wishes she'd stop. When Rill's cat, Clifford, leads her to the family tree fort on the mountainside behind home, she discovers a stowaway, Perla. To help Perla, Rill embarks on an adventure that tests her understanding of the world, of loss, and of what it means to be a friend. In the end, what Rill discovers will nudge her—and all those she loves—toward healing.

What’s the inspiration behind this story?

In the mid-nineties, I taught high school language arts. Students who were new to America would turn up in my classes. Some of them were undocumented, yet I’d become a teacher to help anyone with a desire to learn. These students were a marvel to me because, despite knowing little, if any, English, and despite knowing few of the basics of daily life within the school, they managed to get by. Often admirably. Often while also working one or even two jobs after school.

Some mornings I’d walk through the school’s front doors to discover a group of them gathered in the lobby, crying and comforting each other because a family member, or maybe a few, had been rounded up for deportation the day or night before. I tried to imagine how that must feel: being left behind in a foreign country with no documentation and no family. Later, these students would be in my class, trying to concentrate, learn, and continue on. Their courage amazed me. When I started writing novels, I knew this was a story I would someday explore.

What does compassion mean to you?

This novel is a map of Rill’s journey to understanding compassion—how it feels, how to express it, how giving it to someone else can be a gateway to one’s own healing. Her teacher, Mr. Rainey, defines compassion as “a feeling of worry or pity for the suffering or misfortune of someone else.” The word pity, in its pure form, means sympathetic sorrow for one who is suffering, distressed, or unhappy. It can, however, carry the extra meaning of looking down on the thing you feel sorry for, and part of Rill’s journey is growing from seeing Perla as a “thing” to someone who is her equal and, ultimately, her friend. For me, that’s true compassion. I believe moments when we meet people who differ from us—in nationality, in ethnicity, in spiritual belief, in social strata—define us, and they have the potential to be among the most beautiful experiences available to us as human beings.

Who is this story for? Why explore immigration through a middle grade lens, rather than YA or adult? 

When I state that this novel is “A read for all ages. A read for our times,” I’m being honest. It’s written through an almost-eleven-year-old’s eyes because Perla’s predicament is happening to kids—here in the Vail Valley, throughout Colorado, across our nation, and around the globe. I hope this novel illustrates the costs of apathy or indifference and, through Rill stumbling along and making mistakes, guides young readers toward compassion. 

There’s an interesting dynamic that occurs when someone older reads a middle grade novel. Perhaps because these books are written and marketed for “children,” more mature readers tend to open the first page less guarded, and thus they’re unconsciously more susceptible to its messages. Middle grade novels are rarely simple, though. Young readers have agile minds, hungry to define their world, so these books are filled with depth and theme, irony and wit. Crafted to be easier to decode, there’s less filtering, so all this good stuff travels straight to the heart. I firmly believe every adult should read at least one middle grade book a year. It’s good for the soul.

From a craft perspective, how do you approach writing about difficult topics for younger ages? 

Crafting middle grade stories is much harder for me than writing adult, or even YA, books. I relish a succulently worded description or turn of phrase, but for kids, I must do this so deftly that it’s seamless, with little or no overt artifice. There’s no nostalgia or looking back; I must be fully with the protagonist, viewing the world in that moment through their eyes. The rule “show don’t tell” is vitally important, especially when writing about difficult topics. So my characters move, via action and thought, toward figuring things out. Making mistakes is important. And they often don’t understand what motivates them, so the reader treks with them toward discovery.

HEATHER MATEUS SAPPENFIELD loves adventures, especially in the Rocky Mountain landscape that’s been her lifelong home. As part of women’s teams, she’s won 24-hour mountain bike races and road bicycling’s Race Across America—San Diego, California to Atlantic City, New Jersey. She’s also competed in the Mountain Bike World Championships; ski instructed for Vail Resorts, and loves backcountry ski touring. Her toughest adventures, though, arise in the writing of stories. She is the author of two contemporary YA novels, The View from Who I Was and Life at the Speed of Us, a Colorado Book Awards Finalist. Her story collection, Lyrics For Rock Stars, released as winner of the V Press LC Compilation Book Prize, was nominated for the MPIBA’s Reading the West Awards, was a silver medalist for the IBPA’s Ben Franklin Awards, and was featured on Colorado Public Radio. Her most recent book, The River Between Hearts, runner-up for the Kraken Prize, is a middle grade novel about friendship and healing. For more information, visit her website.

Lease On Love Author Falon Ballard On Enduring the Wait of Submission

If there's one thing that many aspiring writers have few clues about, it's the submission process. There are good reasons for that; authors aren't exactly encouraged to talk in detail about our own submission experiences, and - just like agent hunting - everyone's story is different. I managed to cobble together a few non-specific questions that some debut authors have agreed to answer (bless them). And so I bring you the submission interview series - Submission Hell - It's True. Yes, it's the SHIT.

Today’s guest for the SHIT is Falon Ballard, author of Lease on Love, a warmly funny and delightfully sharp debut rom-com about a down-on-her-luck young woman who turns an innocent mix-up between a dating app and a roommate app into a new chance at love.

How much did you know about the submission process before you were out on subs yourself?

Honestly, I didn’t know much! Because I was a Pitch Wars mentee, my mentors gave me a brief rundown, but the overall impression I had about going on sub before going on sub was that it’s really, really stressful going on sub (and it was!). 

Did anything about the process surprise you?

The first time I went on submission, I was surprised by how long it took before we started getting responses. Granted, the first time I went on submission was the first week of March in 2020 so the world was definitely not functioning as “normal”. The second time I went on submission, I was surprised by how fast it went. Overall, my two experiences really show that you gotta expect the unexpected. 

Did you research the editors you knew had your ms? Do you recommend doing that? 

The first time on sub I researched most of them. Some I knew from Twitter, some I knew from reading their authors’ books, some I stalked a fair amount. I don’t think it hurt to research them, but I will say that I did not research editors my second time around. So maybe my subconscious does not recommend editor research!

What was the average amount of time it took to hear back from editors?

It could not be more varied! Some took more than six months, some never responded at all. And then with my second submission, we got our first response in I think three days.

What do you think is the best way for an author out on submission to deal with the anxiety?

I know this is the cliché advice, but write the wait! While my first book was dying its slow death on sub during the beginning months of the pandemic, I was writing what will become my first published book. In a lot of ways, knowing I had something else in the works that I really loved made those rejections for submission one much easier to handle.

If you had any rejections, how did you deal with that emotionally? How did this kind of rejection compare to query rejections?

I actually think submission rejections were easier to handle than query rejections. Most of the ones I received came with really positive feedback. A lot of editors had nice to things to say about my writing, they just didn’t love the premise of the book. A few asked to see my next work. So there was a lot of good tidbits I was able to focus on in those rejections. That didn’t make it easy, obviously, but I tried to find little ways to treat myself on rejection days. Even if it was something simple like buying a new book, “rewarding” myself for those rejections made it easier. Also, having an agent who really believes in me and my work was priceless during the submission rejection process because she would pump me up before sending them to me! 

If you got feedback on a rejection, how did you process it? How do you compare processing an editor’s feedback as compared to a beta reader’s?

Most of the feedback I received in my rejections was not something I could easily implement. It was a lot of “I love you voice and your style, I just don’t like this premise/character/set up”. So unless I was going to rewrite the whole book and change the concept, there wasn’t much I could do. But it did give me a boost of confidence knowing that editors were responding to my voice and style and I definitely used that boost to help me write my next book. I think with beta readers, the feedback is a lot more specific and easier to apply to your manuscript. 

When you got your YES! how did that feel? How did you find out – email, telephone, smoke signal?

Well, as with all good news in my life, my first reaction was to burst into tears! I was in the car with my son, we had just gone through the Starbucks drive thru and I had pulled into a parking spot to disinfect our cups and hand sanitize (#PandemicLife). I saw that my agent emailed and I swiped it open without a second thought—we’d just sent submissions out so I wasn’t expecting any news. I had to read her email like three times before it sunk in and then I immediately started crying and totally freaked my kid out because he thought something was wrong. That Starbucks is my good luck charm—I was sitting in the drive thru of the same Starbucks a year earlier when I got my first agent offer email!

Did you have to wait a period of time before sharing your big news, because of details being ironed out? Was that difficult?

I had a relatively short wait, just a couple of weeks I think, and it still felt interminable! I’ve had friends who have had to wait months to announce and I don’t know how they did it! It was hard to wait because I was so excited and already working on edits, but I was able to do a lot of screeching and flailing with my husband and best friends so that made it easier!