The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

For the past fifty years, The Hunt has terrorized the lands with no one able to stop it from turning humans and Fae to stone. Good hook, but IDK if The Hunt is a person, or an event? Yet twenty year old Eliyen only cares for the approval and love of her parents. In her desperation to receive their attention, she sets her sights on ending The Hunt’s brutality the only way she knows how; learning a dead, ancient language that hopefully holds answers. Why would it? If she can bring glory to her family’s name by ending The Hunt, maybe then she will finally earn her parents’ affections. I think you can probably cut this last line, it's just repeating concepts you've already presented pretty well in the lines previous.

Which is why when the Fae King and his Royal Guard stumble upon her doorstep and discover she is able to read a language they’re magically forbidden to know, that's a bit plot convenient. You already stated it's a dead language, so we can assume no one else knows it and she's special for that reason she has little choice but to leave the safety of her home. This makes it sound like she doesn't want to go,b /c she has "little choice," but isn't this exactly the chance she's been looking for? For they believe a tome only she can read holds the answer to ending The Hunt’s savagery… and the glory she so desperately seeks.

The three of them set off to search for the tome in the Fae Lands where their grit, determination, and unity are tested. Tensions arise between the Fae King and Royal Guard, pixies threaten to shred Eliyen to bits, and the tome remains as elusive as ever. Will their group survive long enough for Eliyen to translate the book or will the pressure to end The Hunt’s vicious existence turn them all to stone?

The Hunt, a 95,000 word slow–burn romantasy, where's the romance? I'm not seeing anything like that mentioned above. will appeal to the fans of Divine Rivals and One Dark Window. The Hunt touches upon topics such as the consequences of people pleasing tendencies, the growth of self–worth, and how one’s inner truth may not always appear to be what it seems. I'd strike this entire last line as it makes me want to ask more questions than it does provide answers.

I am currently a stay at home parent of a very active toddler girl. Our days are spent fending off monsters, rescuing Princes, and traversing the metal woodlands (also known as playgrounds to us plebs). Having her has renewed my dream of becoming a published author and I hope one day I’ll be able to show her what it looks like to never give up on your dream no matter how long it takes to achieve. Thank you for your time and consideration. This is sweet, and you can choose to leave it if you want, but I don't think it really adds anything to the query. Personal anecdotes are all well and good - but we all have them, and they don't have anything to do with the quality of your query, or writing. I'd cut everything after the metal woodlands.

Overall this is pretty good, but I feel like I need to know more about The Hunt, since that is the main enemy. Person, place, or thing? Also, it seems like the whole goal is to find a book that will explain how to end the Hunt, but what happens then? How do they end the hunt? The penultimate moment surely isn't just finding the book, but then taking action. Also, the romance really needs to get into the query if you're pushing this as a romantasy. Who is it between? What's the conflict? Why can't they be together? Is this enemies to friends? Star-crossed lovers? What's the plot there?

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Can three headstrong brothers combine forces to save their city from a dusty disaster? Only if they don’t kill each other first! A rhetorical question isn't a great hook. I like the "dusty disaster" phrasing, but find a way to utilize the feel here without making it a question.

Ben McGuire’s seventh-grade priorities (ping pong and daydreaming, to name a few) are put on hold when deadly dust storms begin ravaging his hometown. Love the voice here, but because the rest of this reads very SF and off-planet, I think we need to know the where and when of home. When relief doesn’t come on the ground, quirky research company Indus Industries recruits Ben and his two brothers Why them? If ping pong and day dreaming are his big skills, why is he being chosen to save the world? into their Youth Space Fleet to solve the crisis from up above. Too easy! Except it’s not.

Near-asteroid collisions, moon sickness, and some serious sibling rivalry doom the mission at every turn. Despite the setbacks, the McGuires discover the key to purifying the Earth’s air lies within the moon’s lunar ice! But just as they’re celebrating, Ben learns that a traitorous insider is stealing millions from the company, and a profit-hungry competitor hacks the computer network to steal their work and destroy the base. And them? Are they in any personal danger? It will take the brothers’ craftiness, bravery, and determination to bring their discovery back home—or the whole Midwest could be destroyed. This feels like it shifts from an adventure to an economic tech thriller very quickly, which takes away some of the MG feel. Some re-wording suggested above. Also, what kind of threat is the hacker? It feels like a very non-present villain for them to contend with. If this person is sabotaging their ship in some way, or putting them in physical danger through their machinations, that needs to be included. Otherwise, it feels like a very remote antagonist.

MCGUIRES TO THE MOON is an upmarket middle grade novel with series potential. Fans of Gordon Korman’s UNPLUGGED will really enjoy this book. The manuscript is complete at 41,000 words.

I am a debut author with a B.F.A. from Texas Christian University and am a member of SCBWI. I have also been a technical writer for nearly 20 years. I would be thrilled if you would consider MCGUIRES TO THE MOON for representation. I look forward to hearing if you would like to read my entire manuscript.

Overall, this is quite good. You need to steer your hook away from question format, and interject a little more personality into the villain. I also question whether the other brothers need more room in the query. Your hook mentions all three, but it seems like Ben is the focal point. If that's the case, make him the focus of the hook. Otherwise you're starting with introducing three main characters, but never naming two of them.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I seek representation for my 96,000-word literary fiction manuscript, A Children’s Playground. I always tell people not to open with your word count, title, or the fact that you're seeking rep - they know that, you're querying them. Everyone else querying also has a word count and a title. Start with what only your have - your hook.

In the wake of the Global War on Terror, Unfortunately, this could span a pretty large amount of time, so you might want to be a little more specific. twenty-four-year-old Asad Khan, an Afghan tribal heir, and twenty-three-year-old Anna, a once-promising American music prodigy, find their lives intertwined, weaving a tale of resilience, love, and sacrifice as they search for a common future across two nations in conflict. This is a great intro! Definitely lead with this. After reviewing the entire query, however, this opening makes it sound as if Anna will be sharing half of the narrative, but it doesn't really look that way. She's a factor in Asad's story, by the way the rest of this query reads.

Straddling the responsibilities of succeeding his aging father, a war hero from the Soviet-Afghan war, as the new tribal chief and his dreams of becoming a successful Silicon Valley entrepreneur, an agonizing revelation shakes Asad to the core: an American drone strike in his remote village along the Afghan border has brutally injured his childhood playmate, Samina, ultimately claiming her life and that of her family. This paragraph is basically one sentence, so you need to break it down. I highlighted spaces above where it's getty wordy and some things can go. Also, if Samina ultimately dies, I'd just say that she's killed, along with her family.

This jarring news ignites inner turmoil as Asad strives to reconcile his affection for Anna and his newfound home in the USA with his duty to address the ravages of war against his tribal brethren. In this soul-searching tussle, Asad loses Anna not once but twice. Anna needs more room here. She's got a brief intro in the opening para, but she's not being built here at all other than a shadow of a real person. How serious is "affection?" What is the nature of their relationship? What is he losing if he loses her? Also, the vague nature of loses Anna not once but twice doesn't work in a query. Lost her how? Gained her back how? Lost her again how? How is any of it tied to his inner turmoil?

Will Asad choose love and a life in the USA with Anna, or honor family expectations, returning home to avenge Samina’s death and lead his tribe against the New World Order, risking everything to save his homeland from destruction? Don't end with a rhetorical question, that's not a good way to round things off. Instead phrase this as him facing a choice, and illustrating what he loses or gains either way.

A Children’s Playground echoes the timeless themes of social upheaval caused by war like Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner with the identity struggles of Mohsin Hamid’s Reluctant Fundamentalist in the clash between East and West.

I was born in Karachi, Pakistan. Currently, I live in San Jose, California. I served as a military pilot and lived in seven countries. I have endeavored to capture this interplay of human diversity and conflict to provide the readers with both sides of the story in my debut novel, answering the age-old question: Why do kind-hearted, well-meaning people worldwide find themselves entangled in wars so frequently? If you don't mind me saying so, as a non-military person that lives in the US, I don't find myself entangled in wars frequently. I think this is distinct to areas of the world and certainly sets up a great question in regards to Anna - could she ever understand that mode of living?

Overall your query is well-written, but we need a little more plot detail in here. The overall question - what will a man torn between two cultures choose? - is very clear, but the more granular aspects of the plot aren't present. A divided life is a known narrative - what makes yours distinct and separate from the others? Get it into the query.