Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am currently seeking representation for FURY THE LAST RAIDER, which is the first installment of a five-part series. Firstly, I honestly don't think it's useful to state that you are seeking representation - you queried them. They know that. Secondly, you don't want to hear this but you're not going to get this off the ground with a traditional publisher as a five part series. Fantasy crested, and the trend is on it's way out (if you ask me). A trad publisher isn't going to want to get behind a five book series in a genre that is declining, or take a 5-book risk on a debut author, as well. You need to find a way to make this capable of standing on it's own, with sequeal potential.
Alvi Daine does not want revenge. He needs it. This is a good hook!
Words like ‘honor’ and ‘justice’ no longer hold weight for Alvi after the genocide of his clan. Now he is the last survivor of a once thriving society wiped out by the greed of an ever-expanding imperialist enterprise. But revenge comes at a cost. The opportunity to kill the man responsible for the slaughter of Alvi’s kin is weighed against the risk of a full-on ethnic cleansing. Is there a limit to how far Alvi will go for his revenge? So this is using a wide brush and it could apply to a lot of books, which means it's not distinguishing yours as anything new or special. Revenge, a "last one of his kind" vibe, followed by a huge leap into ethnic-cleansing. You're also ending with a rhetorical question, which is never a good idea. I don't see the plot thread here, other than Bad things Happen > Now he might do bad things > Is that bad?
Dune meets Pirates of the Caribbean in FURY THE LAST RAIDER; an emotional, high-stakes, adult fantasy set in ‘the Fury’ - a desolate wasteland filled with desert pirates and fire-breathing monsters. But what does that have to do with anything? But... is it funny? Pirates of the Caribbean is definitley funny. If this isn't humourous (and I'm not seeing that here) I woudn't use that comp. Complete at 78k words and told from multiple perspectives, If it's told from multiple POVs there needs to be more than one character present in the query this gritty, suspenseful atmosphere will appeal to readers of the The Shadow Of The Gods series and The Aeronaut’s Windlass.
I graduated with a Bachelor’s of Science in psychology from Utah Valley University. This will be my debut novel. Thank you for taking the time to read my work, I will be happy to send you a copy of the full manuscript upon request. Don't say it's your debut, they're assuming that. If you can find a way to tie your degree in psychology (and I bet you can) to the book you're querying, that would be beneficial.