Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am seeking representation for “The Sound of Ice Melting,” Put your title in all caps or italics, not quotes a modern 95,617 Just say 95k word gay YA psychological drama comparable to Poor Deer, by Claire Oshetsky, The Secret of Us, by Lucinda Berry, and Words on Bathroom Walls, by Julia Walton.
Joe was ten when he first tried to kill himself, a month after his mother’s murder. Four years later, he tried again. His psychiatrist believes Joe saw his father murder his mother, but Joe says it feels like there’s a demon in his head that makes him want to destroy himself.
When Joe’s sixteen, he meets Troy and falls in love, and a year later, they’re still together and happier than ever. Right now this is just reading like a walkthrough of someone's life, more like a synopsis than a query. They’ve just graduated and have been accepted at the same college. Life is perfect! So, everyone is surprised when Joe tries to kill himself again. Seeing the pain it causes those he loves the most, Joe vows to never try it again. As a reader we don't have a great feeling for the "why" here, and not just for this most recent attempt. In order to connect more with the character the reader needs to understand what it's actually like inside Joe's head. Right now these are factual statements with very little emotion attached.
Two months later, he’s diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and given two months to live. What doctors call “a tumor” and Joe calls “a demon,” Troy calls “a memory,” specifically of what really happened on the night Joe’s mother was murdered. In order to bring the repressed memory to light, Troy, desperate to save Joe, decides to treat the tumor as Joe sees it and exorcise the demon. What they discover is a truth much darker than they ever imagined. This is kind of a tease in that you're not telling the reader / agent what is actually going on. This is reading more like what the back matter of a novel would have to entice a reader. For a query letter, you need to let the agent know what makes this book different, what makes it stand out, what is unique here. If the "truth is much darker than they ever imagined," say what that is so that the agent knows whether this is worth their time as a read or not.
I’m an American writer, playwright, ESL teacher, editor, and copywriter with a BA in English. I’ve spent more than forty years working professionally with children and adolescents, twelve as a counselor and supervisor in psychiatric facilities treating severely emotionally disturbed children and adolescents, many of whom were suicidal or had self-injurious behaviors. Great bio!