Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Your enthusiasm for smart, commercially appealing fiction with strong protagonists and unexpected twists makes me think my manuscript, Capo Cruise Lines might interest you. Not a bad start, but you need to indicate a genre for your story here. Smart, commerically appealing fiction with strong protags and twists is a broad swath. Where would this be shelved in a bookstore?
Josh, a repressed engineer, reluctantly joins a singles cruise at his father’s urging to loosen up and live a little. But when he’s seated with four captivating women—each with ties to organized crime—his vacation spirals into a dangerous flirtation with seduction, secrets, and betrayal. As shipboard antics and exotic ports of call complicate the group’s dynamics, Josh must navigate a web of intrigue to escape with his life and livelihood and a newfound sense of self. This isn't really doing the work of a query, it's way too broad. What are the secrets? The seduction? The betrayal? What are these antics and how are the group dynamics complicated? What is this web of intrigue? Right now this could be anything from an at-sea Amish puppy mill to sex trafficking. There's no indication here of what the book is actually about. A query needs to answer these questions -- 1) What does the MC want? 2) What stands in their way of getting it? 3) What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? 4) What's at stake if they don't? Right now this answers the first one - the MC just wants to chill out and maybe hook up. What stands in their way is vague at best, and the last two questions are unanswered.
Complete at 70,000 words, Capo Cruise Lines is my debut novel.Don't bother mentioning this. I’m a professional freelance writer specializing in cybersecurity courseware for high school students, where I craft engaging, accessible content on complex topics. This manuscript draws from my own travel misadventures and is written in the spirit of Elmore Leonard, Carl Hiaasen, and Janet Evanovich. I studied under Pulitzer Prize winner, Frank McCourt, who described my work as “witty, intelligent, and humorous”—qualities I’ve strived to carry into this manuscript.
Right now your bio is longer than the part where you actually talk about the book. Get the word count and comp authors into the first paragraph to make your genre more clear. Studying under Frank McCourt is awesome, but the query isn't conveying wit or humor. If it's a voicey work (and the authors you use as comps are very voicey) then the query needs to have a voice that conveys the voice of the manuscript itself.